Recently, I’ve been helping match a male client out in Oshkosh, WI – which hasn’t been easy especially since more and more eligible women who make known they are looking, say they don’t want anything serious (especially since some are already married), but they are advertising themselves to be a ‘friend with benefits.’
Help me out, What’s the benefit, here?
- Sex, where money isn’t directly exchanging hands
- Companionship, where the money may not exchange hands, but better make many, many appearances.
- Secrecy (out of guilt or shame if exposed)
- More of a risk (in ways) because the person can’t commit
- They’re advertising, for crying out loud
- Perhaps addiction is prevalent? (sexual or relationship)
And why were people scared, appalled, and even suicidal when the Ashley Madison site was hacked? What’s the difference? Weren’t they a ‘friend with <the above listed> benefit?’
But why are the sayings, ‘there aren’t any good (men/women) out there to love,’ and ‘Love is meaningless’ a surprise? Why do these same people want someone who is kind, patient (with them), loyal, self-controlled in many areas, and ‘non-judgemental’ (towards their actions)?
These are truths that only the individual can answer, but I wanted to look a bit further about the ‘Friends with Benefit,’ scenario.
- As exciting as the sex is the first two and half months, by the third month, you will want one of two things;
- more of a relationship and not a be a booty call – (but the other ‘friend’ won’t,) or
- To End it
- The person will be unavailable or just not able to love you the way you feel loved, when you really want to give more of yourself intimately with someone you trust.
- The Trust Factor will be tested
- You assume that the person would be careful to not catch an STD, since you’re not the only ‘friend’ having ‘benefits’ with the person
- You assume the person would at least tell you BEFORE you ever have sex (and be honest with you) that they don’t have an STD
- You assume this ‘friend’ wouldn’t selfishly sleep with you when they knowingly have an STD.
- The friend wouldn’t be available when you want him/her because they’re out ‘not being tied down to you or any relationship, but making new ‘friends.’
- More expectations will be demanded of you, or the ‘friend’ that neither are able or willing to reach
- The hope of finding something more worthwhile with someone is slowly being chipped away.
Wow..Now what’s the difference in benefits between this and just paying for prostitutes?
Even though the future also sees more people moving towards simulated/robotic ‘friends,’ I can assure you, when a person starts being a person that they would want to share their forever with, their eyes will be opened in the sense of not wasting time with those who offer ‘benefits,’ because they will have the real thing.
“The full loathes honey, but to the poor, even what is bitter tastes sweet.“
A counselor I went to one time told me this old proverb. After seeing the puzzled look on my face, he further explained:
“Those who were filled up with love when they were children and given a sense of who they are, don’t need the sweet talking words of someone will come along and ‘charm them.’ But those who lacked this and was always yearning to fill that void, if they walk past a construction site and get whistled, that fulfills some inner void of acceptance within them that wasn’t filled.”
Yep, I was offended, because I was ‘the poor.’
But the only way I could change that was to start with my truth (I wanted love and was willing to accept anything just to feel loveable) so I could get to the truth (Because I have a God who loves me more than I can imagine, I deserve more than the insecure, non-commitment losers who only wanted to have sex with me and nothing more. He showed me I was worth dying for, and the plans laid out for my life are to prosper me and give me a hope and future.)
And while it’s easy to say, ‘whatever works for you,’ believe me, I’ll take the comfort of knowing that my FRIEND stands by his vow to love in sickness, health, and in good days, and days when my deep ugly inside show. And that I can kiss on the mouth without hesitation, and have cuddle moments, and have our times when we just say, “You know, I’m so proud/grateful of/for all you do. I love you so much!”
I invite you to reconsider, just food for thought, that a FWB is really a SWD (sucka with drama).
Why don’t you contact us here to help you find your one? Each applicant is regarded with respect on a case by case basis. Feel free to share on Facebook to those you think this can help – according to the recent bug, I get lots of views, but even more is better! 😉
For your Peace of Mind,
Your Relationship Coach