There was a post on Facebook from one of my friends that stated, “Your ‘type’ may be the reason you aren’t with your soulmate.” While many of the comments agreed, one pointed out that going outside your race as a reason. Hmm?
After being matched for the “chemical attraction/first meeting,” I arranged for two people whose questionnaire showed that they valued the same things and held the similar temperament, both agreed that they thoroughly enjoyed themselves. He continued by saying that he was attracted to her and really enjoyed himself. She mentioned that she had a great time and enjoyed the meeting, “however.”
“However, what?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t know how you determine chemical attraction but I wasn’t,” she said.
In my experience, I have heard more women – married women who are deeply in love with their husbands, start by saying that at first, they were not attracted to the man who would later become their husbands. They all admit that although they would snub these men, there was something about them that they could see that God was definitely working on their hearts and what they needed, instead of what they wanted, and after the consistency, the stable-mindedness, and decisiveness of their suitors, they were in love and ready to devote their lives in matrimony.
For my male clients, I help them in the process of letting go of the women who they personally pursued and still cannot let go. When I ask them to tell me a quality of these women that they believe is marriage-worthy, they stutter and stammer.
My point in addressing the male’s situation, the female’s version of no chemical attraction, and the erroneous picture above is that I truly believe there is a mix up of people’s idea looking for dates and seeking marriage-worthy individuals.
One of the ways I match couples, is to give an extensive and in-depth questionnaire to truly understand what it is the person is looking for. What they don’t know is that on the other side, there is a match for them. I don’t tell them anything about the other person because I do not want the intention of the answers to change. It’s important to screen the health and mindset of the person to be sure they are ready to begin a mutually loving relationship. The individuals never see the pictures of the other person until the meeting, (but is sometimes within the boundaries of the what the individual is open to.) So, the individual based on the answers they give, will never know that if their potential is within reach.
Am I keeping them from meeting? You better believe it, in regards to my business, as I seek to match healthy-minded people with others; but I am not preventing them from meeting. My mindset is if it is meant to be, they will find each other. It’s just sad when you can actually witness that it will take time for the person to evolve to place where they can give and receive a respectful, loving relationship. I can’t stress enough, though, once it’s found, there is no other mutual devotion on earth, stronger and appreciated.
What I’m saying is that looking for marriage minded individuals is much different than simply looking for attractive people who can hold a conversation.
Today’s singles are collectively saying that they are single by choice, but that their “type” doesn’t exist – which means they’re looking. They’re saying that their career comes first, however, says in the same breath that they wish even options or other perspectives, can talk to them. And soon their pickiness becomes either bitterness or wishy-washiness. And for those who are wanting at marriage for another chance, many times, they haven’t learned the important signals that happen beforehand that create turmoil in their relationship, and so, the cycle begins again – Heaven forbid children are now involved.
It reminds me of a middle school dance, that awkward event (probably not so much today’s middle schooler, but you know what I mean) where although hormones are racing, no one has confidence to go up and ask out someone for the dance – or, is able to be open enough to be approachable to be asked. For the dance, mind you.
I don’t know how else to illustrate that your “type” is there, I promise. However, if your old methods for finding dates are not working for you, is it that you’re using the wrong methods? Are you using a superficial checklist that doesn’t even cover questions that prove the person would be loyal to you or has the ability to see you value the same thing? Is it just based on looks, conversation, job status, or children status?
Please note, when you are ready to find a spouse, your filter MUST be specific – but in the right ways. It is not based on whether his Bible (which he probably got from his grandma) is highlighted. It’s not based on if she shares the same political views. It’s not based on definition of his pectoral muscles or whether or not he has facial hair. It’s not based on whether she has a few extra pounds.
The ONE thing singles miss in their search, in the opinion of this professional dating coach and matchmaker, is the level of integrity they can honestly say they have seen consistently enough to even have a person qualified. Integrity is what makes the beauty/handsome. And that is something that is not shown in just words. It’s not something that is can be determined after a few encounters. That takes time. Time, where neither party is manipulating the outcome, but is respectful, direct, and decisive.
So many, though, do not even know what integrity means. Integrity is one where a person does what they say they’re going to do. They respect themselves in a way that spills out for respect for others. The person doesn’t call out on an appointment, or work, even (there’s a lot of that going on in the workforce) at the last minute because they don’t feel like coming in. The person doesn’t make promises and breaks them. They respect themselves enough to not get in the situation if they think they can’t do it. They help others without seeking to please others, or say the popular thing they think others want to hear. They believe in loyalty and walk in that. They vibrate on a completely different level – where it seems as though they are eccentric, but it’s only because they are surrounded by people who act entitled;, wanting the same things in a loving relationship, yet believe the other person must come in perfect to fit some unrealistic mold they’ve crafted that goes to serve them and their egos.
So then, I ask you, do you still think you’re type isn’t there?
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Even for the shy.
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