Tag Archives: singles

If He Couldn’t Perform Sexually, I’d Have a Problem…

Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom
Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom

A client sought me out over the phone, for my matchmaking services.  She said she was ready to marry to find the one and had been too busy to get out there.

She is an upstanding, financially responsible, 50 year old woman seeking a mutually mature, financially responsible male. After our introduction, I explained that the next step is to take the questionnaire, which covers most topics of conflicts within a relationship and gets to the core values of the individual.

Everything she answered showed her to be a woman of high standards, and easily qualified her to attain a mutual solid relationship with a man of equal values and standards.

When the questions involving sexual activity expectations came about, her ‘truth’ in the answers revealed something about herself that she wasn’t aware of:

Question:  If he couldn’t perform sexually, I’d ________     Her answer: (have a problem with that.)

Question:  If I couldn’t perform sexually, I’d want him to ________  Her answer: (assist me and help overcome it)

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Forget the fact that there are various issues, including medical or hormonal reasons, especially within that age bracket, where sexual activity is impacted to the point where patience and loving support is crucial. Those two questions actually cross over into other areas of the relationship and how a person deals with relationship issues.

There are so many singles (who do not want to be single – obviously I’m not referring to the happy and single individuals) who are entering the dating world with this, “the other person better be qualified, but when I falter, that person has to provide a safe place for me to be vulnerable.”

What would happen if we all had an attitude of providing a safe place to the other person?  In my experience, it is, by nature, impossible, because we naturally are ingrained to self-preserve, through selfishness.

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In my experience, and many, upon many successful individuals in mutually loving and solid relationships, there is usually a foundation from which that stems.  Those individuals that are able to respect the God within another person, project a respect that finds another, the right one for that individual, to become couples that respect and provide a safe place for each other to be vulnerable.

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For example, a couple of nights ago, I dreamt I was out on a date (still married) with an (unknown to me) man who was not my husband, but who was also married.  A the end of the date, I initiated a passionate kiss with this man to which although later he protested, he returned the kiss.  After that, I guess some time passed because the next thing I knew I was in front husband, who bent down to kiss me.  I looked over is shoulder and saw the other guy make a grimaced face and motioned to me to I should have washed my mouth before kissing him.

When I woke up, I texted my husband I loved him and apologized.  Let me explain.

I woke up that morning to help him out by making sandwiches for him for work. However, when I looked around the kitchen, I just instantly got ticked at the ‘mess.’  I was raised where chores were done at night, and I expected him to do his ‘share.’  Nevermind the fact, the man, even as I write this post, is working his seventh day at a laborious job.  Nevermind the fact that he wakes at 4:30/5am, gets home @ 4/5:30pm and I need him to watch our almost three year-old because I have to go to a meeting, audition, have computer time, etc.  Fill in the blank.  Whatever you choose, I neglected to provide a safe place for him to feel comfortable to relax, refresh, be vulnerable, whatever.

I took the dream as a warning that to get my needs met, if I don’t watch my attitude, I will cheat and deceive my husband – not necessarily involving another person, but definitely in a way that does NOT support the vows I made to him before God.

Anyway, I shared the dream with him.  I didn’t even get a chance to share all that, but you know what he did when he heard it?  He smiled and held me.  He joked and said, “let me know when you see him so I can punch his lights out.”  I told him, “But I did the initiating.”  He said, “So what? I’ll have to punch someone!”  and then we laughed.  He made it safe for me share that, and later when I was able to tell him what I thought the Holy Spirit was warning me, I emphasized to him that I wanted him to feel safe.

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I only know that from my own personal relationship to Jesus and what true intimacy is really about.

Friends, unless you can provide that or be that for someone, you’ll always find that you’ll have a problem.

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Happy Dating with Love and the REAL PEACE,

Arikah, Relationship Coach and Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Want to take the questionnaire to find your own match?  Need consultation to find out what could be holding you back from finding your love?  It’s easy, confidential, and affordable and in your area. Email us at two.hearts2share@gmail.com.

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“I’m Ready to Marry, But My “Type” Doesn’t Exist”

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There was a post on Facebook from one of my friends that stated, “Your ‘type’ may be the reason you aren’t with your soulmate.”  While many of the comments agreed, one pointed out that going outside your race as a reason.  Hmm?

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After being matched for the “chemical attraction/first meeting,” I arranged for two people whose questionnaire showed that they valued the same things and held the similar temperament, both agreed that they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.  He continued by saying that he was attracted to her and really enjoyed himself.  She mentioned that she had a great time and enjoyed the meeting, “however.”

“However, what?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t know how you determine chemical attraction but I wasn’t,” she said.

In my experience, I have heard more women – married women who are deeply in love with their husbands, start by saying that at first, they were not attracted to the man who would later become their husbands.  They all admit that although they would snub these men, there was something about them that they could see that God was definitely working on their hearts and what they needed, instead of what they wanted, and after the consistency, the stable-mindedness, and decisiveness of their suitors, they were in love and ready to devote their lives in matrimony.

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For my male clients, I help them in the process of letting go of the women who they personally pursued and still cannot let go.  When I ask them to tell me a quality of these women that they believe is marriage-worthy, they stutter and stammer.

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Ughhhh…..please..

My point in addressing the male’s situation, the female’s version of no chemical attraction, and the erroneous picture above is that I truly believe there is a mix up of people’s idea looking for dates and seeking marriage-worthy individuals.

One of the ways I match couples, is to give an extensive and in-depth questionnaire to truly understand what it is the person is looking for.  What they don’t know is that on the other side, there is a match for them.  I don’t tell them anything about the other person because I do not want the intention of the answers to change.  It’s important to screen the health and mindset of the person to be sure they are ready to begin a mutually loving relationship.  The individuals never see the pictures of the other person until the meeting, (but is sometimes within the boundaries of the what the individual is open to.) So, the individual based on the answers they give, will never know that if their potential is within reach.

Am I keeping them from meeting? You better believe it, in regards to my business, as I seek to match healthy-minded people with others; but I am not preventing them from meeting.  My mindset is if it is meant to be, they will find each other. It’s just sad when you can actually witness that it will take time for the person to evolve to place where they can give and receive a respectful, loving relationship.  I can’t stress enough, though, once it’s found, there is no other mutual devotion on earth, stronger and appreciated.

Couple enjoying coffee at Sidewalk Cafe --- Image by © Artiga Photo/Corbis
Couple enjoying coffee at Sidewalk Cafe — Image by © Artiga Photo/Corbis

What I’m saying is that looking for marriage minded individuals is much different than simply looking for attractive people who can hold a conversation.

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Today’s singles are collectively saying that they are single by choice, but that their “type” doesn’t exist – which means they’re looking.  They’re saying that their career comes first, however, says in the same breath that they wish even options or other perspectives, can talk to them.  And soon their pickiness becomes either bitterness or wishy-washiness. And for those who are wanting at marriage for another chance, many times, they haven’t learned the important signals that happen beforehand that create turmoil in their relationship, and so, the cycle begins again – Heaven forbid children are now involved.

It reminds me of a middle school dance, that awkward event (probably not so much today’s middle schooler, but you know what I mean) where although hormones are racing, no one has confidence to go up and ask out someone for the dance – or, is able to be open enough to be approachable to be asked. For the dance, mind you.

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I don’t know how else to illustrate that your “type” is there, I promise. However, if your old methods for finding dates are not working for you, is it that you’re using the wrong methods?  Are you using a superficial checklist that doesn’t even cover questions that prove the person would be loyal to you or has the ability to see you value the same thing?  Is it just based on looks, conversation, job status, or children status?

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Please note, when you are ready to find a spouse, your filter MUST be specific – but in the right ways. It is not based on whether his Bible (which he probably got from his grandma) is highlighted.  It’s not based on if she shares the same political views. It’s not based on definition of his pectoral muscles or whether or not he has facial hair.  It’s not based on whether she has a few extra pounds.

The ONE thing singles miss in their search, in the opinion of this professional dating coach and matchmaker, is the level of integrity they can honestly say they have seen consistently enough to even have a person qualified.  Integrity is what makes the beauty/handsome.  And that is something that is not shown in just words.  It’s not something that is can be determined after a few encounters. That takes time. Time, where neither party is manipulating the outcome, but is respectful, direct, and decisive.

So many, though, do not even know what integrity means.  Integrity is one where a person does what they say they’re going to do.  They respect themselves in a way that spills out for respect for others.  The person doesn’t call out on an appointment, or work, even (there’s a lot of that going on in the workforce) at the last minute because they don’t feel like coming in.  The person doesn’t make promises and breaks them. They respect themselves enough to not get in the situation if they think they can’t do it.  They help others without seeking to please others, or say the popular thing they think others want to hear.  They believe in loyalty and walk in that.  They vibrate on a completely different level – where it seems as though they are eccentric, but it’s only because they are surrounded by people who act entitled;, wanting the same things in a loving relationship, yet believe the other person must come in perfect to fit some unrealistic mold they’ve crafted that goes to serve them and their egos.

So then, I ask you, do you still think you’re type isn’t there?

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Want to take the preliminary online dating questionnaire? For just $25, (very limited time offer! Service begins at receipt of payment.) you can register to get the individualized personal first steps to help you find your spouse. Confidential, respectful, and prayer is always the key element in finding matches.  You don’t have to go it alone. Your pace.

Even for the shy.

Click here to begin.

Will Long Distance Romance work?

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Was the question I was asked.  My answer didn’t satisfy the probing person because she was considering it for herself with someone.

Here’s your answer:  It’s based on the individuals and the dynamic of the relationship.

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However, one where there the individuals have a spouse already – are you wanting me to say yes, just hold on to hope?

I can’t do that. I won’t do that.

I will say that if you start a relationship with someone who has a spouse long distance or right next door, you will be blinded to what a healthy relationship is, once the ‘excitement’ wears off.

If you want to find someone locally, contact us for help.  We can get you started with our Online Cupid Secretary Service and even offer an amazing trial run.

Happy Dating!

The Right Way and Wrong Way to Chase Him

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True story.

A long time ago, I had a very good friend who found Jesus the same time I did.  We understood heartaches, trauma, and overcoming.  We were like peas in a pod and really didn’t think of looking at each other in any other way but  through a platonic friendship.

But one evening, when we were sitting in his car after a bible group meeting, I remember (vaguely, but I do remember some things), crying about feeling unloved and unattractive to men.  I poured my heart out to him and being the good friend he was, he listened.

Then he said , “Shakira, one day you’re going to find a man and he’s going to be lucky to have you. He’s going to love you and you’ll see you’re worth it!”

Well, and if you didn’t know where I was going with this, I immediately thought he was talking about himself, so suddenly, the “scales fell from my eyes” and I started to like him. A lot.  I mean…… – a lot.  And unfortunately, it was one sided. Yep, I took words from a friend and made them – no, molded and forced them to be something they werent.

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As a matter of fact,  I told everyone in church he was going to marry me and be mine.  I told God (bwahah) that he was husband and to go ahead and make it happen.  I remember calling him in the middle of night one night to say something (important to me, but really drama!) and hearing him say, “Shakira, you’re scaring me. Are you drunk?”

UGHHHH!

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“OH, he WILL marry me one day!”

Ok, lesson learned – friendship forever ruined.  WRONG WAY – FAIL! Bye Felicia! …

A few years later, I went to live on the other coast and attended the singles group.   All the women were very close knit and comfortable and secure with the men to go out on dates, hang out and just be friends.  A new guy came in to the mix and all us women were checking him out.  He was sweet and attractive and fun.  He and I went out on a date which was at the gymnasium he taught at and it consisted of jumping in a pit of foam balls. IT WAS CRAZY FUN!!  But I didn’t really pursue him. In fact, another friend of ours in the group had her eyes on him and in so many words made clear that she was going after him.  I don’t remember her carrying on like I did, but I do remember it just being implied.  I think because we all loved each other, the women rallied around her to encourage it to happen. We prayed over her (and him unbeknownst).  I remember her doing little things for him, giving baked gifts to him.  They went out on a few dates and during that time I moved again.  The next thing I knew there were wedding announcements.  They are still together with two kids and are strong for each other.

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Both of us women are Christians, but I believe her maturity spiritually, socially, and mentally allowed her to not speak about her conquest before getting counsel, prayers, and confirmation.  I simply stated what I wanted and set about to loudly make him love me – which is why I put that picture above. That’s probably how I came across.  My friend, on the other hand, was able to control her emotions enough to not question him, but get to know him and stay in prayer.  Her friends, who she trusted, gave her great advice and served as her sounding board.

Many women over 28 – no, 35… no 43,… ok 50, swing in the pendulum of all or nothing.  Either there are no guys around to consider, (many times meaning there’s a bit of loner-ism to them) or they settle for the worst possible choice.

I even had a client who enjoyed her online dating experience because although she did want to marry one day, she wanted to enjoy herself out on a date.  When she finally did meet the man she would later marry, she made the comments of why they were waiting to exchange nuptials.  She proposed to him! Five years later, they’re still married strong.

Why not get a little bold – with self-control?

Yes, I was humiliated, but the awesome news is we’re all married to our chosen ones, without regrets.  Although the friend and I no longer speak, I’m so incredibly grateful he wasn’t the one.  As my own marriage grows and my husband and I get to know each other each day, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Is there anyone you’ve had your eyes on?

Some have resorted to this .   Click and find out if this works for you.

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