Tag Archives: dating

If He Couldn’t Perform Sexually, I’d Have a Problem…

Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom
Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom

A client sought me out over the phone, for my matchmaking services.  She said she was ready to marry to find the one and had been too busy to get out there.

She is an upstanding, financially responsible, 50 year old woman seeking a mutually mature, financially responsible male. After our introduction, I explained that the next step is to take the questionnaire, which covers most topics of conflicts within a relationship and gets to the core values of the individual.

Everything she answered showed her to be a woman of high standards, and easily qualified her to attain a mutual solid relationship with a man of equal values and standards.

When the questions involving sexual activity expectations came about, her ‘truth’ in the answers revealed something about herself that she wasn’t aware of:

Question:  If he couldn’t perform sexually, I’d ________     Her answer: (have a problem with that.)

Question:  If I couldn’t perform sexually, I’d want him to ________  Her answer: (assist me and help overcome it)

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Forget the fact that there are various issues, including medical or hormonal reasons, especially within that age bracket, where sexual activity is impacted to the point where patience and loving support is crucial. Those two questions actually cross over into other areas of the relationship and how a person deals with relationship issues.

There are so many singles (who do not want to be single – obviously I’m not referring to the happy and single individuals) who are entering the dating world with this, “the other person better be qualified, but when I falter, that person has to provide a safe place for me to be vulnerable.”

What would happen if we all had an attitude of providing a safe place to the other person?  In my experience, it is, by nature, impossible, because we naturally are ingrained to self-preserve, through selfishness.

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In my experience, and many, upon many successful individuals in mutually loving and solid relationships, there is usually a foundation from which that stems.  Those individuals that are able to respect the God within another person, project a respect that finds another, the right one for that individual, to become couples that respect and provide a safe place for each other to be vulnerable.

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For example, a couple of nights ago, I dreamt I was out on a date (still married) with an (unknown to me) man who was not my husband, but who was also married.  A the end of the date, I initiated a passionate kiss with this man to which although later he protested, he returned the kiss.  After that, I guess some time passed because the next thing I knew I was in front husband, who bent down to kiss me.  I looked over is shoulder and saw the other guy make a grimaced face and motioned to me to I should have washed my mouth before kissing him.

When I woke up, I texted my husband I loved him and apologized.  Let me explain.

I woke up that morning to help him out by making sandwiches for him for work. However, when I looked around the kitchen, I just instantly got ticked at the ‘mess.’  I was raised where chores were done at night, and I expected him to do his ‘share.’  Nevermind the fact, the man, even as I write this post, is working his seventh day at a laborious job.  Nevermind the fact that he wakes at 4:30/5am, gets home @ 4/5:30pm and I need him to watch our almost three year-old because I have to go to a meeting, audition, have computer time, etc.  Fill in the blank.  Whatever you choose, I neglected to provide a safe place for him to feel comfortable to relax, refresh, be vulnerable, whatever.

I took the dream as a warning that to get my needs met, if I don’t watch my attitude, I will cheat and deceive my husband – not necessarily involving another person, but definitely in a way that does NOT support the vows I made to him before God.

Anyway, I shared the dream with him.  I didn’t even get a chance to share all that, but you know what he did when he heard it?  He smiled and held me.  He joked and said, “let me know when you see him so I can punch his lights out.”  I told him, “But I did the initiating.”  He said, “So what? I’ll have to punch someone!”  and then we laughed.  He made it safe for me share that, and later when I was able to tell him what I thought the Holy Spirit was warning me, I emphasized to him that I wanted him to feel safe.

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I only know that from my own personal relationship to Jesus and what true intimacy is really about.

Friends, unless you can provide that or be that for someone, you’ll always find that you’ll have a problem.

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Happy Dating with Love and the REAL PEACE,

Arikah, Relationship Coach and Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Want to take the questionnaire to find your own match?  Need consultation to find out what could be holding you back from finding your love?  It’s easy, confidential, and affordable and in your area. Email us at two.hearts2share@gmail.com.

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I Will MAKE Him Become What I Want in a Husband!

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Yep, me, over here.

I knew as a daughter of God, I would live happily ever after – I truly believed and trusted that concept. Only my actions weren’t adding up.  In fact, I found myself in relationships where, in my heart I knew it wouldn’t happen or where my behavior proved I didn’t believe it was ever going to happen.  In each of these relationships, I believed if I just did something more, or if I just prayed hard enough to get him to change his ways, or if he saw my pious ways then he’d convert and we’d be champions for God! Ughh!

A friend asked me recently why I thought I got myself in these situations and why we argue with our husbands and all I could tell her was I wanted a guy who could be sensitive and sympathetic like a woman without being a woman, but be a man.

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I’m so glad there is clearly a Divine sense of humor. And grace. Lots and lots of grace in thinking how much of a “b–” I was.  (Side note: And why some women seek to reach that level on a daily basis, and then complain of relationships not working for them, I’ll never understand,) but anyway…

This topic, though seemingly simplistic, is one that stupes many of us women who are or were seeking.  What is it about that guy that has us to both, agree to exchange nuptials and simultaneously draws us ever more into wanting to change him? Why?

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We can spend forever asking why, but all I can say is that it is so important to make sure you are not falling in this mindset. That’s what makes each of us a wonderful, comical mystery to unravel and discover and appreciate. If you are doing this, and don’t like the contents inside, staying ‘for the sake of not hurting his feelings doesn’t work. If you’re finding that you’ve shared your heart and intimacy and he wants to change you, or you feel compelled to compromise yourself, or lose yourself in his wants, to be who he wants, it’s safe to say unless you prefer to not think for yourself, you will never be satisfied.

So where are you in your relationship?

Ready to take the profile questionnaire?  Find out if you are truly compatible matches, or see what you need to work on by contacting us here.

When Marriage Became More Than Paper to Me – Part 1

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The fairy tales that ended with “and they lived happily ever after,” represented some sort of cruel, sick joke to me once I reached my late teenage years.  All around me, and I mean in the tabloids and media, I was seeing people getting divorced for reasons varying from “falling out of love,” financial gain/loss, just not in agreement, and finally infidelity, that I truly didn’t see the point of why two people would even want to commit themselves to each other.

I saw it as a way to further muffle the woman’s voice, who was supposed to be helpless, unassuming, and a domestic demi-goddess to be able to look good and handle the household without complaining.  And since there were always several kids in this kind of family, she was always ready to have sex because she wanted more and more kids. If she was called “self-sacrificing,” that meant she was a martyr that was everything to everyone, whenever and however they needed her.

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I saw it this way until I wanted a relationship.

In the deep abyss of my mind, I, at least, knew the concept of marriage meant a vow to be with the other person for rest of each other’s lives;  to have each other’s backs, and as much as I opposed marriage, I wanted someone to want to vow to be with me for the rest our lives.

As crazy and as wild as my life was, one thing stood true – as I kept chasing after unconditional love in all the wrong places and the wrong people, I really didn’t know how to give the kind of love I wanted, because I didn’t know how to receive it.

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I don’t mean this in other people, because yes, there were some wrong choices there, but there were also some great people out there who cared deeply for me. (That didn’t mean they were “the one”).

In fact, I remember qualifying candidates as “the one” because we got along great and they seemed nice, but until I realized me own pattern, within 3 months, we hit turmoil and usually quickly it was over.

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No, when I say I didn’t know how to receive it, I mean, in a Higher Power kind of way.  (Now before I lose you, let me explain!)

I knew there existed a Higher Power who ‘loved’ me, but in this world, I felt I had to fend for myself.  I had to make a way for myself, provide for myself (even when I was sleeping in my car and eating mayo/sprouts sandwiches), and I definitely had to figure out who can love and accept me with all my imperfections, and many a night I spent in the arms of a new lover trying to find it.  However, I was still quietly suffering from bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. I was raped several times.  I compromised my own dignity in order to have a relationship, more than once. And although I wanted this ‘imaginary perfect person,’ my own measuring stick of qualifying candidates ranged from making excuses for them (saying things like, ‘who am I to judge?’) to they better love me, warts and all – but be easy for me to love.

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Somewhere in there, in my search, I bypassed all the people who were telling me what I should do and I decided to delve further into my knowledge of God – mind you though, that was by happenstance because really I had just prayed, “Ok, God, I have nothing to show for my life, so you can take it now!” (which, by the way means something totally and wonderfully different to God, I believe!) Without meaning to, after being graced with “cords of human kindness,” who wanted to help me without return of favor but out of sheer joy and even protected my dignity, who extended help without my having to perform or just be “on,” but because it was it was on their hearts, really, it was too much for me during this humbling time.  I even prayed that God stop it because I didn’t know how to handle “so much love,” I prayed.  These were people who first showed a love that was one of respect and integrity.  The romantic love had to be on hold during this time, because honestly, I was a mess and still didn’t understand or recognize a love that meant respect for another being in a selfless way. More than that, I didn’t know why anyone would want to do things for the sheer joy of helping someone else.  I was still doing things for others because 1.) It made me feel good in a way where I was a good person to help someone else, meaning that eventually, I would be thanked or recognized in some way – if even cosmically; 2.) I felt I had to and with everyone being a part of a charity, not only could I get a tax break, but be called a philanthropist and 3.) somewhere in me I felt I should do it.  But more times than not, I never intentionally went out of my way to help or love others. And once I became a Christian, Heaven help those that didn’t ‘agree’ with my understanding of God. Regardless, I had enough problems of my own, and didn’t want to involve myself with others – yet, I still wanted a relationship.

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So, in reflecting how marriage became more to me, I believe it came somewhat in this order:

1.) I had to understand the type of Love I wanted – even more than that, the Source, and who really set the standard of the type of Love I yearned for;

2.) I had to demonstrate that love in a way where I did not expect to have it reciprocal, but because I was willing to do so for the sheer joy of it;

3.) I had to learn about boundaries – mine and others, and learn how to respect those.

4.) I had to be open to the concept of forever be forgiving of others and take responsibility without feeling shame when I asked for forgiveness

5.) I studied again the dictionary definition of the word ‘love’ and what the biblical standard of ‘Love’ if, and than set out to see if I could see it demonstrated on a consistent basis between two people who professed their love for each other.

Let me just add, I DID see it! I saw so many husbands loving their wives, while still being ‘men,’ and fathers to their children. I saw their wives stand majestically beside them, respecting them and encouraging them.  I saw it over and over again. I saw how when they were apart from each other, that wasn’t their time to rip apart their spouse and complain of their spouse’s shortcomings. I saw the mutual respect they had for each other to strengthen each other.  I saw them show respect for the vows they made to each other and before God. I witnessed them growing together in their walks with God to impact and encourage others.  Their children were polite and loving.  Trust me, for a moment I thought I was in a bizarro world, but it was right there in Los Angeles – of all places, and then again in Franklin, Tennessee.  Only because I saw it over and again did I believe it was achievable. So I made up my mind that I was going to have that.

(to be continued) – Forcing My Dreams of Marriage to Match My Vision – Part 2

Hugs, Peace, and truly love,

Arikah, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking (www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking)

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Can you relate to this apology video?

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“I’m Ready to Marry, But My “Type” Doesn’t Exist”

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There was a post on Facebook from one of my friends that stated, “Your ‘type’ may be the reason you aren’t with your soulmate.”  While many of the comments agreed, one pointed out that going outside your race as a reason.  Hmm?

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After being matched for the “chemical attraction/first meeting,” I arranged for two people whose questionnaire showed that they valued the same things and held the similar temperament, both agreed that they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.  He continued by saying that he was attracted to her and really enjoyed himself.  She mentioned that she had a great time and enjoyed the meeting, “however.”

“However, what?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t know how you determine chemical attraction but I wasn’t,” she said.

In my experience, I have heard more women – married women who are deeply in love with their husbands, start by saying that at first, they were not attracted to the man who would later become their husbands.  They all admit that although they would snub these men, there was something about them that they could see that God was definitely working on their hearts and what they needed, instead of what they wanted, and after the consistency, the stable-mindedness, and decisiveness of their suitors, they were in love and ready to devote their lives in matrimony.

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For my male clients, I help them in the process of letting go of the women who they personally pursued and still cannot let go.  When I ask them to tell me a quality of these women that they believe is marriage-worthy, they stutter and stammer.

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Ughhhh…..please..

My point in addressing the male’s situation, the female’s version of no chemical attraction, and the erroneous picture above is that I truly believe there is a mix up of people’s idea looking for dates and seeking marriage-worthy individuals.

One of the ways I match couples, is to give an extensive and in-depth questionnaire to truly understand what it is the person is looking for.  What they don’t know is that on the other side, there is a match for them.  I don’t tell them anything about the other person because I do not want the intention of the answers to change.  It’s important to screen the health and mindset of the person to be sure they are ready to begin a mutually loving relationship.  The individuals never see the pictures of the other person until the meeting, (but is sometimes within the boundaries of the what the individual is open to.) So, the individual based on the answers they give, will never know that if their potential is within reach.

Am I keeping them from meeting? You better believe it, in regards to my business, as I seek to match healthy-minded people with others; but I am not preventing them from meeting.  My mindset is if it is meant to be, they will find each other. It’s just sad when you can actually witness that it will take time for the person to evolve to place where they can give and receive a respectful, loving relationship.  I can’t stress enough, though, once it’s found, there is no other mutual devotion on earth, stronger and appreciated.

Couple enjoying coffee at Sidewalk Cafe --- Image by © Artiga Photo/Corbis
Couple enjoying coffee at Sidewalk Cafe — Image by © Artiga Photo/Corbis

What I’m saying is that looking for marriage minded individuals is much different than simply looking for attractive people who can hold a conversation.

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Today’s singles are collectively saying that they are single by choice, but that their “type” doesn’t exist – which means they’re looking.  They’re saying that their career comes first, however, says in the same breath that they wish even options or other perspectives, can talk to them.  And soon their pickiness becomes either bitterness or wishy-washiness. And for those who are wanting at marriage for another chance, many times, they haven’t learned the important signals that happen beforehand that create turmoil in their relationship, and so, the cycle begins again – Heaven forbid children are now involved.

It reminds me of a middle school dance, that awkward event (probably not so much today’s middle schooler, but you know what I mean) where although hormones are racing, no one has confidence to go up and ask out someone for the dance – or, is able to be open enough to be approachable to be asked. For the dance, mind you.

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I don’t know how else to illustrate that your “type” is there, I promise. However, if your old methods for finding dates are not working for you, is it that you’re using the wrong methods?  Are you using a superficial checklist that doesn’t even cover questions that prove the person would be loyal to you or has the ability to see you value the same thing?  Is it just based on looks, conversation, job status, or children status?

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Please note, when you are ready to find a spouse, your filter MUST be specific – but in the right ways. It is not based on whether his Bible (which he probably got from his grandma) is highlighted.  It’s not based on if she shares the same political views. It’s not based on definition of his pectoral muscles or whether or not he has facial hair.  It’s not based on whether she has a few extra pounds.

The ONE thing singles miss in their search, in the opinion of this professional dating coach and matchmaker, is the level of integrity they can honestly say they have seen consistently enough to even have a person qualified.  Integrity is what makes the beauty/handsome.  And that is something that is not shown in just words.  It’s not something that is can be determined after a few encounters. That takes time. Time, where neither party is manipulating the outcome, but is respectful, direct, and decisive.

So many, though, do not even know what integrity means.  Integrity is one where a person does what they say they’re going to do.  They respect themselves in a way that spills out for respect for others.  The person doesn’t call out on an appointment, or work, even (there’s a lot of that going on in the workforce) at the last minute because they don’t feel like coming in.  The person doesn’t make promises and breaks them. They respect themselves enough to not get in the situation if they think they can’t do it.  They help others without seeking to please others, or say the popular thing they think others want to hear.  They believe in loyalty and walk in that.  They vibrate on a completely different level – where it seems as though they are eccentric, but it’s only because they are surrounded by people who act entitled;, wanting the same things in a loving relationship, yet believe the other person must come in perfect to fit some unrealistic mold they’ve crafted that goes to serve them and their egos.

So then, I ask you, do you still think you’re type isn’t there?

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Want to take the preliminary online dating questionnaire? For just $25, (very limited time offer! Service begins at receipt of payment.) you can register to get the individualized personal first steps to help you find your spouse. Confidential, respectful, and prayer is always the key element in finding matches.  You don’t have to go it alone. Your pace.

Even for the shy.

Click here to begin.

“I’m BAAAAACKK!” The Poltergeist You’re Holding Onto aka, the Ex

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Is your ex or your past attraction, haunting your thoughts with the hopes that they’ll come back?

Here’s some ways to get them back:

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  1. Channel ALL your thoughts on them during your waking moments and even in your dreams – provided that you get any sleep
  2. Allow their lack of contact or apathetic contact make you feel depressed.
  3. Get spiritual – prayer to make them come back you, séance, Ouija board, soothsayer, witchdoctors’ potions, any and everything you can think of
  4. Talk to all his/her friends, casually mentioning that you can’t go on without him/her – or that you’ve moved on, but wait for them to comment on how he/she really misses you.
  5. Look in the mirror and repeat that you are worthless and nothing without them.
  6. Fall into deep depression, with the hope that maybe they will telepathically pick up your feelings and knock on your door

It looks silly out on paper doesn’t it? If “experts” gave these tips for their clients, you’d definitely look for their credentials.  thCCJ0TT0B

But are you doing any of the above with the hopes that the person will “come to their senses” and come back to you?  Or maybe that someday they will realize what they missed when they were mistreating you or playing with your heart and that they will come back?

Here’s the question: would you really want them back? Would you want them to crawl back for the suffering they are putting you through?

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If your answer is anything other than move on, trust me, even if they do come back – it won’t work.  The only kind of change worth trusting comes from a DEEP Spiritual and personal relationship with Jesus, which allows inner growth, to understand that their views affect their actions towards themselves and with others – and that takes time – which is longer than 3 weeks.  Try 9 months to a full three years.  Any sooner will be like taking a cake out of the oven after putting it in the oven for 5 minutes.

Which brings me back to the question, what good is holding out for this person doing for you?

I recently suggested to one of my clients that he rid the number of the woman who clearly affected his emotions with her apathetic and/or lack of communication. The look on his face was equal if I told him he would receive a million dollar check if he were able to extract a live baby from his gut.  Even though this woman has given more than enough signals and flags that she is incapable of returning any type of affection to him, and that she could make or break his day with any form of attention she may or may not give, he made excuses as to why he needed to keep her number.  The root of matter was not that she had proven to him that she was a blessing and gift as a wife who could love him (which, his ultimate goal is to have a wife), he could only say that similar interests during deep conversation was the icing, but he was attracted to her, and (on a subconscious level) maybe she’d get that he is a great guy.

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My passion is that EVERYONE who claims Jesus as Lord (please know I am being inclusive to those who do not, but am specifically focusing on those who profess the goodness and power of God, but carry on as though He ignores their personal lives and hearts desires),

YOUR FAITH and CONFIDENCE in Him, will be MORE Successful than ANY attempts You may make on your own to reach your goal. Your willingness to say, “Lord, you guide my steps today and let me speak to those you want me to speak to, encourage those who need to hear from you, and guard and protect the chosen one you MAY have for me. And should my life not have someone at this time, allow me to be content in your will!”

When You Can't Feel God

“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts

        to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good

        gifts to those who ask him!”  Matthew 7:11

        “Do you believe that I am able to this,” (said Jesus to the blind men who

        asked for healing)…According to your faith will it be done to you.”

Matthew 9: 28-29

By this, you won’t have to worry about saying the right thing to just anyone who may be single.  By doing this, You can actually go out on dates and just enjoy a date for a date.  By this, you can actually ask other singles out for a simple together and encourage others, without being on guard to act like marriage material, or qualifying others as marriage material.

By doing this, you will learn how to go out on dates – which, and this truth may hurt to read, but, you don’t know how to do.  You’ll be able to enjoy yourself.  (Hint, if you are hiding behind these statements, “there aren’t any good people out there;” “I’m just going to focus on _____, since I can’t find anyone to date (yet your not dating, is causing you to be melancholy” – then you haven’t learned how to have fun on dates and be in the moment. And we ALL experience wrong dating techniques!)

My suggestion to you is do it NOW – erase the person from your phone.  Keeping their number is not doing you any good and even when the person you were destined comes around, you won’t recognize them, because you have that back door person who can make or break your day.  Get rid of that poltergeist and make room for the new adventures.

Then, compliment NO LESS than 4 people a day, in various age ranges various genders, WITHOUT expectation that they need to respond. Just compliment and walk away.  You’ll pique MORE people’s interest this way, boost your esteem, and open the door to meet your chosen one.  If the day is almost over, get up, go to the store and make it happen.

You only have the Poltergeist to lose.

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Now, we have A LOT going on with Two Hearts Matchmaking, including an upcoming interactive sitcom, “A Chance for Love” with downloadable apps!  Make sure you follow the progress on our Facebook pages for the teaser promo! YOUR OPINION/VOTE COUNTS!

www.facebook.com/ArikahNASH  and www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking .  And just think, YOU are making it happen!!!

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Will Long Distance Romance work?

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Was the question I was asked.  My answer didn’t satisfy the probing person because she was considering it for herself with someone.

Here’s your answer:  It’s based on the individuals and the dynamic of the relationship.

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However, one where there the individuals have a spouse already – are you wanting me to say yes, just hold on to hope?

I can’t do that. I won’t do that.

I will say that if you start a relationship with someone who has a spouse long distance or right next door, you will be blinded to what a healthy relationship is, once the ‘excitement’ wears off.

If you want to find someone locally, contact us for help.  We can get you started with our Online Cupid Secretary Service and even offer an amazing trial run.

Happy Dating!

A Bit Annoyed – no, REALLY ANNOYED with People and Their Pickiness

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I’m more than a bit annoyed today – it’s actually PATHETIC that the SAME PICKY PEOPLE who have unrealistic “standards” don’t get that other people are viewing them THE SAME WAY – and they’re not even normal standards like, oh you know, can the person hold a job and is doing something worthwhile with their lives, is the person still with the spouse, has the person ever been in jail, but DUMB stuff…..You know, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SINGLE! Not everyone you meet is going to be your spouse, but you CAN do wonders to LEARN to build friendship and LEARN what that means. And get this, You DON’T EVEN HAVE TO SETTLE – You CAN meet amazing people who are just as Amazing as you think you are…wait..what? You can’t? Oh, well maybe if you get off the pedestal of perfection you placed yourself on and join the rest of the world, the blinders will come off your eyes.

I intentionally picked the images below to show you and ask you if this is what it’s come to – unnecessarily.  Do any of them show your attitude?  And this is all while saying God is in control..no, He’s not, you are – at least unsuccessfully trying to be and you’re ruining it for others out there wanting to truly meet quality people. Just admit you’re bitter and go get counseling to get over it.

Stop being such a hypocritical jerk, or get out of the dating pool!

With Love,

Arikah, your romantic date coach and matchmaker

Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

p.s. yep, it’s one of those days in the business where the craziest and least likely people to be picky, are just that. And it’s not just for the women, men are there as well. I, unapologetically approve this message.

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If this is you, fine, but quit complaining there’s no good people out there. Obviously your way hasn’t been working… You’ve just been too far removed from the scene to recognize it. Just food for thought…

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