Tag Archives: single people

If He Couldn’t Perform Sexually, I’d Have a Problem…

Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom
Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom

A client sought me out over the phone, for my matchmaking services.  She said she was ready to marry to find the one and had been too busy to get out there.

She is an upstanding, financially responsible, 50 year old woman seeking a mutually mature, financially responsible male. After our introduction, I explained that the next step is to take the questionnaire, which covers most topics of conflicts within a relationship and gets to the core values of the individual.

Everything she answered showed her to be a woman of high standards, and easily qualified her to attain a mutual solid relationship with a man of equal values and standards.

When the questions involving sexual activity expectations came about, her ‘truth’ in the answers revealed something about herself that she wasn’t aware of:

Question:  If he couldn’t perform sexually, I’d ________     Her answer: (have a problem with that.)

Question:  If I couldn’t perform sexually, I’d want him to ________  Her answer: (assist me and help overcome it)

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Forget the fact that there are various issues, including medical or hormonal reasons, especially within that age bracket, where sexual activity is impacted to the point where patience and loving support is crucial. Those two questions actually cross over into other areas of the relationship and how a person deals with relationship issues.

There are so many singles (who do not want to be single – obviously I’m not referring to the happy and single individuals) who are entering the dating world with this, “the other person better be qualified, but when I falter, that person has to provide a safe place for me to be vulnerable.”

What would happen if we all had an attitude of providing a safe place to the other person?  In my experience, it is, by nature, impossible, because we naturally are ingrained to self-preserve, through selfishness.

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In my experience, and many, upon many successful individuals in mutually loving and solid relationships, there is usually a foundation from which that stems.  Those individuals that are able to respect the God within another person, project a respect that finds another, the right one for that individual, to become couples that respect and provide a safe place for each other to be vulnerable.

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For example, a couple of nights ago, I dreamt I was out on a date (still married) with an (unknown to me) man who was not my husband, but who was also married.  A the end of the date, I initiated a passionate kiss with this man to which although later he protested, he returned the kiss.  After that, I guess some time passed because the next thing I knew I was in front husband, who bent down to kiss me.  I looked over is shoulder and saw the other guy make a grimaced face and motioned to me to I should have washed my mouth before kissing him.

When I woke up, I texted my husband I loved him and apologized.  Let me explain.

I woke up that morning to help him out by making sandwiches for him for work. However, when I looked around the kitchen, I just instantly got ticked at the ‘mess.’  I was raised where chores were done at night, and I expected him to do his ‘share.’  Nevermind the fact, the man, even as I write this post, is working his seventh day at a laborious job.  Nevermind the fact that he wakes at 4:30/5am, gets home @ 4/5:30pm and I need him to watch our almost three year-old because I have to go to a meeting, audition, have computer time, etc.  Fill in the blank.  Whatever you choose, I neglected to provide a safe place for him to feel comfortable to relax, refresh, be vulnerable, whatever.

I took the dream as a warning that to get my needs met, if I don’t watch my attitude, I will cheat and deceive my husband – not necessarily involving another person, but definitely in a way that does NOT support the vows I made to him before God.

Anyway, I shared the dream with him.  I didn’t even get a chance to share all that, but you know what he did when he heard it?  He smiled and held me.  He joked and said, “let me know when you see him so I can punch his lights out.”  I told him, “But I did the initiating.”  He said, “So what? I’ll have to punch someone!”  and then we laughed.  He made it safe for me share that, and later when I was able to tell him what I thought the Holy Spirit was warning me, I emphasized to him that I wanted him to feel safe.

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I only know that from my own personal relationship to Jesus and what true intimacy is really about.

Friends, unless you can provide that or be that for someone, you’ll always find that you’ll have a problem.

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Happy Dating with Love and the REAL PEACE,

Arikah, Relationship Coach and Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Want to take the questionnaire to find your own match?  Need consultation to find out what could be holding you back from finding your love?  It’s easy, confidential, and affordable and in your area. Email us at two.hearts2share@gmail.com.

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When You’re All Prayed Out for Finding a Spouse

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Lisa* (name changed), a single woman in her mid- 40s, attends church regularly.  She knows and calls on God being her all.  She attends single’s events and women’s events, gets along well with her co-workers – even known in the office as the “one to ask when you need prayers.”   She’s been on several dates in the past that never worked out but had always prayed for a husband and children that came from her own womb to love and call her own.  She’d been walking the conservative life as a Christian for over 20 years and even though she knows things are in God’s timing, there is a tiny part in her that believes that she has to pray a certain way or learn a certain thing before God gives her the husband she’d been asking for.  All this is done while keeping her distance from being approached for fear of “falling” for the wrong guy or getting involved too quickly. A first time “coffee date” involves an interrogation for why he may not be the one or if he could be one – which she mistakenly and innocently disguises as conversation.

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Peter* (name changed), in his late 40s, has been out with many Christian women and tried many times, without realizing it, to be the guy that could fit each potential woman’s life in case she was “the one.”  He even was engaged a couple of times. He had been telling God repeatedly he was ready for a wife and believed that God answers prayers, but each time he would consider a woman to be even his girlfriend, the woman would usually end it.  He would hear, “You’re too much of a good guy, I guess part of me wants a bit of a bad boy.”  He then believed that the answer, slapping him in the face, was that 1.) he must become a jerk to even get a dating relationship because Christian women want that now, and 2.) God doesn’t answer prayers for a spouse.

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THE NUMBER ONE reason for romantic problems…

Who’s guiding you?

In my business, I come in contact with many people in all walks in life – believers and nonbelievers, and on a grand scale, I try to reach out to all and speak about something everyone wants – unconditional love, acceptance, and to be understood. The most surprising thing is that there are more Christians who truly struggle with the journey of receiving the desires of their heart, especially in regards to finding a spouse.  Many think it has to come in a formula prayer or life-point, while slowly building resentment, or depression and grief, or bitterness and even pride in their hearts towards God and give up on prayers being answered.  Many cry out in deep agony outwardly and internally to God but after months and years they begin to doubt. Pride, at this point, has taken its toll and either the person takes matters into their own hands to make things happen, saying they don’t need God to make things happen in their lives (think Sarah, Abraham’s wife when she was promised a son, and because it was taking too long, took matters into her own hands. A move that still affects today and why there is war in the Middle East) to swinging in the absolute opposite side of the pendulum and subconsciously hide, making it impossible to meet possible candidates (think Moses’ attitude in Exodus 4: 1-24)

I’ve been asked many times what qualifies me in this profession.  How would I know the relationships would last? How would I know the two were meant for each other?

While nothing in this world is guaranteed, there are no apologies for believers yielding humbling themselves to the actual need of the Power, Grace, and Direction of God.  The Proverbs are filled with the importance of wisdom and discernment and even gives important and life-altering information on how to find and keep a spouse.  Many times, it is very easy in the Christian world to intellectualize the need for Jesus’ Power, but our hearts do not believe.

But here is something I want to leave you with: when you are all prayed out, let it go and believe.  The hardest part about prayer is the actually believing that it is being answered.

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And if you don’t know His character perhaps that should be your focus, instead of trying in vain to improve yourself and judge others?

Why would God, who makes no apologies for being vehemently passionate about preserving the sanctity of the marital covenant, why would He be lackadaisical – impasse, even when it comes to ensuring strong marriages are created?  With our vows being committed to HIM, as God being the third cord and glue to bond and hold the marriage, why would He not answer prayers?

“You don’t get because you don’t ask God. When you do ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” – James 4:2-3.

This can be applied in all circumstances.

“…Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, you words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me because I was detained there with the king of Persia.” – Gabriel to Daniel, Daniel 10:12-13.

Let go and believe.

Humble yourself and active aligned yourself with your Maker so to be a part of His plan.

Repent of the pride that may be subtly building.  Ask God to search your heart and make clear to you any pride that may have taken root.  Ask others around you (the wise has many advisors) who can be honest with you what is apparent about your persona involving your singleness.  And allow a date to just be a date to be encouraged and to encourage another without qualifying the person as a spouse too soon.

I pray with you.  I pray for you.  Part of the matchmaking with my clients, is being an objective party both candidates can confide in and pray.  The goal of the company is NOT simply to matchmake for the sake of doing it, but to do it right, with setting God as the actually compass in connecting the pair.  Clients, if anything, learn about themselves, past choices and why they made the choices, which serve as a break in the walls that had been built up from repeated heartaches.

I want to hear from you.  Go to the facebook page to stay posted and encouraged. Apply for assistance in finding your love here. 

Love and peace,

S. Arikah Baly-Jensen, founder of Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

How to NOT Make the Holidays Lonely as a Single Person

The Holidays don't have to be lonely with proper planning.
The Holidays don’t have to be lonely with proper planning.

The Holidays; usually a time of peace and love and good-will towards man, but can often be the most loneliest time of the year for some.  However!

(there’s always that Ray of Hope that I intend to always shine on my readers, as my own selfish pleasure!)

With the proper planning, YOU do not have to be caught off-guard feeling that hole in your chest.  The first part is properly managing your SEROTONIN levels.

1.)  Very important, how are your vitamin D levels?  It’s no secret that in the winter, the sun’s hiding has made many people suffer from seasonal depression.  Many times, the difference between smiling and not is just a boost to your levels.  Your physician can check them out.  If you’re like me, who doesn’t really have a physician, per se, I simply only had to monitor my dietary intake to know that I needed an increase in Vitamin D.

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2.)  As your workload/hours increase, plan on a way to have a definitive down time.  Many, many people find that their workload is in crunch time as more consumers are spending in various industries.  It is just as important to have a set and scheduled time to take a deep breath and relax.  Think of it this way, you are only the best YOU you can be when your cortisol levels are lowered (the adrenaline that helps you kick in it into high gear).  Things that I do (being a work from home mother of an active toddler, 2 active businesses, business meetings, serving clients, and then making sure to be the wife I’m need to be);   I have a 20 minute Epsom soak bath for myself once per week, I workout in my living room, and make sure to have a massage session at least once per month.

3.) Sleep PatternsIt’s all about the Serotonin-  Again, for many people during the winter season and holidays, because there is a slight dip in serotonin,  many people find that they are more prone to either sleep more (due to depression from the low serotonin levels), chronic fatigue syndrome or suffer the other extreme – insomnia.  During this time, not only does the correct dietary intake positively affect the levels, but positive mantra-type chants as affirmations prove to be more than just words, but actually changing your thought patterns.

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4.) Extend kindness –  Here’s something worthy of comment: If you deal with the public in your business in any way, planning on quenching the fires of angry customers is the definition of true kindness. Anyone can be nice to someone who is nice to him/her.  And you already know customers will be testy. Planning on “killing them with kindness” will put you at ease and prep you when their heads and fingers wag in your face.

'...I'm lookin' for the book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'!'

5.) Plan and set appointments for yourself for 15 minutes of laughter DAILY.  Although I don’t think explanation is needed here, just see above at the first 4 reasons why (hint: it starts with a “sero” and ends with “tonin.”)

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6.)  Time with Friends  – Time with NEW friends here, or those who you don’t get the opportunity to hang with, but mean to.  And do different things! Ice skating, skiing, Specialty International food dining, or just hot cocoa and a brisk walk can do wonders for yourself and the other person

7.) Make gifts – don’t buy a thing!  – Whoa, what?  Yep, I said it.  Save your pocketbook and the temptation to overspend and perhaps make candles, soaps, knit, scarves, etc. for gifts and start passing them out.  Just a hint;  Many, million-dollar businesses have started with simply crafts. Just saying..

8.)  Plan on having change for the Salvation Army Bell Ringers- Even seeing these volunteers, we tend to be callous and desensitized to the fact that they are people and they are choosing to stand in the cold for a cause. Having change in your pocket to give when you go out will surprisingly make you feel good to know you are making a difference.

9.) When you are out in public, SMILE! Make eye contact and Smile!  If misery loves company, why on earth would anyone want to share company with a miserable person?  Aren’t you attracted to people who smile (it doesn’t mean that you have to marry the person or ask the person to birth your children), but for someone to actually smile… That’s usually the first way a fulfilling love can happen.

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Now, here’s my heart for you and something I want you to truly take to heart :  You ARE Worthy.  You are Precious. You are Valuable.  Your life DOES matter.  In the good times and when you go through changes or struggles, you STILL matter. Your Overcoming is Inspiring.  You have already been through so much, and yet you keep going.  THAT’s Inspiring.

And though you may not feel worthy, priceless, or inspirational, that doesn’t mean it is true.  With or without your feeling these things, there is a Lord who professes this fact. A Lord of order and Peace and not one to bash, belittle, or demean, but to encourage, strengthen, and show favor upon.  I have been witness to many things; horrible marriages, abusive relationships and the such, even when they mistaken do this in the name of the lord. I used a small “l” because that’s not the Lord.  I have seen the Power of a strong, lasting, loving marriage whose bond, or glue rather, is the Lord the couple made the vows before.  I have seen, and now personally experiencing, how each person in the marriage resolve conflict.

Many times, this enlightened person started with alone times during the Holidays, and fervent prayer not for their Dream Guy/Girl be sent to them randomly, but instead praying over the very person they will be with; praying over his/her day, etc.  This isn’t fantasy.  This is actively preparing yourself to not only be in love and receive it, but to give it.

So on that note,

number 10.) Pray for your unseen mate and the day that he/she may be having, and that wherever in the world you are, you both are able to recognize each other when you do meet.

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Love, Peace, and Smiles to You,

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Shakira ‘Arikah Nash’ Baly-Jensen, Founder Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

We are taking pre-order subscriptions for the App, Two Ships.  Go to the http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking and like the page to be given the invitation and instructions.  Beta-testers wanted.

Also, if you would like to try out our services, give us a call at 615.422.5079 or email us at two.hearts2share@gmail.com.  Trust me – you can afford it!

P.s.  I don’t know much, but I do know this…..th (2)