This is just a quick interruption to share this ideology about the “being in a committed relationship where the word “love” is passed around and then posting when that same person makes you angry,” syndrome.
Someone very close to me did just this. Posted her wedding pictures last year, professed to love this woman with her soul -the woman doing the same – and yesterday, she posted a few posts about how although she “knows hate is a strong word, she’s beginning to hate this woman” and then in another post listing a lengthy paragraph of how this woman had no right to involve her facebook friends and so because she did, she would, in turn post her business on her wall.
She may read this (and to protect her identity, from my readers) and unfriend me, but hopefully not before reading this short post.
Regardless of views, lifestyles, or opinions, in any relationship where the word “love” is exchanged between each person, there has to be an understanding of what respect means.
We are all human, and we all, not only make mistakes, but naturally, are selfish – which means others will be hurt by our actions, lack of action, and decisions, and/or our indifference, many, many times within our lives (you know, the exact reason Jesus died – oops compelled to throw that in there, since I do believe Jesus died for us when we were at our worst so that we may have a chance to see and be with him in eternity). We have to work to be the qualities we want from others (kind, patient, gentle, respectful, not envious, etc).
Anyway, back to my… example. Keeping in mind that we will hurt one another within a committed relationship, it is NEVER helpful to post your drama on Facebook. Ever.
Yes, I am very emphatic about that.
My mantra is about establishing mutual trust and respect to have a long-lasting loving relationship. Posting about the dynamics of your relationship so that your ‘friends’ have the opportunity to ‘side’ with you, or fuel the angst, only adds more separation between the very one you claimed to love. (Luckily, enough of her fb friends were urging her to delete the post, but how often do you hear that?)
This really does seem like common sense, but I’m guessing in the heat of the moment, that’s the only ‘out’ the uncontrolled posting person has.
A few posts back I posted about the disagreement my husband and I had and how angry we were. My doing so was intentional – I’m a relationship coach and wanted to share – in the heat of the moment, there will be points when we all have a decision at the fork in the road when we are angry at our significant other, and the choices we make will either build up or slowly chip away at the foundation the couple vowed to have. I hoped that it helped my readers. Notice that I never posted what the problem was (because I don’t remember!)
There’s so much more I can say on this, but it may drone on for those who will see this as obvious. PLEASE, for the love of everything good and wonderful, do NOT post your anger or feelings on facebook if you profess to love the other person.
Here is a free idea for what you can do instead: Create an email account, when you’re upset, post your anger there. if you need the reassurance or comments, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or go to the Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking (www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking) and request to be put in the secret call group – created specifically for those who need encouragement when they want to vent online about relationship woes. (Hey, who knows what the Super Bowl parties will bring? Being prepared to maintain your own respect, if not the respect of the one you claim to love, will go further when you’re prepared and not deflated….ok, sorry for that one.)
Based on the above research no one wants to know your business – and it makes you look like an immature, unstable, angry maniac who is incapable of keeping and maintaining a relationship past the superficial niceties. (p.s. I would never tell my clients that directly – I’ll just save it for here.)
S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking
The Holidays; usually a time of peace and love and good-will towards man, but can often be the most loneliest time of the year for some. However!
(there’s always that Ray of Hope that I intend to always shine on my readers, as my own selfish pleasure!)
With the proper planning, YOU do not have to be caught off-guard feeling that hole in your chest. The first part is properly managing your SEROTONIN levels.
1.) Very important, how are your vitamin D levels? It’s no secret that in the winter, the sun’s hiding has made many people suffer from seasonal depression. Many times, the difference between smiling and not is just a boost to your levels. Your physician can check them out. If you’re like me, who doesn’t really have a physician, per se, I simply only had to monitor my dietary intake to know that I needed an increase in Vitamin D.
2.) As your workload/hours increase, plan on a way to have a definitive down time. Many, many people find that their workload is in crunch time as more consumers are spending in various industries. It is just as important to have a set and scheduled time to take a deep breath and relax. Think of it this way, you are only the best YOU you can be when your cortisol levels are lowered (the adrenaline that helps you kick in it into high gear). Things that I do (being a work from home mother of an active toddler, 2 active businesses, business meetings, serving clients, and then making sure to be the wife I’m need to be); I have a 20 minute Epsom soak bath for myself once per week, I workout in my living room, and make sure to have a massage session at least once per month.
3.) Sleep Patterns – It’s all about the Serotonin- Again, for many people during the winter season and holidays, because there is a slight dip in serotonin, many people find that they are more prone to either sleep more (due to depression from the low serotonin levels), chronic fatigue syndrome or suffer the other extreme – insomnia. During this time, not only does the correct dietary intake positively affect the levels, but positive mantra-type chants as affirmations prove to be more than just words, but actually changing your thought patterns.
4.) Extend kindness – Here’s something worthy of comment: If you deal with the public in your business in any way, planning on quenching the fires of angry customers is the definition of true kindness. Anyone can be nice to someone who is nice to him/her. And you already know customers will be testy. Planning on “killing them with kindness” will put you at ease and prep you when their heads and fingers wag in your face.
5.) Plan and set appointments for yourself for 15 minutes of laughter DAILY. Although I don’t think explanation is needed here, just see above at the first 4 reasons why (hint: it starts with a “sero” and ends with “tonin.”)
6.) Time with Friends – Time with NEW friends here, or those who you don’t get the opportunity to hang with, but mean to. And do different things! Ice skating, skiing, Specialty International food dining, or just hot cocoa and a brisk walk can do wonders for yourself and the other person
7.) Make gifts – don’t buy a thing! – Whoa, what? Yep, I said it. Save your pocketbook and the temptation to overspend and perhaps make candles, soaps, knit, scarves, etc. for gifts and start passing them out. Just a hint; Many, million-dollar businesses have started with simply crafts. Just saying..
8.) Plan on having change for the Salvation Army Bell Ringers- Even seeing these volunteers, we tend to be callous and desensitized to the fact that they are people and they are choosing to stand in the cold for a cause. Having change in your pocket to give when you go out will surprisingly make you feel good to know you are making a difference.
9.) When you are out in public, SMILE! Make eye contact and Smile! If misery loves company, why on earth would anyone want to share company with a miserable person? Aren’t you attracted to people who smile (it doesn’t mean that you have to marry the person or ask the person to birth your children), but for someone to actually smile… That’s usually the first way a fulfilling love can happen.
Now, here’s my heart for you and something I want you to truly take to heart : You ARE Worthy. You are Precious. You are Valuable. Your life DOES matter. In the good times and when you go through changes or struggles, you STILL matter. Your Overcoming is Inspiring. You have already been through so much, and yet you keep going. THAT’s Inspiring.
And though you may not feel worthy, priceless, or inspirational, that doesn’t mean it is true. With or without your feeling these things, there is a Lord who professes this fact. A Lord of order and Peace and not one to bash, belittle, or demean, but to encourage, strengthen, and show favor upon. I have been witness to many things; horrible marriages, abusive relationships and the such, even when they mistaken do this in the name of the lord. I used a small “l” because that’s not the Lord. I have seen the Power of a strong, lasting, loving marriage whose bond, or glue rather, is the Lord the couple made the vows before. I have seen, and now personally experiencing, how each person in the marriage resolve conflict.
Many times, this enlightened person started with alone times during the Holidays, and fervent prayer not for their Dream Guy/Girl be sent to them randomly, but instead praying over the very person they will be with; praying over his/her day, etc. This isn’t fantasy. This is actively preparing yourself to not only be in love and receive it, but to give it.
So on that note,
number 10.) Pray for your unseen mate and the day that he/she may be having, and that wherever in the world you are, you both are able to recognize each other when you do meet.
Love, Peace, and Smiles to You,
Shakira ‘Arikah Nash’ Baly-Jensen, Founder Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking
I think it’s wise to start with the question first, “What is it that you truly want for yourself?”
Listening to the Think and Grow Rich call this morning, it was read that one of the things written in Dr. Napolean Hill’s was only those who know want they want out of life get it. A caller even mentioned that in an interaction between two people the one with the stronger will, will win out.
What does this have to do with the casual sexual relations among dates and dating? Many people say that they want true love and someone to love them for them, yet in the same breath either discover too late that they had given the gift and privilege of themselves to undeserving others, or, they speak of satisfying their own “urges.” Really it all boils down, what is it that you truly want?
“Oh, that’s easy for you to say, and that may work for you, but if I don’t, they think something is wrong with me.”
“Girl, I am just a sexual being – you get me?”
“Hey, a guy / girl ‘s got needs.”
“Well, yeah I love God. I still want the nookie.”
“I’ve got a high sex drive.”
“Hey, anything that will get a girl to have sex with me, I’m willing to say or legally do.”
I was thinking of the dear widows and widowers I know, young and older, and realized they never spoke of satisfying these urges. Instead they would speak with respect, of their departed. Sure they mention of wanting to be in a relationship, however, they would speak in a way to love the person.
Again, I noticed that it all boiled down to respect of themselves and others.
It’s funny how we (or the audience does) boo and laugh at the people on the talk shows or court shows or in the tabloids and shake our heads in disgust when they advertise how their sexual lives and infidelity are shameful. But is it shameful because it’s out in the public or because they are doing it?
Perhaps, in the search of finding our “true love,” we can actually be the type of person with the type of values and morals we want to attract, or at least act as though we are being watched? One thing I’ve learned is that whatever is done in the dark, will eventually have light shed on it. Sooner or later in some shape or form, it will be revealed including our mistrust of another.
Being celibate just for the sake of being celibate, does not work. I mentioned to a friend that for 8 years, I lived a celibate life because I thought it was the proper thing to do since I became a Christian. For a while, I was fine, but I think when it started to get to the point of my boasting of my own efforts of remaining celibate that I started to become weak. I started looking at married men and lusting after them – not so much for the sex, but because I wanted to have that kind of man to father my future children. I remember confiding in two co-workers and friends of my growing libido. That was when they suggested that perhaps I should consider seeking help, especially since it was dominating my thoughts and mind. (We’ll talk about this story in a future blog.)
“Well, that’s you and that’s them. I’m sexually healthy.”
Just a side note, are you in the relationship that you want? That you dreamed of?
If you pray to God to send you someone to love and one who loves you, please act like it. Does God give second best? Does He match others when they are not at their best? And by “best,” I do not mean perfection, I mean your priorities are right, and you are living your life as though you are preparing your home (which is your heart) for a peaceful life – confronting or dealing with past hurts and baggage and any unforgiveness.
If you pray to God, are you praying for God to send someone to you or are you praying over your future spouse. Before meeting Bob, I was in a toxic relationship that I knew in my heart was not for me. Up until then, Bob was trying to get a membership to the gym I worked at (where we met), but there was always something preventing him from doing so including flat tire on the day he was coming, forgetting about coming over instead of usingi the one he was currently using, and him being presented with another deal from that gym he was using. He said that the one I worked at had a particular machine that he liked that the other didn’t have so he knew he wasn’t going to stay where he was. It wasn’t until I listened to that tiny voice and broke off things with that relationship, that on Feb. 1, a couple of weeks later (making sure that my past relationship was good and out of my life, maybe?) that he was able to get membership to the gym where I worked. He had seen me first, and finally on the afternoon of February 14, was when he approached me – as a client. (Of course, because he was a client, neither one of us ever knew or planned that we would be in holy union. Yet individually, we both were praying to Jesus and ready to find someone to love). Once we dated, then were engaged, I literally felt as though I was being ushered by the hand spiritually, into Bob’s arms.
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. If you’ve been following the Ravens’ Ray Rice happenings, you’ll know that a video of him being on the elevator with his, at the time fiancee, and he punched her square in the face, knocking her out. She had since married him, and although in the recent pictures that have surfaced shows her either looking down, tight jawed, or just with a sullen expression, she tweeted that she will continue to stand by her husband, (with him being suspended) and that this was her unconditional love, and to please respect her, her daughter’s, and husband privacy. He had since reported that his wife a strong and supporting woman. Who knows but them, what happened behind closed doors throughout the span of their relationship? I don’t and don’t pretend to know, however, it is so common to see couples where one is getting secretly abused, either verbally, physically, or emotionally, yet because of giving into sex pre-maturely, their hearts are bound and devoted to their abuser. Just a question – is that love? Is that the kind of love you are seeking? Who is giving the unconditional love – her or her husband?
“So are you judging? I don’t want to judge anyone!”
Judging comes in two forms; 1.) condemning someone for some kind of act they committed and 2.) using proper filter and wisdom. For example, if you knew that a pedophile lived in your neighborhood, would you allow your child to be alone with this person? You don’t need to condemn to decide which is right and safe for your child and which is not.
Community – are you seeking life outside your own head? In order to properly have a healthy relationship, the right people in your life will look you square in the eye and let you know of a aura, or an energy, around that person that, once you’re bitten with the pre-mature sex bug, will be difficult to see.
Meditation – Are you focusing and being thankful that your perfect-for-you person will meet you?
Enjoying Every Life – Are you enjoying all that life has to give and offer?
It’s so common to be swept up in the whirlwind of having to have someone to fulfill our needs, and yet once in a relationship, we wonder where it went wrong. If you haven’t received what you deeply wanted so far, perhaps going deeper into your plan of action is necessary. After all, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? From this blog, I hope to communicate that perhaps reviewing our actions with our words to truly get our heart’s desire will be both necessary and rewarding.
Love, Peace, and Respect to you,
S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking www.twoheartsoffline.com
My previous blog left you wondering what happened … with the various scenarios. So far, we’ve discussed having a healthy spiritual relationship. Again, the question is what DO you believe? What are you going to hang onto during the trying times?
Once this is set into place:
2.) Courage comes easily. Courage doesn’t have to mean a loud confrontation. Some of the most impactful displays of courage happens when a simple, yet firm statement is made to loved ones. There is no room for arguing because you will not allow it. This is not a West Side Story generation – or, one from the 60s and before, where couples had to hide – in fear for their lives. (Yes, I know there are special cases.) But this is one where each can quietly have confidence that they are making the right decision for their own lives.
With my mother in-law, we had to share with her firmly, but with love. And when she went against what we requested of her, my husband, without hesitation, told her that because she could not respect his wife, especially in our home, she was no longer welcomed to stay in it. They still speak and she still tells him to give her love to me and and our daughter. But I think she respected him more just for holding his ground. I already knew he was like this, and times like this only gained my respect for him more.
Although I am often asked if my parents were accepting of his race, they were. My mother only had a problem with his age – even though I was 37 at the time.
“WHAT? HE’S A DIRTY OLD MAN WHO ONLY WANTS TO CONTROL YOU!”
Often, I hear of white mothers speaking candidly amongst each other:
“I don’t want my child to date a black person. Does that make me racist?”
I say, no need to worry. Whoever your child does decide to date, half of them probably won’t be…
But finally, interracial dating isn’t a novelty. It is one where, again, respect, of self and the other will take you both on a wonderful journey together.
If you are in an interracial relationship and the other person has kept you hidden for sometime, it is safe suggest that there be a cooling off period until maturity and courage has been reached. The little pain felt now pales in comparison after vows and children are involved.
No, your chosen spouse will proudly stand by you and love YOU.
Love your extra weight
Love your contagious boisterous laugh
Love your natural hair, even help you maintain it.
Love your fair skin that easily burn in the sun
Love your cooking that is filled with curry.
Love your freckles and red hair
Love your thin nose; your big nose; your tiny nose
And will gladly stand beside you in this life and will look for you in the next.
Stay strong, keep your inner eye and ear open, and keep smiling!
Next blog – He lived as an active homo-sexual and now is happily married to the woman of his dreams. Is he for real? As I am inexperienced in these matters, the nature of the next story is one which deals to today’s issues. With respect to each reader, this will be his story to openly share. Hope to hear from you. Please share with friends!
Love, Peace, and Respect to you,
Shakira “Arikah Nash” Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking
“She’s not as heavy as my wife was. I want someone heavier.”
“What is her education level?”
“Ugh, she’s got kids!”
“I don’t want to date outside my race.”
“She’s nice, but …”
“I’m just looking for a Christian woman with legs.”
“I guess I’ll just wait on God to send me my spouse.”
I’d like to stop right there on that last quote and elaborate on it a bit.
“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” – Song of Songs
“Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice? You who are simple, gain prudence, you who are foolish, gain understanding.” – Proverbs
This is a very delicate topic to discuss because truly, as the days get more and more evil, finding the one begins with wisdom, and that wisdom from the Lord. For my non-believing readers, it runs deeper than sophisticated intellect or simple knowledge, this is an actual prodding. Some say a ‘gut feeling,’ or the ‘conscious.’ But it is a clear discernment that is made and the answer in how to proceed accordingly. I’m not sure if I need to reveal if the above statements were made by believers or nonbelievers, but I will let you guess which said this statement, “I just want to do whatever will get me sex.”
And so, in the statement, “I’m waiting on God to send my spouse,” I will proceed accordingly, and pose a few questions to the person saying it;
Are you in a place in your life where you have never been married and are seeking?
Have you been asked out for simple dates, or are you asking out people for dates?
What are you basing your request for the date on; looks, after a few interactions, personality?
What are the reasons for turning down dates? Looks, personality, after a few interactions?
Do you often go out on dates in spite of making or rejecting requests?
Are you starting over from divorce a spousal death?
Are you giving yourself permission to allow yourself to start to date again?
Do you get anxious that the one date you do go out on, may be the one?
What do you do in your ‘waiting?’
Do you believe that you should only go out on dates with whom you’d consider to marry?
Number ten is a trick question.
While it is a popular way of thinking, there is a distinct difference between going out on dates and dating. One requires you to have gotten to know the person well enough to want to spend more time with him/her. The other is simple discernment as to whether the company is worth being shared in the first place – but again, what exactly are you agreeing or rejecting in your approach with the other person. What are you basing your answers on?
This brings to mind an example of a two clients I once had in my other profession, before the days of matchmaking. The very pretty female, who had never married, shared how demanding and stressful her missionary work was and how although she once had a relationship that lasted a year, she really hadn’t been able to have time to date, and that there ‘weren’t any good guys left who could respect her independent way of thinking and living.” She shared that she often had bouts of anxiety and that she was unable to sleep at nights. She was visibly tense, so much so, I mentioned how it seemed as though she needed to laugh and get her mind to decompress during her vacation period.
Fortunately – or unfortunately, my next client who was arriving shortly, was a well-established, successful businessman who lost his wife 7 years ago. He was charming and a devoted man, who changed his lifestyle to a more healthy one, loved on his family, loved the Lord, often shared his gratitude for his day – and told jokes that usually made me laugh out loud.
Towards the end of her session, she lingered a bit longer sharing light conversation telling more of herself, since she was a new client. The businessman showed up early and when he did, I told him to remind me of the joke he stated to me previously. He told it, she threw her head back and laughed, which encouraged him to tell at least 3 more. When she finally left, he stopped me and asked, “WHO was that vision?”
I didn’t say anything more than a new client who was referred to me from my hairdresser.
“I need to ask you, please give her my number.”
I was hesitant, but thought how she did ask me if I knew anyone who was a nice man. When I called her, I was tripping over my words nervously, but managed to tell her that the man who had made her laugh had ask if I could give his number to her.
As she giggled like a schoolgirl, this is what she said;
“Ohhh, hahah, I’m flattered but I’m not attracted to him. I wouldn’t want to get his hopes up, but tell him thank you!”
In my professionalism, I will refrain from sharing my opinion about the matter and let you create your own conclusions.
I will say, however, that the very thing the lady had requested was brought to her, without her doing anything, just being present, and she turned down a date.
Why do I make a big deal about this? Part of it is because in our waiting, waiting, waiting on the Lord for that perfect one, we not only seem to get frustratingly demanding, critical, and unyielding of anyone who does not fit our visual for being our one, we put God in a box.
Again, I ask you to look above at the scenario. What was she rejecting? Did she know his values? Did she know his work ethic? They spoke for less than 5 minutes and it consisted of jokes and laughter.
Conversely, another woman was interested in the businessman. The businessman, though charming about it, simply said she was a nice woman and left it at that. You see, the woman, though nice was very apparent that she lacked self-control – over her diet, her weight, her emotions, her physical wellness, and without saying so, the man clearly discerned that health attracts health and that she was not a representative of what he was interested in.
On the flipside, when I was single, I actually dated an unhealthy man that broke my heart. You would think I would have learned when the drunk woman who came up to me at a gig I was ready to perform at, told me that she was best friends with the woman he went to sleep with whenever we fought. You would think that the two weeks he went AWOL on me, I would have known. Instead I kept praying,
“God, is he the one? I mean, who am I to judge another? We all make mistakes…but God he doesn’t seem like the one you would give me. Is he the one?”
Anyway, after finally coming to my senses, drying my eyes, and allowing God to mend my heart, (with the help of laughter from the Golden Girls), I began to date, not as I did before becoming a Christian, where I’d get drunk and have one night stands. Nope, I really wanted to belong to someone and have him be only mine in holy union so, I grew up, and those days were long gone. No, this time, was different and I decided to go out on dates without any expectation except to enjoy myself and the company, and not mentally play out the story how the man across from me would be as a husband. I relaxed and actually enjoyed myself.
One of the men I dated during this time was an awesome man of integrity; a servant’s heart, and loved the Lord. He had shared with me that he wanted to remarry and his experiences with other dates and his ex, and his prayers to God to send him a wife. I enjoyed listening to his stories, his travels, his experience and Spiritual life. He and I were (and are still friends), but had only gone out on dates about 2 or 3 times. One of those times, I think he motioned to move in to kiss me. I said ‘I think,’ only because once I detected it, I turned my head the opposite direction. I wasn’t attracted to him in that way, and especially since I knew he wanted to marry, I almost felt like since he felt comfortable with me, he’d consider me as a wife, but he wasn’t in love. He just wanted to get married.
I started dating my future husband a few days after that. We had our first date on a Friday, I had a motorcycle date early the next morning with another gentleman. That Sunday, I reflected on things that were said that stood out on my date with Bob (husband), so that night, I asked if we could meet again on Monday (I wasn’t asking for a date, I wanted to talk to him about something I thought was more serious than we had been in previous conversations.)
That Monday when we met at the bench on the roundabout, I looked him straight in the eye and said,
“I wanted to let you know I’ve been going out on dates with other men, but no one is more serious than the other. I just wanted to tell you because I know you’re not dating anyone and I wanted to guard your heart.”
Bob: “I wouldn’t mind if we courted. Would you care to?”
Me: “Umm, sure.”
Bob: “Here’s the thing, though. I’m just scared I’ll like you more than you like me.”
Me: “Oh, don’t worry about that, I go home thinking about you! I’m scared that I may up seducing you if I really like you and you’re not the one.”
Bob: “You go home thinking about me?”
And like middle-schoolers, we awkwardly decided to give courting with each other a try. He wasn’t what was on my revised (many times) checklist. In fact, but for being a man who walked with God, non-smoker, displayed integrity as a man of his word, that was it. He was on a four-year decompress from a twenty year marriage. He had a 20 year old son. He is 15 years my senior. While he likes to travel, he doesn’t initiate trips, activities or vacations. While he can balance a checkbook and is disciplined in his finances, he admits to not being business-minded in financial affairs. Oh, but he’s not a musician, he did have that going for him. Really, only one ego-inflated talent under one roof is all I can take – and AMEN, I’ve been changing from that!
His story, as a man who was starting all over again, was that after asking the Lord to show him, for the first time, who would be his wife. He set out and started to narrow down his choices with God, like Samuel the prophet did in choosing David to be the future king.
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected (who you may visually think would be considered the chosen one.) The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
Afterwards, there were a whirlwind of conversations, including my going back to my friend from previous mention and letting him know I could no longer go out on dates with him anymore because I was starting to date exclusively. It surprised him I did it, but I respected and valued our friendship and wanted him to know.
Another male friend, who I never went on dates with, mentioned how he wanted to ask me out but was too nervous. I mentioned how Bob said the Spirit told him “she’s right in front of you,” and that prompt led him to ask me. The friend said, “Well I heard the spirit, too!” At which I told him, “Well the difference is, he listened. If you can’t follow directions, you and I wouldn’t work out anyway!”
As matter of fact MANY people came out of the woodwork when Bob and I began dating. (He asked for my hand two weeks later.) Men mentioned how they always wanting to ask me but were scared, one told me that since I wasn’t married yet, he and I could still go out, and finally one disgusting pig told me, after I was married and pregnant and not seeing him for several months, that he wanted to ask to me out for a second date because he wanted to have sex with me. Yes, he soon regretted that because I couldn’t have put his foot any lower into his mouth then at that moment.
Women closer to Bob’s age, ‘jokingly’ called me ‘heifer,’ and ‘bitch’ for taking the last older ‘decent’ guy from them. (Side-note: is it any wonder why they are still single? Just saying.)
The following was a comment I found on fb, so pardon the candidness.
T: THIS IS WHAT MANY GIRLS DO
BOY: Hey! GIRL: Hey! What’s up? BOY: So I’ve been thinking… GIRL: About? BOY: We’ve been friends for a while now and I think you’re really cool BOY: And I was wondering if we could go out on an actual date instead of All those other times we hang out as friends? GIRL: Why are you telling me this? BOY: Because I like you and I have feelings for you. Why? Did I say something wrong? GIRL: No… This is why I don’t have any guy friends GIRL: Most of them just end up liking me and I have to tell them I only see them as friends… GIRL: And I’m sorry but you’re a really nice guy, You know how to love and care, you possess all The qualities every girl needs in a man but me I just love hanging out with you and talking to you just as a friend. BOY: I see… GIRL: I’m sorry if I have hurt you. I hope we can continue to be friends though BOY: Yeah, yeah of course GIRL: Are you sure? BOY: Yeah, I’m sure GIRL: Great I’m glad you understand BOY: I do well I’ll try okay? GIRL: Yeah just hit me up if at all you wanna hang out for fun. A couple of weeks later, she texts him. GIRL: Hey! BOY: Hey GIRL: I miss you! Feels like we haven’t talked like forever BOY: Yeah I’ve been busy GIRL: Oh well wanna hang out soon? BOY: I’ll let you know when I’m free GIRL: Okay sounds good BOY: Okay She begins to sense something was off about him. They stopped talking after that day and didn’t talk for another couple of weeks. She decides to hit him up again. GIRL: Hey, can you talk? BOY: Yeah, what’s up? GIRL: I’m going through a very hard time right now. BOY: What’s wrong? GIRL: So, I met this guy a few weeks ago and we started talking and whatever and we planned To hang out and we did and one thing led to another and we did”things”and everything was all good at first but he’s been acting different since we started doing things. GIRL: Like he didn’t text me as much anymore and he doesn’t seem excited to talk to me or see me anymore… what do you think that means? BOY: Are you being serious right now? GIRL: What? BOY: He just wanted to get some ass out of you and he did and now he’s done with you because he got what he wanted and now he’s probably begun to talk to another girl and probably f*ing another girl as well and forgot you existed. So what’s not to get? GIRL: Why are you talking to me like this? BOY: Because I am mad at you. I am mad that this happened to you. I am mad because I would never have done this to you. You took me for granted… GIRL: I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I always fall for these kind of guys… I feel so horrible BOY: Honestly, Imma be straight up with you. You’re always wondering where all of the nice guys are. Guess where? In the friend-zone where you always put them. Yes, that’s including me. I stopped talking to you because I’m trying to get over you. I know you’ve been talking to another guy; I see the posts and pictures online from you. Do you know How much that hurt me seeing that? I can’t talk to You and pretend like I’m okay because I’m not. I would have never just used you for sex. I like you for you. I can see myself with you. I actually care about you. But for some reason, you’re too blind to see when someone actually genuinely is into you instead of just wanting to get into you. And you always let them which honestly make you so moronic. He didn’t get a reply from her after that message. He figured maybe that made her feel awkward, feel bad, or feel angry. Either way, he knows she’s thinking about it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Some girls don’t realize a good guy when he’s right in front of her and decides he’s not the guy for her. Then, karma hits them back when the guy they thought was nice, turned out To be an asshole. If you have got a guy who cares about you, who’s into you, who puts in all the effort To make you happy, who keeps your life going on, don’t keep him in the friend-zone if he openly told you that he loves you. Try to open up and see how things will work out. You never know he might be your true love. Love is a Beautiful thing….
I don’t necessarily agree with the above statement if it involves clear-minded, mature individuals (who wouldn’t be in situations like this anyway.) While this may be the common for others, I ask you to re-evaluate who you are considering asking out for dates, who you do try to date, and why you may be rejecting the requests for a simple date..
Love and Peace to you All!
S. Arikah Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking
…And by Cowboys, I mean the hard workers, the gentlemen, who know right from wrong; that an honest handshake and staring straight in the eye, went with holding to his word because it is his bond; the honest and true men who know how to saddle up a wild stallion while tying that lone piece of hay (or cigarette, but gag!), that’s hanging from his mouth, into knots with his tongue?
Where have those men gone who could provide for themselves; know how to use their minds to provide for their family; who understands that his woman actually enjoys dressing up every so often; just to go out have him woo her so to come home and dress down or take it off?
Where is that man who knows he answers to a Higher Power greater than him – and it’s not his emotions, his desires, the government, or his fears?
Where is that man who guides his children to be all that they can be, and while showing them a father’s love, how a man properly loves his wife, and how a man is suppose to be?
Where are they?
Being raised by single mothers who are struggling to make ends meet.
Being witness to the rage from the men they’re suppose call father.
Being spoiled by women who will compromise their virtue just to have them love or even notice them.
Being seduced by the notion that they must have more to have it all.
Being told, by women, they’re not “man enough.”
Being convinced by society that they’re not “bad enough,” or handsome enough, or young enough.
Losing self control and everything within them.
The folktales have depicted this man, and I know he isn’t fantasy. And just like I found my “cowboy,” (i.e. Good Man) there are more out there searching. Only these men are not as apparent, not as obvious, but are quietly watching your actions, watching how often you smile or sharing your smiles with others, complaining vs. explaining, listening, gossipping, how you love life, how you handle difficult situations – because just as you are strong, mentally, mature women, the strong, mentally mature man wants to know that as he will appreciate you, you are equally able to respect him – without losing your beautiful self in the process. If you have any less than that ladies – or men, the relationship is not benefiting either of you.
All I can say, ladies, is that I know, I didn’t take the last one.
I think it’s safe to say that the entire world communicates online.
Ok, I know, there are pygmy tribes that may still use smoke signal to indicate dinner’s on, and perhaps, even the Queen still uses telegraph on occasion, but doesn’t it feel like the whole world is digital and communicates through some messenger, text, or “chat?”
Funny how, even in an episode of “I Love Lucy,” set back in the early 50s, the character Lucy noticed how the television set was the culprit for her, Ricky, and her neighbors lack of spending the evening, talking. Remember those days? …I mean, I don’t, I wasn’t alive, but I remember the talks of it!
Yes, there is a point to all this.
The point is, just as carefree as we are sending a “I’ll call you back,” text, many of us can just as flippantly send (and heavily rely) on texts, chats, and some sort of digital social media messenger to communicate the health of a romantic relationship. By that I mean, instead of communicating face to face with our love interest, we say most things digitally, while when we are face to face, we stay on superficial levels, never really knowing the person we claim to “love.” Then once the true colors, the true personality emerge, we’re shocked and claimed that person “changed.”
Does it sound like I’m talking in code?
“Can we really say that we are “in love” when the foundations of the relationship had yet to be set outside of digital or telecommunication?”
I usually find myself convincing my clients the value of face to face conversation, beyond talking the pleasantries, but to actively listen to their prospective date and listen for the values they may or may not mention in the conversation. Listen to how they say they interact with their peers, and finally, listen for opportunities to establish more meaningful conversation and ask the pertinent questions. Is the person sound ready to begin an equal exchange of respect and love in a relationship with you? Is the person even starting the relationship the way a friend would? (This person is to be your BEST FRIEND for any possibility of mutual love and respect, remember?)
I use the term, “we,” because I am reminded of the first time I had to learn the above lesson. It’s a long story, but hopefully from it, you can learn why I am biased to establishing a healthy foundation OFFLINE with loved ones. Perhaps you will see patterns in your own interactions and be inspired to reduce the usage of digital communication, and have the courage to speak with meaning and pay attention to yourself and those entering your heart.
It was back in the mid 1990s, when I was young and stupid – ehh, I mean, adventurous. I was in my early 20s and although lived a few miles away from family, I was at a point in my life I wanted to be far from them and the town I grew up in, and go beyond the state line. It stayed in the back of my mind, but that’s an important part of this story, so keep it in mind.
One day, I saw an ad to buy into a company that had psychic, sports, and (something else that escapes for now) chat lines. I thought it seemed interesting enough, so I called for myself and my roommate. The representative who answered explained the whole concept. I didn’t purchase the plan (the founder, I believe, is still in prison for embezzlement), however, I convinced him that he should take my number down for his own personal use. (Don’t judge, I really liked his voice.)
Anyway, for the next two months, he and I spoke for 2 to 4 hours every day. I still hadn’t even seen a picture of him at this time, but he represented an “escape from my reality,” (remember earlier I told you to keep that part in your mind to make this part make sense?) I envisioned this man and I, happy together, not really doing anything, but we just weren’t in my town. We talked about EVERYTHING. I felt like I knew him and he knew me. So one day, I shocked him by saying, “you know, who are we fooling? Why don’t I just move over there with you?” He was in Arizona. I was in Virginia and at the time the furthest west I traveled was West Virginia for college. Honestly, at that time, I don’t think I would have listened to him if he said anything opposing the idea. On a subconscious level, I found my ticket out-of-town.
And it was a one way ticket. On the plane ride over, everyone who was in an earshot vicinity of me (and their travel partners), knew of my little excursion and humored me with the excitement rising in me. I explained of our love, and that we had never even met, but we knew it was real. (I cringe now thinking back at the risk…sheesh!)
When we landed, the passengers waited to witness our first meeting, I think some even thumbs up. He was attractive – exactly like a 5’10 version of Shane McMahon from the World Wrestling Federation – but nothing like the blond, surfer-type I pictured. At that point, I was high on elation and felt like I met my perfect match – (Are you remembering my mindset about my reality, though? Are you seeing how I was going to make him fit into the image I created in my mind about him?) Of course, I didn’t realize I doing this, I wasn’t intentionally trying to be a manipulator – I “loved” him. I just had to plan accordingly to make it work.
Keep in mind, this was my mindset. He had his own and because we never discussed that, I’ll only mention being on the receiving end of his mindset.
The first rude awakening I had in the importance of face to face interaction was when I was riding the passenger seat to his driving. He had told me once on the phone that he gets really annoyed with people when they don’t signal when merging into another lane. I agreed, thinking, ‘who doesn’t?’ However, I didn’t know that what that meant it looked like in real life when it happened was him, was him screaming, “WHAT THE F__?!!” pounding on the ceiling of our car, then speeding up to the driver and tailing all the way to when the driver would stop and then proceeded to flick the bird, or jump out of the car and start screaming like a baseball player and umpire.
Or, when he explained that he was a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan, I thought it was cute because I also followed them. However, in real life with him, I didn’t know that meant us getting kicked out of all the local sports bars in the area, because he’d get confrontational with the patrons who heckled him. Later, when we would stay home and watch the game, whenever Dallas fouled out, he would punch holes in our (apartment) walls.
Yes, we were the couple who would be driving down the freeway and all of a sudden the car would pull over, the woman jump out angrily (me) from the car grabbing bags, with even more thrown out after, and the car speeding off. That was us.
I am proud to say when I met my amazing current husband on Valentine’s Day, who was actually my massage client, we became best friends first. (No, it wasn’t that kind of massage!) I was able to see how he interacted with others, his personal values, his relationship with family, and his outlook on life. He was able to see the same in me, including my work ethic and standard I set for myself to achieve. These were our real selves – without pretension or pleasantries – sharing with each other, encouraging and accepting each other. (Mind you, he really didn’t know my personal life, but he could see my confidence and social activity as I interacted with hundreds of gym members a day.) He confessed one day that since his niece signed him up for a popular dating site, he was nervous to put himself out there and didn’t want his heart broken. I told him, with sincerity, “ for crying out loud, Bob, it’s coffee, not marriage! Ok, we’ll go on a practice date and I’ll tell you do this, no don’t do that when you’re on a date.” (See? Matchmaking was always in me!) He agreed and we had a great time eating, laughing, talking, and just sitting quietly watching people walk by that warm August night.
He would come and see me sing at gigs. It wasn’t long after that I started thinking of him more, but would poo-poo the subject because of him being a client. I asked to meet him again that Monday to speak to him, and it was there that I shared that I was going on casual dates, but had no one that stood out as anything more. I told him I wanted him to know that because I knew he wasn’t dating anyone and I wanted to guard his heart. When he asked to court me, right then and there, I couldn’t refuse. Two weeks later he asked for my hand. We married in December that same year.
While we still are growing as a couple, our foundation was set firmly as friends, then on our shared values. We both are in agreement that divorce is not an option and we work things out. Bob hadn’t even texted before dating me and I set boundaries on how our digital communication would look like saying 1.) No mushy texts/ emails and 2.) No texts after 10pm. The result was guarded hearts and room for us to engage in meaningful conversations.
Ready to go offline? Now the blog is finished. You may leave your comment and then shut of your computer, phone, or pad and start living!
Shakira “Arikah” Baly-Jensen; Wife, Mother, LMT, Author, Performer, Entrepreneur, and Founder of Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking and the new mobile dating app, Two Ships, to find local quality matches encourages uninterrupted offline time with family and friends to build and deepen bonds. Go to www.twoheartsoffline.com for more info. and to contact her. She’d love to hear from you and your story!
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