Tag Archives: depression

When Marriage Became More Than Paper to Me – Part 1

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The fairy tales that ended with “and they lived happily ever after,” represented some sort of cruel, sick joke to me once I reached my late teenage years.  All around me, and I mean in the tabloids and media, I was seeing people getting divorced for reasons varying from “falling out of love,” financial gain/loss, just not in agreement, and finally infidelity, that I truly didn’t see the point of why two people would even want to commit themselves to each other.

I saw it as a way to further muffle the woman’s voice, who was supposed to be helpless, unassuming, and a domestic demi-goddess to be able to look good and handle the household without complaining.  And since there were always several kids in this kind of family, she was always ready to have sex because she wanted more and more kids. If she was called “self-sacrificing,” that meant she was a martyr that was everything to everyone, whenever and however they needed her.

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I saw it this way until I wanted a relationship.

In the deep abyss of my mind, I, at least, knew the concept of marriage meant a vow to be with the other person for rest of each other’s lives;  to have each other’s backs, and as much as I opposed marriage, I wanted someone to want to vow to be with me for the rest our lives.

As crazy and as wild as my life was, one thing stood true – as I kept chasing after unconditional love in all the wrong places and the wrong people, I really didn’t know how to give the kind of love I wanted, because I didn’t know how to receive it.

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I don’t mean this in other people, because yes, there were some wrong choices there, but there were also some great people out there who cared deeply for me. (That didn’t mean they were “the one”).

In fact, I remember qualifying candidates as “the one” because we got along great and they seemed nice, but until I realized me own pattern, within 3 months, we hit turmoil and usually quickly it was over.

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No, when I say I didn’t know how to receive it, I mean, in a Higher Power kind of way.  (Now before I lose you, let me explain!)

I knew there existed a Higher Power who ‘loved’ me, but in this world, I felt I had to fend for myself.  I had to make a way for myself, provide for myself (even when I was sleeping in my car and eating mayo/sprouts sandwiches), and I definitely had to figure out who can love and accept me with all my imperfections, and many a night I spent in the arms of a new lover trying to find it.  However, I was still quietly suffering from bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. I was raped several times.  I compromised my own dignity in order to have a relationship, more than once. And although I wanted this ‘imaginary perfect person,’ my own measuring stick of qualifying candidates ranged from making excuses for them (saying things like, ‘who am I to judge?’) to they better love me, warts and all – but be easy for me to love.

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Somewhere in there, in my search, I bypassed all the people who were telling me what I should do and I decided to delve further into my knowledge of God – mind you though, that was by happenstance because really I had just prayed, “Ok, God, I have nothing to show for my life, so you can take it now!” (which, by the way means something totally and wonderfully different to God, I believe!) Without meaning to, after being graced with “cords of human kindness,” who wanted to help me without return of favor but out of sheer joy and even protected my dignity, who extended help without my having to perform or just be “on,” but because it was it was on their hearts, really, it was too much for me during this humbling time.  I even prayed that God stop it because I didn’t know how to handle “so much love,” I prayed.  These were people who first showed a love that was one of respect and integrity.  The romantic love had to be on hold during this time, because honestly, I was a mess and still didn’t understand or recognize a love that meant respect for another being in a selfless way. More than that, I didn’t know why anyone would want to do things for the sheer joy of helping someone else.  I was still doing things for others because 1.) It made me feel good in a way where I was a good person to help someone else, meaning that eventually, I would be thanked or recognized in some way – if even cosmically; 2.) I felt I had to and with everyone being a part of a charity, not only could I get a tax break, but be called a philanthropist and 3.) somewhere in me I felt I should do it.  But more times than not, I never intentionally went out of my way to help or love others. And once I became a Christian, Heaven help those that didn’t ‘agree’ with my understanding of God. Regardless, I had enough problems of my own, and didn’t want to involve myself with others – yet, I still wanted a relationship.

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So, in reflecting how marriage became more to me, I believe it came somewhat in this order:

1.) I had to understand the type of Love I wanted – even more than that, the Source, and who really set the standard of the type of Love I yearned for;

2.) I had to demonstrate that love in a way where I did not expect to have it reciprocal, but because I was willing to do so for the sheer joy of it;

3.) I had to learn about boundaries – mine and others, and learn how to respect those.

4.) I had to be open to the concept of forever be forgiving of others and take responsibility without feeling shame when I asked for forgiveness

5.) I studied again the dictionary definition of the word ‘love’ and what the biblical standard of ‘Love’ if, and than set out to see if I could see it demonstrated on a consistent basis between two people who professed their love for each other.

Let me just add, I DID see it! I saw so many husbands loving their wives, while still being ‘men,’ and fathers to their children. I saw their wives stand majestically beside them, respecting them and encouraging them.  I saw it over and over again. I saw how when they were apart from each other, that wasn’t their time to rip apart their spouse and complain of their spouse’s shortcomings. I saw the mutual respect they had for each other to strengthen each other.  I saw them show respect for the vows they made to each other and before God. I witnessed them growing together in their walks with God to impact and encourage others.  Their children were polite and loving.  Trust me, for a moment I thought I was in a bizarro world, but it was right there in Los Angeles – of all places, and then again in Franklin, Tennessee.  Only because I saw it over and again did I believe it was achievable. So I made up my mind that I was going to have that.

(to be continued) – Forcing My Dreams of Marriage to Match My Vision – Part 2

Hugs, Peace, and truly love,

Arikah, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking (www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking)

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Can you relate to this apology video?

The dating app and interactive comedy sitcom, based on a true story – (mine and Bob’s) where you choose the adventures the couple must make, Is coming up and we need your participation! Like and get notifications on our Facebook page  and follow our Youtube channel, Love Support (to see an online dating submission video!).

To see the show previews, click here.

“I’m BAAAAACKK!” The Poltergeist You’re Holding Onto aka, the Ex

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Is your ex or your past attraction, haunting your thoughts with the hopes that they’ll come back?

Here’s some ways to get them back:

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  1. Channel ALL your thoughts on them during your waking moments and even in your dreams – provided that you get any sleep
  2. Allow their lack of contact or apathetic contact make you feel depressed.
  3. Get spiritual – prayer to make them come back you, séance, Ouija board, soothsayer, witchdoctors’ potions, any and everything you can think of
  4. Talk to all his/her friends, casually mentioning that you can’t go on without him/her – or that you’ve moved on, but wait for them to comment on how he/she really misses you.
  5. Look in the mirror and repeat that you are worthless and nothing without them.
  6. Fall into deep depression, with the hope that maybe they will telepathically pick up your feelings and knock on your door

It looks silly out on paper doesn’t it? If “experts” gave these tips for their clients, you’d definitely look for their credentials.  thCCJ0TT0B

But are you doing any of the above with the hopes that the person will “come to their senses” and come back to you?  Or maybe that someday they will realize what they missed when they were mistreating you or playing with your heart and that they will come back?

Here’s the question: would you really want them back? Would you want them to crawl back for the suffering they are putting you through?

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If your answer is anything other than move on, trust me, even if they do come back – it won’t work.  The only kind of change worth trusting comes from a DEEP Spiritual and personal relationship with Jesus, which allows inner growth, to understand that their views affect their actions towards themselves and with others – and that takes time – which is longer than 3 weeks.  Try 9 months to a full three years.  Any sooner will be like taking a cake out of the oven after putting it in the oven for 5 minutes.

Which brings me back to the question, what good is holding out for this person doing for you?

I recently suggested to one of my clients that he rid the number of the woman who clearly affected his emotions with her apathetic and/or lack of communication. The look on his face was equal if I told him he would receive a million dollar check if he were able to extract a live baby from his gut.  Even though this woman has given more than enough signals and flags that she is incapable of returning any type of affection to him, and that she could make or break his day with any form of attention she may or may not give, he made excuses as to why he needed to keep her number.  The root of matter was not that she had proven to him that she was a blessing and gift as a wife who could love him (which, his ultimate goal is to have a wife), he could only say that similar interests during deep conversation was the icing, but he was attracted to her, and (on a subconscious level) maybe she’d get that he is a great guy.

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My passion is that EVERYONE who claims Jesus as Lord (please know I am being inclusive to those who do not, but am specifically focusing on those who profess the goodness and power of God, but carry on as though He ignores their personal lives and hearts desires),

YOUR FAITH and CONFIDENCE in Him, will be MORE Successful than ANY attempts You may make on your own to reach your goal. Your willingness to say, “Lord, you guide my steps today and let me speak to those you want me to speak to, encourage those who need to hear from you, and guard and protect the chosen one you MAY have for me. And should my life not have someone at this time, allow me to be content in your will!”

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“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts

        to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good

        gifts to those who ask him!”  Matthew 7:11

        “Do you believe that I am able to this,” (said Jesus to the blind men who

        asked for healing)…According to your faith will it be done to you.”

Matthew 9: 28-29

By this, you won’t have to worry about saying the right thing to just anyone who may be single.  By doing this, You can actually go out on dates and just enjoy a date for a date.  By this, you can actually ask other singles out for a simple together and encourage others, without being on guard to act like marriage material, or qualifying others as marriage material.

By doing this, you will learn how to go out on dates – which, and this truth may hurt to read, but, you don’t know how to do.  You’ll be able to enjoy yourself.  (Hint, if you are hiding behind these statements, “there aren’t any good people out there;” “I’m just going to focus on _____, since I can’t find anyone to date (yet your not dating, is causing you to be melancholy” – then you haven’t learned how to have fun on dates and be in the moment. And we ALL experience wrong dating techniques!)

My suggestion to you is do it NOW – erase the person from your phone.  Keeping their number is not doing you any good and even when the person you were destined comes around, you won’t recognize them, because you have that back door person who can make or break your day.  Get rid of that poltergeist and make room for the new adventures.

Then, compliment NO LESS than 4 people a day, in various age ranges various genders, WITHOUT expectation that they need to respond. Just compliment and walk away.  You’ll pique MORE people’s interest this way, boost your esteem, and open the door to meet your chosen one.  If the day is almost over, get up, go to the store and make it happen.

You only have the Poltergeist to lose.

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Now, we have A LOT going on with Two Hearts Matchmaking, including an upcoming interactive sitcom, “A Chance for Love” with downloadable apps!  Make sure you follow the progress on our Facebook pages for the teaser promo! YOUR OPINION/VOTE COUNTS!

www.facebook.com/ArikahNASH  and www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking .  And just think, YOU are making it happen!!!

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When You’re All Prayed Out for Finding a Spouse

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Lisa* (name changed), a single woman in her mid- 40s, attends church regularly.  She knows and calls on God being her all.  She attends single’s events and women’s events, gets along well with her co-workers – even known in the office as the “one to ask when you need prayers.”   She’s been on several dates in the past that never worked out but had always prayed for a husband and children that came from her own womb to love and call her own.  She’d been walking the conservative life as a Christian for over 20 years and even though she knows things are in God’s timing, there is a tiny part in her that believes that she has to pray a certain way or learn a certain thing before God gives her the husband she’d been asking for.  All this is done while keeping her distance from being approached for fear of “falling” for the wrong guy or getting involved too quickly. A first time “coffee date” involves an interrogation for why he may not be the one or if he could be one – which she mistakenly and innocently disguises as conversation.

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Peter* (name changed), in his late 40s, has been out with many Christian women and tried many times, without realizing it, to be the guy that could fit each potential woman’s life in case she was “the one.”  He even was engaged a couple of times. He had been telling God repeatedly he was ready for a wife and believed that God answers prayers, but each time he would consider a woman to be even his girlfriend, the woman would usually end it.  He would hear, “You’re too much of a good guy, I guess part of me wants a bit of a bad boy.”  He then believed that the answer, slapping him in the face, was that 1.) he must become a jerk to even get a dating relationship because Christian women want that now, and 2.) God doesn’t answer prayers for a spouse.

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THE NUMBER ONE reason for romantic problems…

Who’s guiding you?

In my business, I come in contact with many people in all walks in life – believers and nonbelievers, and on a grand scale, I try to reach out to all and speak about something everyone wants – unconditional love, acceptance, and to be understood. The most surprising thing is that there are more Christians who truly struggle with the journey of receiving the desires of their heart, especially in regards to finding a spouse.  Many think it has to come in a formula prayer or life-point, while slowly building resentment, or depression and grief, or bitterness and even pride in their hearts towards God and give up on prayers being answered.  Many cry out in deep agony outwardly and internally to God but after months and years they begin to doubt. Pride, at this point, has taken its toll and either the person takes matters into their own hands to make things happen, saying they don’t need God to make things happen in their lives (think Sarah, Abraham’s wife when she was promised a son, and because it was taking too long, took matters into her own hands. A move that still affects today and why there is war in the Middle East) to swinging in the absolute opposite side of the pendulum and subconsciously hide, making it impossible to meet possible candidates (think Moses’ attitude in Exodus 4: 1-24)

I’ve been asked many times what qualifies me in this profession.  How would I know the relationships would last? How would I know the two were meant for each other?

While nothing in this world is guaranteed, there are no apologies for believers yielding humbling themselves to the actual need of the Power, Grace, and Direction of God.  The Proverbs are filled with the importance of wisdom and discernment and even gives important and life-altering information on how to find and keep a spouse.  Many times, it is very easy in the Christian world to intellectualize the need for Jesus’ Power, but our hearts do not believe.

But here is something I want to leave you with: when you are all prayed out, let it go and believe.  The hardest part about prayer is the actually believing that it is being answered.

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And if you don’t know His character perhaps that should be your focus, instead of trying in vain to improve yourself and judge others?

Why would God, who makes no apologies for being vehemently passionate about preserving the sanctity of the marital covenant, why would He be lackadaisical – impasse, even when it comes to ensuring strong marriages are created?  With our vows being committed to HIM, as God being the third cord and glue to bond and hold the marriage, why would He not answer prayers?

“You don’t get because you don’t ask God. When you do ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” – James 4:2-3.

This can be applied in all circumstances.

“…Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, you words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me because I was detained there with the king of Persia.” – Gabriel to Daniel, Daniel 10:12-13.

Let go and believe.

Humble yourself and active aligned yourself with your Maker so to be a part of His plan.

Repent of the pride that may be subtly building.  Ask God to search your heart and make clear to you any pride that may have taken root.  Ask others around you (the wise has many advisors) who can be honest with you what is apparent about your persona involving your singleness.  And allow a date to just be a date to be encouraged and to encourage another without qualifying the person as a spouse too soon.

I pray with you.  I pray for you.  Part of the matchmaking with my clients, is being an objective party both candidates can confide in and pray.  The goal of the company is NOT simply to matchmake for the sake of doing it, but to do it right, with setting God as the actually compass in connecting the pair.  Clients, if anything, learn about themselves, past choices and why they made the choices, which serve as a break in the walls that had been built up from repeated heartaches.

I want to hear from you.  Go to the facebook page to stay posted and encouraged. Apply for assistance in finding your love here. 

Love and peace,

S. Arikah Baly-Jensen, founder of Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Coming Home – Forgiveness Through the Mad Search of Finding Love

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“A certain man had two sons. The younger son said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the inheritance.’ Then the father divided his estate between them. Soon afterward, the younger son gathered everything together and took a trip to a land far away. There, he wasted his wealth through extravagant living, wild parties, drugs, and loose women. 
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“When he had used up his resources, a severe food shortage arose in that country and he began to be in need. He hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. He longed to eat his fill from what the pigs ate, but no one gave him anything. When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired hands have more than enough food, but I’m starving to death! I will get up and go to my father, and say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I no longer deserve to be called your son. Take me on as one of your hired hands.” ’ So he got up and went to his father.
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“While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was moved with compassion. His father ran to him, hugged him, and kissed him. Then his son said, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I no longer deserve to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quickly, bring out the best robe and put it on him! Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet! Fetch the fattened calf and slaughter it. We must celebrate with feasting because this son of mine was dead and has come back to life! He was lost and is found!’ And they began to celebrate.
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“Now his older son was in the field. Coming in from the field, he approached the house and heard music and dancing.  He called one of the servants and asked what was going on. The servant replied, ‘Your brother has arrived, and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he received his son back safe and sound.’ Then the older son was furious and didn’t want to enter in, but his father came out and begged him. He answered his father, ‘Look, I’ve served you all these years, and I never disobeyed your instruction. Yet you’ve never given me as much as a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours returned, after gobbling up your estate on prostitutes, you slaughtered the fattened calf for him.’
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 Then his father said, ‘Son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.  But we had to celebrate and be glad because this brother of yours was dead and is alive. He was lost and is found.’” – Jesus, Luke 15:11-32
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Secrets to Finding YOUR Chosen One.

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My last post was more of a secular nature speaking more to the mindset in finding THE one. Now I want to discuss the diminishing art of quieting our soul and spirit to allow ourselves to recognize our chosen one.

In our mad dash to beat our biological clocks and growing loneliness, it is all too easy to become so distracted and overwhelmed with the non-stop clammer in daily lives, that somehow in all that, we expect to magically find our perfect partner. But realistically, how can we? How can we recognize the difference between that “nice guy/girl” and our chosen life partner?

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I want to encourage everyone reading this post, if you’re single or in a relationship that’s going no where or one that just drains you, I encourage you to begin practice by turning off all media; i.e phones, tv, any social media, computers (start off with 10 minutes and maybe increase to 30 minutes)….

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and imagine yourself in a throne room.

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This isn’t just any throne room – it’s the Higher Power, God’s throne room,  who made you and knows your heartbeat. The One that knows your secret desires, failures, injustices, and accomplishments and loves you with an unchanging, faithful love.  Imagine being in the Presence and asking, “Who is my Love?”

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For those of you who don’t believe in God, I promise trying this exercise, or simply meditating with that question out there, will serve as equalling benefitting.

The point is allowing ourselves to find that answer without distraction and with intentional focus. That’s one where friends, family, media, horoscopes or professionals CAN’T answer for you.  And then answering the question who ever told you you would never find love?

But that’s just the first part.

The second and most important part is sitting patiently, waiting and listening for the answer.

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And knowing and believing that you will get the answer. This is usually the most difficult part because this takes time, and in world of “I wanted it yesterday,” we tend to find ourselves seeking out and settling for the wrong choice for us or doubtful that love will ever come our way, which usually leads to our losing our joy from the heart – despair. The hard lesson we must learn, among many other things, is that when our minds are calm and settled enough, we will receive the answer because now we have trained our inner ears to hear.  At this time, it is also wise to understand that perhaps your chosen one is still prepping for you!  I’ll say until I’m old and gray, if I had met my husband earlier than I did, not only would I not have recognized him to be the one I would devote myself to, but I wouldn’t have appreciated him like I do. Sometimes the waiting isn’t for you to be ready, but that your one is ready.

From there it is up to you to take the next step.

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Our next post will be “Training on Finding Love – ‘The Karate Kid’ Way.”

Love and Peace

Being a Rape Victim – Should I Share or Not?

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This has everything to do with dating and relationships.

Perhaps this explains my past self-diagnosis of manic depression or panic and anxiety attacks.  Perhaps really I had these unresolved issues haunting me that made it difficult to cope with life, much less relationships.

If you have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse, having piece of mind in the trusting and security can feel never reaching.  If you have been a victim of date rape, or not so much you dated the violator but instead was preyed upon by a predator, the anguish and doubt in ever being loveable, the lack of interest in being affection when you are dating someone, can lead you in a psychological tormented cycle.  And if you are being domestically abuse, the shame you can feel for thinking the fairy tale romance is lost, that if you just did things better, that you are the only person that can understand your love interest, or that you must put up with it to have the children be protected, can feel as though only death can be your best friend at this point.

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Not true, young boys and men can also fall prey to this.

Notice the above did not have any gender specific details.

I decided to write this in light of the recent scandal surrounding Bill Cosby and the celebrities stepping forward to reveal their personal accounts of rape, molestation, and domestic abuse. (And Hollywood’s own sick and perverse way they choose the stars – victims reaching to children, especially boys, included)

It made me think if I should share my own experience of when I was molested as a child by the young son of my mother’s best friend, or losing my virginity to rape, only to be raped again by a different person in a different scenario two years later, again by another in different scenario (college) two years later, then several times after that resulting in a total of 8 separate times in eight separate scenarios – with only the last one in the form of a dating relationship, 14 years ago.

The question came to my mind because as I was watching the news report on Teri Hatcher’s account, and seeing Joan Collins’ experience only a day earlier, I was wondering why I didn’t have the urge to share. I wanted to, really I did, and share my own tears, but the urgency to do so wasn’t beyond grieving with the people stepping forward, instead of my own experience.

I think it’s because my own cycle of healing was made complete. (This is the only thing I think of as the reason).

I’m not sure this was in any particular order, but I do know everything had to happen to move on.

  • I had to keep telling someone until I felt I was heard.   I remember when I called the police for a rape attempt by a neighbor I knew when I was living in AZ. by this time, I had been attacked 7 times already (from college), but I guessed if I was off the campus and far away, things like that wouldn’t happen again.  I was working at a strip club, too, which didn’t help my cause when the unsympathetic cop arrived and saw my bag that had my outfit in it. He didn’t care to hear that I invited the guy in because he was younger than me and was going to college and because I ‘knew’ him, I invited him in to give him last minute tips of college living, when, as he was leaving and saying good-bye, he attempted to overpower me at the door and wasn’t until I calmly said to him that if he proceeded, I’d sue him and his family name for every penny they had (he was related to some famous athlete, but I don’t remember.)  Anyway, I finally decided to report it and that’s when I realized there is a second violation that occurs many times when a rape victim reports it.  So I just told any and everyone who asked me about my private life, purging the anguish on their shoulders.  It wasn’t until I had to harness that purging by joining groups, “Wounded Heart,” ‘Rejoice Always’ (thank You Claudia Cartier wherever you are!) AND counseling AND a sponsor that I felt I was finally being heard – which meant I was finally being validated for the violation that occurred against me numerous times.
  • I had RAGE against God – and I confronted Him about it.  Things happened before I came to the Lord.  I never questioned whether or not he was there, I just didn’t think He was as involved.  I only humored well-intentioned Christians at that time – my beef was with God. The driving factor after I made the decision was that I was going to give Him a piece of my mind.  ‘Wait, what? you want me to follow You and trust You when You weren’t there for me before? You didn’t get it right the first time!’  Everything I felt came out with an almost demonic force of accusations in my journal that it resulted to my checking myself into the Psych ward on Hollywood Blvd, demanding Prozac, which gave me a horrible allergic reaction and caused me to make the decision to just deal
  • I had to keep going back to God until my anger turned into permission to allow Him to heal me.  If you claim to be a believer, I tell you there is hard fact that is claimed in the Wounded Heart book that has its readers following the workbook hurling it, the book itself, and the Bible across the room. I won’t ruin it for you, but I will say that it caused me to stop doing the next thing.
  • If I was going to be with questionable friends, I ALWAYS had a way to leave early, with my own transportation. Which meant I hydrate before I went out and had NOTHING to eat or drink at the party.  I learned in college, the hard way, and unfortunately, many more are learning or will have to learn this important tip.  If I honestly knew my friends were partiers, I had to make the decision to be friend away from the party and the one they called if they needed someone, instead of my being the helpless lamb in the den of lions with them.
  • I had to Stop making my life be about seeking revenge, but start living it.  I was quickly learning that every time afterwards, I would tell myself it wouldn’t happen again, I learned Krav Magna, walked with pepper sprays and told myself it wouldn’t happen – just to have another situation happen.  I remember wanting to seek revenge on all the attackers and with my new pepper spray I even sprayed someone for just saying hello and I didn’t want to talk to him, and the wind blew back and it ended up in my face! I laugh now about that, but perhaps that was analogy of how my own efforts would be to try and track them down, and do whatever to them. Before coming to the Lord, I had once dated a guy who used to rectify situations when his girl friends from college said they were attacked,  and I wanted him to do that to the last guy I was with. My ex-boyfriend (the attacker) had no idea how close he was to finding his young son’s head on his doorstep – just so I could have my justice. Would that have solve anything? Why would his son have to suffer? (That’s how far I had drifted from living and being my true self.)
  • I had to stop calling myself a “victim.”  I’m a survivor.  When I called myself a ‘victim,’  I was helpless.  I was paralyzed with fear. I had no voice and could do nothing.  When I was paralyzed with fear, that’s when another new situation happened (mind you, I was in the environment, too and I desperately wanted a boyfriend, so many things happened because of that deep desire.) But, I made up my mind to re-define ‘victim’ as dead.  I was a survivor. I am stronger, I have a voice and my life does have worth, meaning, and value and no one on this earth is entitled to an explanation of my existence.
  • I had to forgive – not tolerate and not for them, because as far as I knew, they weren’t the ones losing sleep – I was.  I had to allow myself to melt into my Heavenly Father’s hands to begin forgiveness.  In doing so, He even answered the question I posted earlier, ‘Why?’  Because we all are given free choice and many people’s choices, good and bad, affect others.  My staying in rage, paralyzing fear, and unforgiveness only physically hurt me in the end, and impacted the people around me – which has a butterfly effect.  Although it took years (14) to get here, I decided to live healthy because I wanted to love someone and I wanted that person to love me.
  • I had to start listening to my gut and NOT stay if I felt uncomfortable in anyway. Part of my experiences happened because I leave when my gut said to leave.  I stayed, had a drink, and ignored the little voice giving me the warning.

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If you have been violated by rape, (and unfortunately, the likelihood of a majority of the readers having their own story, or know someone is a definite given) the most important thing you can do, after removing yourself from danger is to get yourself to place where you are a ‘survivor,’ and not ‘victim.’  We need your voice. We need YOUR voice. My daughter needs you to be healthy. The young child near you, the person you work with, needs your compassionate ear.  You getting healthy FOR YOU is more important.

I can’t speak for those who are the violators, the rapists. You, I don’t understand and won’t pretend to understand why you would inflict pain (and here’s the thing, if you are reading this and you have been the cause of pain, the attacker, then perhaps there’s hope for you yet. You still need your own system of finding forgiveness and your healing from childhood events (I guess), which starts with humbling yourself to the Lord.

At any rate, share.  Share when, and if you’re ready.  (Forgive me if this sounds like a PSA,) but as this is your choice, I can promise that when you do, you will be in a place where you can listen sympathetically to others without falling victim to your own experience, dealing with picking up the pieces from the past, to live in the present.

With love and respect,

Shakira Arikah Baly-Jensen

and I think he said it best…

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How to Get Over the Ex

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I remember this time of the year being so difficult on so many levels; the thought and stress of the hustle and bustle of arranging to see family, customers AND co-workers at work, the endless commercials of gifts I could not only not afford, but had no vision in seeing myself out of the chokehold I was in emotionally to picture myself enjoying such gifts, and then the loneliness of the Holidays.  I don’t know, with all the romantic movies, seeing couples cuddling and bundled up, for some crazy reason, it seemed that no matter if I did have a boyfriend earlier in the year, by winter, he was gone. One after a pathetic other – (ughhh!)  Trust me, I was getting better at secretly learning which friend’s parent’s home I could party at who kept the alcohol flowing, just to drown the emptiness, but it never solved the pain.

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But funny, sitting here right now to try to choose who to write this about, it’s laughable that my heartache lasted only as long as the season and I remember the feelings of being hurt INSTEAD of the guy!

But for the sake of the title, and really learning how to get over the Ex, I’ll call my ex “Barry” – a compilation of the past romances

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  1. When Barry #1 and I ended it, I was the last to know – I didn’t know that he actually used me then decided to deny ever being in a relationship with me  – HOW I GOT OVER? At the time, I allowed myself to cry – but I gave myself a time limit.
  2. When Barry #2 and I ended it, it was because I wanted marriage and he wanted to continue living together – HOW I GOT OVER IT? I was getting stronger by this time, and realised I was worth marrying
  3. When Barry #3 and i ended it, he was immature in age and emotions and took the ring back twice – HOW I GOT OVER IT? I became my best fan and stood with my head held high.
  4. When Barry #4 (and …I better stop here) and I ended it, he never told me it was over and he would sleep with other women while we dated and that he would leave town without telling me – only to come back to expect me waiting for him – HOW DID I GET OVER IT? – lol, actually, after praying that he would wise up and come back to me, I wanted him to see how happy I was with my new life, new family – and I did, however, I didn’t see him when I was still in revenge mode.  I saw him (in public, by chance) when I let go and forgave.  And I was laughing and playing with my daughter and husband.

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How did I have to get over the ex?

  • I had to allow myself to grieve, but set a time limit (only after work, while watching Golden Girls or some comedy to keep my feel good hormones flowing freely) for about 2 to 3 hours.
  • NO pictures, gifts, etc. (except if I just liked the gift itself) survived if my heart was attached to it by thinking of him
  • I had to NOT initiate contact (why have them call me psycho?) – so no texting, calling, hanging out at their work, but I did mentally put myself there and knew I’d get the last laugh.  no-contact
  • I had to share with trusted friends and LAUGH!
  • I had to journal what I learned about myself and about the relationship and what I would or would not do in the next one
  • I had to go out and smile knowing that not all (guys/ you can insert girls, too) were jerks and I shouldn’t put the emotions I had from one relationship on the shoulders of a new potential friendship
  • I matured and decided that abusing alcohol was not the answer

I hope this help you.  You’re not alone, regardless what you think.  you will get stronger and over it, and you’re a hero for getting up again and believing your love is out there!

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If you need to talk or want to join the Two Hearts Secret Group Conference Call, just go to http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking and post that you’d like to be added to the group.

The call is an interactive accountability call where we are going over the 40-day Love Dare Journey, where singles and couples alike, are preparing themselves and their minds to give the love necessary to maintain a loving and lasting relationship.

If you’d like to join, call at 7am CST/8am EST

Conference dial-in number: (805) 399-1000
Participant access code: 205919
Playback number: (805) 399-1099 (access # above) (though, tomorrow will be more an as requested/needed call)

 

The Two Ships app is still under way is expected to be released in 2015.

Love, Peace, and respect to all,

Shakira Arikah Baly

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