A client sought me out over the phone, for my matchmaking services. She said she was ready to marry to find the one and had been too busy to get out there.
She is an upstanding, financially responsible, 50 year old woman seeking a mutually mature, financially responsible male. After our introduction, I explained that the next step is to take the questionnaire, which covers most topics of conflicts within a relationship and gets to the core values of the individual.
Everything she answered showed her to be a woman of high standards, and easily qualified her to attain a mutual solid relationship with a man of equal values and standards.
When the questions involving sexual activity expectations came about, her ‘truth’ in the answers revealed something about herself that she wasn’t aware of:
Question: If he couldn’t perform sexually, I’d ________ Her answer: (have a problem with that.)
Question: If I couldn’t perform sexually, I’d want him to ________ Her answer: (assist me and help overcome it)
Forget the fact that there are various issues, including medical or hormonal reasons, especially within that age bracket, where sexual activity is impacted to the point where patience and loving support is crucial. Those two questions actually cross over into other areas of the relationship and how a person deals with relationship issues.
There are so many singles (who do not want to be single – obviously I’m not referring to the happy and single individuals) who are entering the dating world with this, “the other person better be qualified, but when I falter, that person has to provide a safe place for me to be vulnerable.”
What would happen if we all had an attitude of providing a safe place to the other person? In my experience, it is, by nature, impossible, because we naturally are ingrained to self-preserve, through selfishness.
In my experience, and many, upon many successful individuals in mutually loving and solid relationships, there is usually a foundation from which that stems. Those individuals that are able to respect the God within another person, project a respect that finds another, the right one for that individual, to become couples that respect and provide a safe place for each other to be vulnerable.
For example, a couple of nights ago, I dreamt I was out on a date (still married) with an (unknown to me) man who was not my husband, but who was also married. A the end of the date, I initiated a passionate kiss with this man to which although later he protested, he returned the kiss. After that, I guess some time passed because the next thing I knew I was in front husband, who bent down to kiss me. I looked over is shoulder and saw the other guy make a grimaced face and motioned to me to I should have washed my mouth before kissing him.
When I woke up, I texted my husband I loved him and apologized. Let me explain.
I woke up that morning to help him out by making sandwiches for him for work. However, when I looked around the kitchen, I just instantly got ticked at the ‘mess.’ I was raised where chores were done at night, and I expected him to do his ‘share.’ Nevermind the fact, the man, even as I write this post, is working his seventh day at a laborious job. Nevermind the fact that he wakes at 4:30/5am, gets home @ 4/5:30pm and I need him to watch our almost three year-old because I have to go to a meeting, audition, have computer time, etc. Fill in the blank. Whatever you choose, I neglected to provide a safe place for him to feel comfortable to relax, refresh, be vulnerable, whatever.
I took the dream as a warning that to get my needs met, if I don’t watch my attitude, I will cheat and deceive my husband – not necessarily involving another person, but definitely in a way that does NOT support the vows I made to him before God.
Anyway, I shared the dream with him. I didn’t even get a chance to share all that, but you know what he did when he heard it? He smiled and held me. He joked and said, “let me know when you see him so I can punch his lights out.” I told him, “But I did the initiating.” He said, “So what? I’ll have to punch someone!” and then we laughed. He made it safe for me share that, and later when I was able to tell him what I thought the Holy Spirit was warning me, I emphasized to him that I wanted him to feel safe.
I only know that from my own personal relationship to Jesus and what true intimacy is really about.
Friends, unless you can provide that or be that for someone, you’ll always find that you’ll have a problem.
Happy Dating with Love and the REAL PEACE,
Arikah, Relationship Coach and Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking
Want to take the questionnaire to find your own match? Need consultation to find out what could be holding you back from finding your love? It’s easy, confidential, and affordable and in your area. Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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