Tag Archives: sexual

If He Couldn’t Perform Sexually, I’d Have a Problem…

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Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom

A client sought me out over the phone, for my matchmaking services.  She said she was ready to marry to find the one and had been too busy to get out there.

She is an upstanding, financially responsible, 50 year old woman seeking a mutually mature, financially responsible male. After our introduction, I explained that the next step is to take the questionnaire, which covers most topics of conflicts within a relationship and gets to the core values of the individual.

Everything she answered showed her to be a woman of high standards, and easily qualified her to attain a mutual solid relationship with a man of equal values and standards.

When the questions involving sexual activity expectations came about, her ‘truth’ in the answers revealed something about herself that she wasn’t aware of:

Question:  If he couldn’t perform sexually, I’d ________     Her answer: (have a problem with that.)

Question:  If I couldn’t perform sexually, I’d want him to ________  Her answer: (assist me and help overcome it)

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Forget the fact that there are various issues, including medical or hormonal reasons, especially within that age bracket, where sexual activity is impacted to the point where patience and loving support is crucial. Those two questions actually cross over into other areas of the relationship and how a person deals with relationship issues.

There are so many singles (who do not want to be single – obviously I’m not referring to the happy and single individuals) who are entering the dating world with this, “the other person better be qualified, but when I falter, that person has to provide a safe place for me to be vulnerable.”

What would happen if we all had an attitude of providing a safe place to the other person?  In my experience, it is, by nature, impossible, because we naturally are ingrained to self-preserve, through selfishness.

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In my experience, and many, upon many successful individuals in mutually loving and solid relationships, there is usually a foundation from which that stems.  Those individuals that are able to respect the God within another person, project a respect that finds another, the right one for that individual, to become couples that respect and provide a safe place for each other to be vulnerable.

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For example, a couple of nights ago, I dreamt I was out on a date (still married) with an (unknown to me) man who was not my husband, but who was also married.  A the end of the date, I initiated a passionate kiss with this man to which although later he protested, he returned the kiss.  After that, I guess some time passed because the next thing I knew I was in front husband, who bent down to kiss me.  I looked over is shoulder and saw the other guy make a grimaced face and motioned to me to I should have washed my mouth before kissing him.

When I woke up, I texted my husband I loved him and apologized.  Let me explain.

I woke up that morning to help him out by making sandwiches for him for work. However, when I looked around the kitchen, I just instantly got ticked at the ‘mess.’  I was raised where chores were done at night, and I expected him to do his ‘share.’  Nevermind the fact, the man, even as I write this post, is working his seventh day at a laborious job.  Nevermind the fact that he wakes at 4:30/5am, gets home @ 4/5:30pm and I need him to watch our almost three year-old because I have to go to a meeting, audition, have computer time, etc.  Fill in the blank.  Whatever you choose, I neglected to provide a safe place for him to feel comfortable to relax, refresh, be vulnerable, whatever.

I took the dream as a warning that to get my needs met, if I don’t watch my attitude, I will cheat and deceive my husband – not necessarily involving another person, but definitely in a way that does NOT support the vows I made to him before God.

Anyway, I shared the dream with him.  I didn’t even get a chance to share all that, but you know what he did when he heard it?  He smiled and held me.  He joked and said, “let me know when you see him so I can punch his lights out.”  I told him, “But I did the initiating.”  He said, “So what? I’ll have to punch someone!”  and then we laughed.  He made it safe for me share that, and later when I was able to tell him what I thought the Holy Spirit was warning me, I emphasized to him that I wanted him to feel safe.

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I only know that from my own personal relationship to Jesus and what true intimacy is really about.

Friends, unless you can provide that or be that for someone, you’ll always find that you’ll have a problem.

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Happy Dating with Love and the REAL PEACE,

Arikah, Relationship Coach and Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Want to take the questionnaire to find your own match?  Need consultation to find out what could be holding you back from finding your love?  It’s easy, confidential, and affordable and in your area. Email us at two.hearts2share@gmail.com.

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Is This Growing Trend in Marriage Working?

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Yesterday, while driving home listening to the radio, the DJ mentioned that there is a growing trend on married couples nowadays – happily, living apart from each other. Like thousands of miles apart.  The couple he referred to had one living in New Zealand, the other in the United Kingdom and she was happily pregnant. He didn’t say anything about the duration of time apart, but, from how he was segueing into the topic, the couple each had a home, signed a contract, and figuratively speaking, happily went their separate ways.  My mind, almost automatically, went first to, “Is it his?” to, “Is he military?” and then, was searching for a way this equaled happiness among married couples.  I had arrived home by then, and didn’t stay to hear the listeners’ call-in response, so this is a question still left unanswered to me.

This morning, I tuned into a preacher’s sermon and he mentioned how he had been told by fellow believers and members in his congregation, that God had given these individuals “signs” to prove that they needed to get a divorce.  He emphatically stated, “Let me be clear, God is NOT giving anyone signs for divorce…”

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Different Strokes for different folks, yes, I get that, but I guess why I’m having a hard time understanding the choices the above individuals are making, is because I have come to the understanding that marriage is an outward display to show others what patience, kindness, encouragement, trustworthiness, is supposed to look like towards another human being. All relationships do this in some way, but this is one where a stranger, not joined by blood, must connect with another and be these things to each other. I have personally watched and (unbeknownst to them) studied couples, (when I didn’t believe in marriage and what it represented,) and have seen them, not be envious, but supportive, protective, and bring out the best in each other.  They were the ones who gave me a shred of hope.

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You see, whether or not a person likes it, they’re being watched (I’m not even talking about Big Brother or Alien Life Forms here), I’m saying closer to home.   A person may think that when they finally decide to be exclusive to another person, it is based on their personal happiness, but it’s not.  I think there’s a part inside each of us that watches and hopes that person, those two people who seem so happy at the moment,  has this “love thing” figured out to give us hope.  And every time a marriage ends, a little part of our hope dies.

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During the days when I was an unbeliever in marriage, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore were my hope that even Hollywood could have stars maintain a healthy marriage.  To say I was crushed to see the tabloids at the checkout line, of their breakup, was an understatement.  I thought to myself, if they couldn’t do it, and they seem like two really nice people, why try?

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After that, I saw the trend.

Every time Hollywood gets too involved in a married couple’s business, (or, a married couple are a little too out there in their marriage), I’ve noticed that it adds another chink in their armor.  The armor they vowed each other to protect, regardless if they mentioned God, or not.  It is implied that, in all the world, this one person standing next to you will be one who you can proudly and confidently say, “we finally found each other!” as the definitive statement and not a question.

I lovingly put these questions out there, not just to the readers, but to myself; when inside, I’m gnawing with frustration toward my own husband; sometimes audaciously, other times legitimately – What is it that you want? When will you ever be satisfied? And, why must the other person “get it,” but you expect to have grace when you mess up and fall short? Ugh..

I’m glad to say that my eyes at that point began shifting upward.  I began to understand that there were two school of thoughts about the human definition of “love” (regardless of language). Of course, there’s eros (sexual, physical love) , phileo (brotherly love)  and agape (unconditional love), but in regards to our heart, we want agape.  We know we want and deserve someone who is forgiving and patient with us.  We know when we’re misunderstood by that one person, we feel a million miles apart from our own heart.  We know how it’s suppose to feel – because when we don’t get it, we notice.  But how is it suppose to look?  It’s so rare, and we feel as though we’re the only ones struggling to get it right. Perhaps that’s why we look at other relationships so closely.

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That’s why I am passionate about helping others find peace within themselves so they will seek out relationships that have the foundations set to mutually be solid, loving, peaceful, and lasting. And in the same the home. Consider this a sign to be encouraged.
Want to see if you and your honey are truly compatible, or find areas to work on?  Contact us here.

Love, Peace, Hugs, and Respect,

Arikah

How to Know When You’re Ready to Date

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Up until now, I would hope you have been following the common thread each post carries – in order to find the relationship you’re looking for, you’ve got to be clear-minded and healthy in your own mind to be able to recognize the best fit for you.

It’s important to bring your heart out last when building the relationship because, as the saying goes, love is blind. “Love” or strong feelings brought about by coddling the ego, or eros, makes the woman make excuses for the man who is, not just wrong for her, but toxic in nature. “Love” is what makes the guy believing that the girl who says he’s just too nice for her holding on to hope that one day, she’ll come around and see him as that great guy.

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I’ve met many people who say they are ready to date, yet digging deeper and listening to them, many times they have unrealistic expectations set on the potential person – should that person ever decides to come forward.  And all that is really covering a fear of the unknown, a bit of hopelessness, and impatience while looking at their proverbial inner clock.

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So how does one know that he or she is ready to date?

Well, for starters:

1.) Do you feel comfortable enough to approach someone on your own and striking up a conversation to actually get to know the person, or are you mentally qualifying them in your mind? (p.s. ladies, this goes for you, too!)

2.) Do you feel your breathing get more rapid when you think about going out for the date?

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3.) Have you let yourself go in appearance, with the mistaken attitude, of “love me like this, or leave me!” ? (p.s. really, if you don’t expect to consider someone when they have let themselves go from being their best self to sub-par, stop with the double standard!)

'Hi, do I sit here? Er...Oh.' (woman holding up sign saying 'Go away, you're ugly.').

4.) Does it feel like work for you to enjoy being in the company of others?

5.) Are you involve in extra-curricular activities to meet people – where you can shine?

6.) Are you polite to those who serve you? (side note, a friend of mine ended up marrying the waiter who served her when she was out with her friend for lunch.)

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7.) Can you honestly say if you been “picky,”  which can be, without you realizing it be either snobby, judgemental, or unapproachable (i.e. would you be able to play the main character of, “The Taming of the Shrew?”)

8.) Can you go on dates and just enjoy it for what it is, or are you already interrogating them in your mind? (sidenote; MOST marriage minded people do, which puts them in a mindset of really not enjoying the moment)

9.) Are you polite enough to thank them for their time or are you thinking of how to get to kiss or sleep with the person.

10.) Can you flirt without being a tease or making sexual connotations? (hint: a smile can mean all the difference)

11.) Can you wear clothes for the first few dates that are modest enough to where the person does not have to be staring at your body all night, but actually hear what you’re saying, to allow them to get to you for you, or do you feel your body is what will keep the person coming back? (Classy, not trashy – that goes for both men and women)

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12.) Can you allow yourself to make mistakes and flub up the date and extend the same grace for the other person?

Well if so, you’re on your way.  Even if you’re shy, feel awkward, or have too much of a hectic schedule, you can still meet have amazing dates that will lead you to your “one.”

Ready to set up a complimentary 15 minute consultation appointment?  Go here.

All About Sex? So, How’s Your Search in Finding True Love Going?

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I think it’s wise to start with the question first, “What is it that you truly want for yourself?”

Listening to the Think and Grow Rich call this morning, it was read that one of the things written in Dr. Napolean Hill’s was only those who know want they want out of life get it.  A caller even mentioned that in an interaction between two people the one with the stronger will, will win out.

What does this have to do with the casual sexual relations among dates and dating?  Many people say that they want true love and someone to love them for them, yet in the same breath either discover too late that they had given the gift and privilege of themselves to undeserving others, or, they speak of satisfying their own “urges.”   Really it all boils down, what is it that you truly want?

“Oh, that’s easy for you to say, and that may work for you, but if I don’t, they think something is wrong with me.”

“Girl, I am just a sexual being – you get me?”

“Hey, a guy / girl ‘s got needs.”

“Well, yeah I love God. I still want the nookie.”

“I’ve got a high sex drive.”

“Hey, anything that will get a girl to have sex with me, I’m willing to say or legally do.”

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I was thinking of the dear widows and widowers I know, young and older, and realized they never spoke of satisfying these urges. Instead they would speak with respect, of their departed.  Sure they mention of wanting to be in a relationship, however, they would speak in a way to love the person.

Again, I noticed that it all boiled down to respect of themselves and others.

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It’s funny how we (or the audience does) boo and laugh at the people on the talk shows or court shows or in the tabloids and shake our heads in disgust when they advertise how their sexual lives and infidelity are shameful.  But is it shameful because it’s out in the public or because they are doing it?

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Perhaps, in the search of finding our “true love,”  we can actually be the type of person with the type of values and morals we want to attract, or at least act as though we are being watched? One thing I’ve learned is that whatever is done in the dark, will eventually have light shed on it.  Sooner or later in some shape or form, it will be revealed including our mistrust of another.

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Being celibate just for the sake of being celibate, does not work.  I mentioned to a friend that for 8 years, I lived a celibate life because I thought it was the proper thing to do since I became a Christian.  For a while, I was fine, but I think when it started to get to the point of my boasting of my own efforts of remaining celibate that I started to become weak.  I started looking at married men and lusting after them – not so much for the sex, but because I wanted to have that kind of man to father my future children.  I remember confiding in two co-workers and friends of my growing libido.  That was when they suggested that perhaps I should consider seeking help, especially since it was dominating my thoughts and mind. (We’ll talk about this story in a future blog.)

“Well, that’s you and that’s them. I’m sexually healthy.”

Just a side note, are you in the relationship that you want? That you dreamed of?

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Some suggestions;

  • If you pray to God to send you someone to love and one who loves you, please act like it.  Does God give second best? Does He match others when they are not at their best? And by “best,” I do not mean perfection, I mean your priorities are right, and you are living your life as though you are preparing your home (which is your heart) for a peaceful life – confronting or dealing with past hurts and baggage and any unforgiveness.
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  • If you pray to God, are you praying for God to send someone to you or are you praying over your future spouse. Before meeting Bob, I was in a toxic relationship that I knew in my heart was not for me.  Up until then, Bob was trying to get a membership to the gym I worked at (where we met), but there was always something preventing him from doing so including flat tire on the day he was coming, forgetting about coming over instead of usingi the one he was currently using, and him being presented with another deal from that gym he was using.  He said that the one I worked at had a particular machine that he liked that the other didn’t have so he knew he wasn’t going to stay where he was. It wasn’t until I listened to that tiny voice and broke off things with that relationship, that on Feb. 1, a couple of weeks later (making sure that my past relationship was good and out of my life, maybe?) that he was able to get membership to the gym where I worked. He had seen me first, and finally on the afternoon of February 14, was when he approached me – as a client.  (Of course, because he was a client, neither one of us ever knew or planned that we would be in holy union. Yet individually, we both were praying to Jesus and ready to find someone to love).  Once we dated, then were engaged, I literally felt as though I was being ushered by the hand spiritually, into Bob’s arms.
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  • Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.     If you’ve been following the Ravens’ Ray Rice happenings, you’ll know that a video of him being on the elevator with his, at the time fiancee, and he punched her square in the face, knocking her out.  She had since married him, and although in the recent pictures that have surfaced shows her either looking down, tight jawed, or just with a sullen expression, she tweeted that she will continue to stand by her husband,  (with him being suspended) and that this was her unconditional love, and to please respect her, her daughter’s, and husband privacy.  He had since reported that his wife a strong and supporting woman. Who knows but them, what happened behind closed doors throughout the span of their relationship?  I don’t and don’t pretend to know, however, it is so common to see couples where one is getting secretly abused, either verbally, physically, or emotionally, yet because of giving into sex pre-maturely, their hearts are bound and devoted to their abuser.  Just a question – is that love?  Is that the kind of love you are seeking?  Who is giving the unconditional love – her or her husband?
  • “So are you judging? I don’t want to judge anyone!”

Judging comes in two forms; 1.) condemning someone for some kind of act they committed and 2.) using proper filter and wisdom.  For example, if you knew that a pedophile lived in your neighborhood, would you allow your child to be alone with this person?  You don’t need to condemn to decide which is right and safe for your child and which is not.

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Other suggestions:

  • Community – are you seeking life outside your own head? In order to properly have a healthy relationship, the right people in your life will look you square in the eye and let you know of a aura, or an energy, around that person that, once you’re bitten with the pre-mature sex bug, will be difficult to see.
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  • Meditation –  Are you focusing and being thankful that your perfect-for-you person will meet you?
  • Enjoying Every Life –  Are you enjoying all that life has to give and offer?

It’s so common to be swept up in the whirlwind of having to have someone to fulfill our needs, and yet once in a relationship, we wonder where it went wrong. If you haven’t received what you deeply wanted so far, perhaps going deeper into your plan of action is necessary. After all, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?   From this blog, I hope to communicate that perhaps reviewing our actions with our words to truly get our heart’s desire will be both necessary and rewarding.

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Love, Peace, and Respect to you,

S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking  www.twoheartsoffline.com

(Coming Soon – our dating app, Two Ships, to meet QUALITY people.  Like us on Fb to be one of our beta testers! http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking)

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