Tag Archives: respect

If He Couldn’t Perform Sexually, I’d Have a Problem…

Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom
Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom

A client sought me out over the phone, for my matchmaking services.  She said she was ready to marry to find the one and had been too busy to get out there.

She is an upstanding, financially responsible, 50 year old woman seeking a mutually mature, financially responsible male. After our introduction, I explained that the next step is to take the questionnaire, which covers most topics of conflicts within a relationship and gets to the core values of the individual.

Everything she answered showed her to be a woman of high standards, and easily qualified her to attain a mutual solid relationship with a man of equal values and standards.

When the questions involving sexual activity expectations came about, her ‘truth’ in the answers revealed something about herself that she wasn’t aware of:

Question:  If he couldn’t perform sexually, I’d ________     Her answer: (have a problem with that.)

Question:  If I couldn’t perform sexually, I’d want him to ________  Her answer: (assist me and help overcome it)


Forget the fact that there are various issues, including medical or hormonal reasons, especially within that age bracket, where sexual activity is impacted to the point where patience and loving support is crucial. Those two questions actually cross over into other areas of the relationship and how a person deals with relationship issues.

There are so many singles (who do not want to be single – obviously I’m not referring to the happy and single individuals) who are entering the dating world with this, “the other person better be qualified, but when I falter, that person has to provide a safe place for me to be vulnerable.”

What would happen if we all had an attitude of providing a safe place to the other person?  In my experience, it is, by nature, impossible, because we naturally are ingrained to self-preserve, through selfishness.


In my experience, and many, upon many successful individuals in mutually loving and solid relationships, there is usually a foundation from which that stems.  Those individuals that are able to respect the God within another person, project a respect that finds another, the right one for that individual, to become couples that respect and provide a safe place for each other to be vulnerable.

01de361acf0214a3edb945b50b1715c5 choosing-a-spouse

For example, a couple of nights ago, I dreamt I was out on a date (still married) with an (unknown to me) man who was not my husband, but who was also married.  A the end of the date, I initiated a passionate kiss with this man to which although later he protested, he returned the kiss.  After that, I guess some time passed because the next thing I knew I was in front husband, who bent down to kiss me.  I looked over is shoulder and saw the other guy make a grimaced face and motioned to me to I should have washed my mouth before kissing him.

When I woke up, I texted my husband I loved him and apologized.  Let me explain.

I woke up that morning to help him out by making sandwiches for him for work. However, when I looked around the kitchen, I just instantly got ticked at the ‘mess.’  I was raised where chores were done at night, and I expected him to do his ‘share.’  Nevermind the fact, the man, even as I write this post, is working his seventh day at a laborious job.  Nevermind the fact that he wakes at 4:30/5am, gets home @ 4/5:30pm and I need him to watch our almost three year-old because I have to go to a meeting, audition, have computer time, etc.  Fill in the blank.  Whatever you choose, I neglected to provide a safe place for him to feel comfortable to relax, refresh, be vulnerable, whatever.

I took the dream as a warning that to get my needs met, if I don’t watch my attitude, I will cheat and deceive my husband – not necessarily involving another person, but definitely in a way that does NOT support the vows I made to him before God.

Anyway, I shared the dream with him.  I didn’t even get a chance to share all that, but you know what he did when he heard it?  He smiled and held me.  He joked and said, “let me know when you see him so I can punch his lights out.”  I told him, “But I did the initiating.”  He said, “So what? I’ll have to punch someone!”  and then we laughed.  He made it safe for me share that, and later when I was able to tell him what I thought the Holy Spirit was warning me, I emphasized to him that I wanted him to feel safe.


I only know that from my own personal relationship to Jesus and what true intimacy is really about.

Friends, unless you can provide that or be that for someone, you’ll always find that you’ll have a problem.


Happy Dating with Love and the REAL PEACE,

Arikah, Relationship Coach and Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Want to take the questionnaire to find your own match?  Need consultation to find out what could be holding you back from finding your love?  It’s easy, confidential, and affordable and in your area. Email us at two.hearts2share@gmail.com.

Follow our Comedy Love Support Youtube channel here

When Marriage Became More Than Paper to Me – Part 1


The fairy tales that ended with “and they lived happily ever after,” represented some sort of cruel, sick joke to me once I reached my late teenage years.  All around me, and I mean in the tabloids and media, I was seeing people getting divorced for reasons varying from “falling out of love,” financial gain/loss, just not in agreement, and finally infidelity, that I truly didn’t see the point of why two people would even want to commit themselves to each other.

I saw it as a way to further muffle the woman’s voice, who was supposed to be helpless, unassuming, and a domestic demi-goddess to be able to look good and handle the household without complaining.  And since there were always several kids in this kind of family, she was always ready to have sex because she wanted more and more kids. If she was called “self-sacrificing,” that meant she was a martyr that was everything to everyone, whenever and however they needed her.


I saw it this way until I wanted a relationship.

In the deep abyss of my mind, I, at least, knew the concept of marriage meant a vow to be with the other person for rest of each other’s lives;  to have each other’s backs, and as much as I opposed marriage, I wanted someone to want to vow to be with me for the rest our lives.

As crazy and as wild as my life was, one thing stood true – as I kept chasing after unconditional love in all the wrong places and the wrong people, I really didn’t know how to give the kind of love I wanted, because I didn’t know how to receive it.

forgiveness (1)

I don’t mean this in other people, because yes, there were some wrong choices there, but there were also some great people out there who cared deeply for me. (That didn’t mean they were “the one”).

In fact, I remember qualifying candidates as “the one” because we got along great and they seemed nice, but until I realized me own pattern, within 3 months, we hit turmoil and usually quickly it was over.


No, when I say I didn’t know how to receive it, I mean, in a Higher Power kind of way.  (Now before I lose you, let me explain!)

I knew there existed a Higher Power who ‘loved’ me, but in this world, I felt I had to fend for myself.  I had to make a way for myself, provide for myself (even when I was sleeping in my car and eating mayo/sprouts sandwiches), and I definitely had to figure out who can love and accept me with all my imperfections, and many a night I spent in the arms of a new lover trying to find it.  However, I was still quietly suffering from bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. I was raped several times.  I compromised my own dignity in order to have a relationship, more than once. And although I wanted this ‘imaginary perfect person,’ my own measuring stick of qualifying candidates ranged from making excuses for them (saying things like, ‘who am I to judge?’) to they better love me, warts and all – but be easy for me to love.


Somewhere in there, in my search, I bypassed all the people who were telling me what I should do and I decided to delve further into my knowledge of God – mind you though, that was by happenstance because really I had just prayed, “Ok, God, I have nothing to show for my life, so you can take it now!” (which, by the way means something totally and wonderfully different to God, I believe!) Without meaning to, after being graced with “cords of human kindness,” who wanted to help me without return of favor but out of sheer joy and even protected my dignity, who extended help without my having to perform or just be “on,” but because it was it was on their hearts, really, it was too much for me during this humbling time.  I even prayed that God stop it because I didn’t know how to handle “so much love,” I prayed.  These were people who first showed a love that was one of respect and integrity.  The romantic love had to be on hold during this time, because honestly, I was a mess and still didn’t understand or recognize a love that meant respect for another being in a selfless way. More than that, I didn’t know why anyone would want to do things for the sheer joy of helping someone else.  I was still doing things for others because 1.) It made me feel good in a way where I was a good person to help someone else, meaning that eventually, I would be thanked or recognized in some way – if even cosmically; 2.) I felt I had to and with everyone being a part of a charity, not only could I get a tax break, but be called a philanthropist and 3.) somewhere in me I felt I should do it.  But more times than not, I never intentionally went out of my way to help or love others. And once I became a Christian, Heaven help those that didn’t ‘agree’ with my understanding of God. Regardless, I had enough problems of my own, and didn’t want to involve myself with others – yet, I still wanted a relationship.

th (89)

So, in reflecting how marriage became more to me, I believe it came somewhat in this order:

1.) I had to understand the type of Love I wanted – even more than that, the Source, and who really set the standard of the type of Love I yearned for;

2.) I had to demonstrate that love in a way where I did not expect to have it reciprocal, but because I was willing to do so for the sheer joy of it;

3.) I had to learn about boundaries – mine and others, and learn how to respect those.

4.) I had to be open to the concept of forever be forgiving of others and take responsibility without feeling shame when I asked for forgiveness

5.) I studied again the dictionary definition of the word ‘love’ and what the biblical standard of ‘Love’ if, and than set out to see if I could see it demonstrated on a consistent basis between two people who professed their love for each other.

Let me just add, I DID see it! I saw so many husbands loving their wives, while still being ‘men,’ and fathers to their children. I saw their wives stand majestically beside them, respecting them and encouraging them.  I saw it over and over again. I saw how when they were apart from each other, that wasn’t their time to rip apart their spouse and complain of their spouse’s shortcomings. I saw the mutual respect they had for each other to strengthen each other.  I saw them show respect for the vows they made to each other and before God. I witnessed them growing together in their walks with God to impact and encourage others.  Their children were polite and loving.  Trust me, for a moment I thought I was in a bizarro world, but it was right there in Los Angeles – of all places, and then again in Franklin, Tennessee.  Only because I saw it over and again did I believe it was achievable. So I made up my mind that I was going to have that.

(to be continued) – Forcing My Dreams of Marriage to Match My Vision – Part 2

Hugs, Peace, and truly love,

Arikah, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking (www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking)


Can you relate to this apology video?

The dating app and interactive comedy sitcom, based on a true story – (mine and Bob’s) where you choose the adventures the couple must make, Is coming up and we need your participation! Like and get notifications on our Facebook page  and follow our Youtube channel, Love Support (to see an online dating submission video!).

To see the show previews, click here.

Elephant in the Room? (aka, Interracial Dating) Pt. 2



My previous blog left you wondering what happened … with the various scenarios. So far, we’ve discussed having a healthy spiritual relationship. Again, the question is what DO you believe? What are you going to hang onto during the trying times?

Once this is set into place:

           2.) Courage comes easily.  Courage doesn’t have to mean a loud confrontation.  Some of the most impactful displays of courage happens when a simple, yet firm statement is made to loved ones.  There is no room for arguing because you will not allow it. This is not a West Side Story generation – or, one from the 60s and before, where couples had to hide  – in fear for their lives.  (Yes, I know there are special cases.) But this is one where each can quietly have confidence that they are making the right decision for their own lives.

from back in the 60's
from back in the 60’s

      th (87)

With my mother in-law, we had to share with her firmly, but with love. And when she went against what we requested of her, my husband, without hesitation, told her that because she could not respect his wife, especially in our home, she was no longer welcomed to stay in it.  They still speak and she still tells him to give her love to me and and our daughter. But I think she respected him more just for holding his ground. I already knew he was like this, and times like this only gained my respect for him more.

Although I am often asked if my parents were accepting of his race, they were.  My mother only had a problem with his age – even though I was 37 at the time.


th (69) 


th (97)

th (100) 

 th (71) 

th (92)


Often, I hear of white mothers speaking candidly amongst each other:

“I don’t want my child to date a black person. Does that make me racist?”

I say, no need to worry. Whoever your child does decide to date, half of them probably won’t be…


But finally, interracial dating isn’t a novelty.  It is one where, again, respect, of self and the other will take you both on a wonderful journey together.

If you are in an interracial relationship and the other person has kept you hidden for sometime, it is safe suggest that there be a cooling off period until maturity and courage has been reached. The little pain felt now pales in comparison after vows and children are involved.

 No, your chosen spouse will proudly stand by you and love YOU.  

             Love your extra weight

             Love your contagious boisterous laugh

             Love your natural hair, even help you maintain it.

             Love your fair skin that easily burn in the sun

             Love your cooking that is filled with curry.

             Love your freckles and red hair

             Love your thin nose; your big nose; your tiny nose

And will gladly stand beside you in this life and will look for you in the next.

Stay strong, keep your inner eye and ear open, and keep smiling!


Next blog – He lived as an active homo-sexual and now is happily married to the woman of his dreams.  Is he for real? As I am inexperienced in these matters, the nature of the next story is one which deals to today’s issues. With respect to each reader, this will be his story to openly share. Hope to hear from you.  Please share with friends!


Love, Peace, and Respect to you,



Shakira “Arikah Nash” Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking


The “New” (Damaging) Respect Pt. 2



                 Okay, perhaps that image is a bit too strong, unladylike.  For those of you are following and reading so far, you know that I am huge into visuals to get the point across. Perhaps the image below is more fitting:

th (76)


Somewhere in the movement of appreciating and respecting oneself, and building our own esteem, I believe we went a bit too far and started to go the other extreme and became “entitled.”

It’s easy for me to say the obvious, that it starts somewhere back during childhood, but here’s a hard lesson I had to learn when I ran from home (I was living on my own, but still had the heavy influence of my family that was stifling.) Once I became of age, regardless of the abuse I experienced at times, or the abandonment I felt from my dad; regardless of the feelings of being the black sheep, I had to take responsibility for my own actions.  That became more real for me once I left home. Society didn’t respond as ‘kindly’ to someone who lied or didn’t pay bills or who didn’t practice a sense of virtue.

So in my quest for ‘freedom’ and discovery, I was actually trying to find my sense of worth.  I tried finding it working in strips bars, dressing scantily and drinking – which resulted in waking up other states, staring at the scratched back of the mysterious men lying next to me.  I thought I’d go into the entertainment industry, which as naive as I was, I watched other starlets rise to fame compromising their dignity – just to be liked, adored and considered beautiful and worth talking about.  I just couldn’t bring myself to doing that though.  Many times, as I’d see singers or actresses I knew getting publicity, I’d kick myself for not, at least, shutting my eyes and delving into the cushions of the ‘casting couch.’ Imagine my surprise when I came to Nashville.  I discovered that unless someone reputable knew me, it was the same here. (That wasn’t what Martina ever sang about!) 

By this time, though, I became a believer in Jesus.  Back then, however, I had my own set of ‘nude photos’, (but thankfully BEFORE social media, and who cares now, anyway?), I was tired of dressing like back in the bar days just to be ‘noticed’ (aka : today’s “respect”).  And while I took my own set of pictures, that would be considered modest today, I was noticing that it was borderline my trying to be noticed.  However, you must go through intentional strains to avoid seeing provocative selfies and any mention of nude celebrities photos.

 Self – respect vs. narcissism 

 Men, you are no different. If you have taken selfies of your body in hopes to gain sexually charged ‘compliments,’ perhaps maybe you also are experiencing a sense of low self-esteem?


th (67)


This attempt to gain self-respect by ‘self-love,’  feeds into the entitlement mindset. Wouldn’t you agree, the person acts as though others must please he or her and do what they can make the person happy?  Would you say that maybe with all the visuals of women and showing their goods, which should be respected enough for the chosen partner to only see, could be one place where that seed of self is fertilized? Do you see how it can be difficult to respect another while we are busy checking off lists of how the other person should be loving us?

th (72)


I am reminded of a  35 year-old client I had, who I had to turn down, that wanted me to help her find a boyfriend which would result in a marriage. Although she was a wonderful, talented, and sincere woman, she believed that she was difficult to match because of how high her standards of what she was looking for was set.  However after more research and asking her questions, the real reason came out. 

Client: “I want a musician, or a guy that is artistic. And he has to love the Lord.”

Me: “Ok, I did a bit of searching for you. Are you open a guy that perhaps is artistic but is a businessman or entrepreneur? “

Client: “No! He has to be a musician or someone artistic. He has to be able to get me because I’m creative. And he has to have a thin or athletic frame.”

Me: “Ok, well, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Client: “Hmm, I’ve never been asked that before.  I think that I want to be able to do my paintings. Yes, in 5 years, I want to be married so that I can stay home and do my paintings.”

Me: “Are you doing paintings now?”

Client: “Well no, I work full time graveyard shift hours.  But once I’m married, I can stay home, and do it.”

Me: ” You do realize that most musicians are broke, right?”

Client: “Well, I’ll work part-time hours if we need money.”

Me: “Well, how are your finances? Do you have savings to be able to so this?”

Client: “Well I can’t afford to save right now.”


th (64)

My point in sharing this is that she truly was unaware that in her searching, her standards were set where when she did go out on dates, she was quickly (either mentally or verbally) critiquing them. She allowed many past hurts to rule over her judgement of finding a compatible partner. These men didn’t stand a chance.

th (54)

Another male client told me that all the women who he asked out, or surrounded him, really wanted “bad boys,” so he deduced that the only way he was going to even have a girlfriend was if he acted like a jerk.  No amount of urging to just remain himself would convince him otherwise, and so he often dealt with bouts of depression and eating binges.

th (69)




Are you seeing the connection?


What do we have blaring loudly in our faces now? 

th (92)

th (96)

th (71)

th (55)

I am a TRUE believer, however, of the sanctity of marriage – now. I didn’t before, falling for the seduction that it was a mere paper that meant nothing.  By the time I reached 28, I truly wanted to believe marriages could work and be loving, so I set out to study successful marriages, in my church, the celebrities, locals, and in the news. And once again, I was shocked, well, actually pleasantly surprised to see many, many displays of mutual respect and love, and complete unity with the married couples.  I witnessed the wife respect her husband in the little nuances she did, mentioning that before taking on any major decision, she wanted to talk it over with her husband.  I saw the husband excuse himself from situations, or making sure he was never alone with a woman, where any tiny sexual foothold could capture him, regardless of how ‘innocent’ his interactions with her seemed.  I was beginning to see respect played out because of the love they both had for each other. 

This was something that gave me hope. It IS possible.


However, like the quote in the movie, Fireproof,

“You can’t give what you don’t have.”  If you don’t know what true sacrificial, selfless love is suppose to look like or feel like to receive, you definitely won’t know what it entails to give to another. And so continues the cycle of dysfunction, sadness, and heartache.

th (89)    th (86)

th (83)              th (85)

th (81)

It took me YEARS after I decided to give my life to Jesus to even begin to understand His love.  All I could understand was what was playing out in front of me. What He did years ago,  was too much for me to bare, and I was always humbled to tears at the charitable acts of kindness shown to me from others.  And it was without my having to perform.  The more I focused on my gratitude towards Jesus and not only giving me salvation (which again, I didn’t fully grasp), I was reminded that, in everyday human terms, women had been killed for less, for the situations I had put myself into on my ‘freedom’ journey. As I plugged away at many recovery groups, therapy and counseling hours, I now grasp – a handful portion, of the Love that is given to me from My Heavenly Father, and chose to believe that my perfect-for-me husband was waiting for me.


And from THAT, I am able to gauge my display of respect and love towards my husband.  Am I being kind to him? Am I forgiving him quickly? Am I asking for forgiveness when I make mistakes? Do I spend time and respect him or is our toddler daughter holding precedence over him?  

Here’s one:

When I see something on the internet or interact with someone in person that may arouse me, do I go in as nothing happened and make love to him?  Respect runs DEEP, and is more than a song that is spelled out at karaoke bars.

And so, 

This is my plight; to assist and encourage others that perhaps their personal definitions of love, respect, husband, and wife, should be studied, meditated, and perhaps corrected before imposing a relationship with another. 


Love, Peace, and Respect to you all,

S. Arikah Baly-Jensen, Founder Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking






th (79)








How the New “Respect” Damages Relationships Before They Ever Start Pt. 1

th (93)


I spoke to a friend earlier today who was explaining that his wife of 8 years just told him that for three of those years, she had been secretly hating him for not contributing more to the household duties.  He explained that he worked a 14 hour job that would allow him to retire early and she worked a 9 – 5 job, then would pick up their two very young children from daycare, and tend to them for the rest of the evening.  He went on to explain that she would spend countless hours on Facebook and eventually found a video that explained, from a woman’s point of view, the stages of marriages, and how wives are burdened with stress and pressure and that it was the husband’s responsibility to do everything he could to make her happy.

th (97)


While my husband and I were going through pre-marital counseling, we were given two very important questions to answer that I believe, are truly shaped and developed deep into our subconscious while we are single:  

                       What is the role of the husband?  

                        What is the role of wife?


I’d like to ask for you, if you are single, to answer those questions for yourself.  How you answer and what you allow to feed, support, or nurture your answers will determine your success in your building the foundation for a solid relationship.  To take that into an even deeper level, how you define love is the key that unlocks the gate to where it starts. 


So, let’s start from there. And bare with me, following this train of thought.

How do you define love? 

An awesome sister friend of mine explained that she loved me unconditionally.  She explained that she is always supportive of me and simply loves me no matter what.  

That sounds great right?

But I thought of the word, “unconditionally.”  So I asked, “Do you love others unconditionally?”  

“Of course not,” she explained. 

So I asked her how she defined love, and again she explained the support and bond she and I have.  Then she asked me, “Isn’t that how you define it?”

“No,” I said. “I believe that it is humanly impossible to love ‘a person’ unconditionally – at all times. A person either loves everyone – which is the state of being unconditional love, or they love conditionally, which involves – maybe not always, but becomes self-serving in some way, at some time. It is a choice to consistently be self-sacrificial – not in a ‘look-at-me-doing-this-for-you-martyr kind of way, but to always keep our emotions in check, regardless if the person is acting the way we want him or her to act.  We went back and forth a few times on that and amicably decided that we would just simply agree to disagree.

But really, our difference in opinion began with what we were using to define love.  

You can define it as a feeling, a strong emotional bond within a relationship.  You know, ‘philos’ – brotherly love, ‘eros‘ – passionate desire, and ‘agape‘ – sacrificial love.   

th (21)  



th (36)

th (43)

th (38)


images (76)

images (74)

images (72)

th (37)

th (41)

th (39)

th (40)

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevere. Love never fails. The greatest of faith, hope, and love, is love.”


I challenge anyone to say that at all times, they are this – in any relationship. My friend is wonderful – I do not argue that, and I do ‘feel’ love from her as she listens to my dreams, goals, and fears.  However, I can recall times she was not patient with me, she lost her temper many times, and reminded me of the wrong I have done in the past. 

No, I believe the above passage demonstrates the choices we have to strive towards with all our relationships, ranging from the annoying slow/fast, and poor driver to rude children, to our future spouse.

One way to test the levels of your love gauge;  how are you when you drive?  Do you ever wish ill will on the poor driver? Do you gossip about others? Do you usually go out on the prowl in search for those who will submit to whatever you say? Do you listen more than you explain? Do you retaliate when someone crosses you?  THIS is where the ‘unconditional’ comes in. This is where the choices to forgive, be patient and kind, or refrain from fueling the fires of drama start. How you are in these situations will pretty much determine if when you love, you do so based on that person’s performance. We can always grow from conditional to unconditional, but again, this is a conscious effort that must be put into practice.

Now, all too often, in my studying of countless couples’, many of the ones that start from a ‘feeling,’ usually always end up in divorce.  Does this scenario sound familiar?

Jane and Billy have two children and have been married for about 9 years. One day, early in their marriage, Jane, as she was leaving to hang with the girls, she asked Billy to take out the trash – yet it was during football season. Billy told Jane he would and really meant to, but forgot with the excitement and distraction of watching the game with his buddies. When Jane came home, the trash was still not emptied. Billy honestly forgot and said he would, however he did not do it as quickly as she wanted so, audibly angry, Jane picks up the trash and take it out herself, mentioning why does she even bother asking him.  After hearing Jane complain about the chores, Billy only hears nagging. Now, when company comes to visit, Jane tells her guests she has three children.  He does whatever he can to avoid coming home, she builds resentment and disrespect towards him. He neglects her and doesn’t understand why she won’t stop the nagging. Both begin looking for love elsewhere, he online; she, when she’s out with the girls.


th (100)



What happened?  

Sure it is easy to pick apart the scenario and analyze it, action by action.  However, the breakdown started before they ever entered marriage.

In your singleness – if your plight is to change that, I encourage you to take the time to define love. With it, you’ll be able clearly and soberly, define respect.

th (48)


Respect Starts with You.


th (46)

“Because we have none.”

th (44)

Wouldn’t you agree?

In the next blog, my own story on how I learned to respect myself during singlehood, and how I had to set the standard for my future husband, based on the respect I decided to give…


Want to share your own story? I’d love to hear from you! Let me know if I can share and answer in upcoming blogs.