This is just a quick interruption to share this ideology about the “being in a committed relationship where the word “love” is passed around and then posting when that same person makes you angry,” syndrome.
Someone very close to me did just this. Posted her wedding pictures last year, professed to love this woman with her soul -the woman doing the same – and yesterday, she posted a few posts about how although she “knows hate is a strong word, she’s beginning to hate this woman” and then in another post listing a lengthy paragraph of how this woman had no right to involve her facebook friends and so because she did, she would, in turn post her business on her wall.
She may read this (and to protect her identity, from my readers) and unfriend me, but hopefully not before reading this short post.
Regardless of views, lifestyles, or opinions, in any relationship where the word “love” is exchanged between each person, there has to be an understanding of what respect means.
We are all human, and we all, not only make mistakes, but naturally, are selfish – which means others will be hurt by our actions, lack of action, and decisions, and/or our indifference, many, many times within our lives (you know, the exact reason Jesus died – oops compelled to throw that in there, since I do believe Jesus died for us when we were at our worst so that we may have a chance to see and be with him in eternity). We have to work to be the qualities we want from others (kind, patient, gentle, respectful, not envious, etc).
Anyway, back to my… example. Keeping in mind that we will hurt one another within a committed relationship, it is NEVER helpful to post your drama on Facebook. Ever.
Yes, I am very emphatic about that.
My mantra is about establishing mutual trust and respect to have a long-lasting loving relationship. Posting about the dynamics of your relationship so that your ‘friends’ have the opportunity to ‘side’ with you, or fuel the angst, only adds more separation between the very one you claimed to love. (Luckily, enough of her fb friends were urging her to delete the post, but how often do you hear that?)
This really does seem like common sense, but I’m guessing in the heat of the moment, that’s the only ‘out’ the uncontrolled posting person has.
A few posts back I posted about the disagreement my husband and I had and how angry we were. My doing so was intentional – I’m a relationship coach and wanted to share – in the heat of the moment, there will be points when we all have a decision at the fork in the road when we are angry at our significant other, and the choices we make will either build up or slowly chip away at the foundation the couple vowed to have. I hoped that it helped my readers. Notice that I never posted what the problem was (because I don’t remember!)
There’s so much more I can say on this, but it may drone on for those who will see this as obvious. PLEASE, for the love of everything good and wonderful, do NOT post your anger or feelings on facebook if you profess to love the other person.
Here is a free idea for what you can do instead: Create an email account, when you’re upset, post your anger there. if you need the reassurance or comments, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or go to the Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking (www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking) and request to be put in the secret call group – created specifically for those who need encouragement when they want to vent online about relationship woes. (Hey, who knows what the Super Bowl parties will bring? Being prepared to maintain your own respect, if not the respect of the one you claim to love, will go further when you’re prepared and not deflated….ok, sorry for that one.)
Based on the above research no one wants to know your business – and it makes you look like an immature, unstable, angry maniac who is incapable of keeping and maintaining a relationship past the superficial niceties. (p.s. I would never tell my clients that directly – I’ll just save it for here.)
S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking
I wanted to stop and write this during the midst of my own personal storm. Especially as being a relationship coach, I’m not sure how else to share the authenticity of real relationships and that every one has its storms, but survival is foundationally based on the decisions made long before the relationship is ever in existence.
My husband and I, are right now at the writing of this blog, not seeing eye to eye. So much so, that he is at one end of the house and I at the other and not speaking. I can honestly tell you, both of us are hurt. Both of us had our well-intentioned words or actions we thought would make things better, but they didn’t help.
My natural “normal’ (in terms of how everyone else seems to solve this problem) self wants to throw in the towel, because, hey, why go through drama? Life is too short, right? I could get a nice, quiet divorce, take our daughter, move in with my mom until I get my own place and just go through the visitation process. I mean, I was so mad today I couldn’t even look at him. I wanted nothing to do with him. That’s how mad I was. And yet, he was also giving exasperated sighs and movements of frustration that I can only imagine he felt the same. In the midst of it, our two-year old was happily running around the house saying, “hi mom!, hi da-dee!”
However, friends, I made a vow. And I made it before the God I believe is the glue between us.
You see, I had a person who emailed me a while back who was considering my services, tell me that my questions seemed too Christian. She said she was not religious but spiritual and wondered if she should considered my service.
But I asked her, what is she basing her core values and beliefs on? What if she and her partner could not see eye to eye, on grounds will she go on to have the relationship she so desires? What was it she was looking for in a partner?
I’m not religious either. As a matter of fact, it boggles my mind why people want to fight over trivial things and think that an All-powerful God is going to care – ….well, I’ll just say whatever would make there be six different churches in a two block area, yet still all proclaim to worship God…..I don’t get it.
However, having said, I did, at least came to know of God in a church. Actually, I learned more about Jesus and how he was definitely out of the box. And that He was God. And that He died for me, not when I got it right, or when I wasn’t doing the sinning anymore. He was there with me protecting me from harm as I smoked from the bong. He protected me when I was stranded in the desert – twice and yelled out at him for being a sadistic god. He was there continually pouring out Grace and Forgiveness when I showed Him no respect, all the way to today. He is here with me now as my heart continually gets heavy at the anguish of suffering in the world around me.
Yet, He made me to be a fighter. Call me a rebel, call me weird, but normal just isn’t making it anymore* ( this was from this evening’s service http://www.echochurchnashville.com. Thank you, Brian! Hey, I’ll still share because I don’t know who needs it!) I’m choosing to honor the vow I made to the Lord (first) and then my husband.
What that means is, no matter what –
– Divorce is not an option – (we both are solid on that)
– Being in control of my emotions and actions will always be before the Lord
– I will invite the Lord into my heart and actions
– even if my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye, I will respect him and his role as head of the household
– I will fight for the sanctity of our marriage and not let anyone, including our child, come in-between us. (we both agree)
You see when we (collectively as people) are like this, it’s important to go back to what you (individually) believe and who you believe. Just as I believe in an All-Powerful God, I believe He has an enemy of evil. Yep, I believe there is a devil. And I believe that whatever God creates, the devil seeks to destroy. He only seeks it because he has no real power, unless …. well, for now I will say, unless I give him power.
That power is given to him if I heed to his whispering in my ear, “what about you? he doesn’t appreciate you? you know all women has to go through this. If God really loved you, he would’ve given you a man who really knew how to do his role. You do so much. You’re getting bags under your eyes sacrificing for your family, you deserve more.”
Nope. I’m a fighter. “Never let the culture define your identity,” and “Never let the devil have the last move.”* (per this morning’s service, http://www.fourthavenuechurch.org, thank you Patrick!)
“Reclaim your identity.”
That cycle of divorce and broken marriages stops with me. My daughter will benefit from watching two people love each other and know and experience her da-dee’s love in the same household. She will see how a husband is to love a wife, but even if he isn’t, which he does, she will watch a wife take full responsibility of her part of the vows that she made. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I looked pretty in my dress, but that day means more to me than looking regal. I am choosing to be regal.
I am choosing to, wake him up and give him the biggest hug because regardless, I love him. I am choosing to love him even when I don’t feel like it. Not because of him. I’m not going to stay with him for the sake of our daughter – (ughhh! That’s an annoying excuse – my opinion, though) I’m going to stay with him and love him because I made a vow before God. And when it gets tough, when I feel like I can’t give anymore, I’m choosing to make sure God’s Spirit is right there giving me that extra boost to kill my pride and apologize and love my husband. My posting of our happy pictures is to only remind me of the love I have for him and the gratitude that he is one that I don’t have to question his love for me.
For the upcoming blog, I’ll still write of the core value questions so that you can answer them on your own. They won’t be right or wrong, they’ll be what you truly believe, and then there will be a scale to measure if you are ready for a healthy relationship, will you be able to recognize, attract, and maintain it.
Love you all and thanks for reading.
Love, Peace, and Happy Dating!
This has everything to do with dating and relationships.
Perhaps this explains my past self-diagnosis of manic depression or panic and anxiety attacks. Perhaps really I had these unresolved issues haunting me that made it difficult to cope with life, much less relationships.
If you have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse, having piece of mind in the trusting and security can feel never reaching. If you have been a victim of date rape, or not so much you dated the violator but instead was preyed upon by a predator, the anguish and doubt in ever being loveable, the lack of interest in being affection when you are dating someone, can lead you in a psychological tormented cycle. And if you are being domestically abuse, the shame you can feel for thinking the fairy tale romance is lost, that if you just did things better, that you are the only person that can understand your love interest, or that you must put up with it to have the children be protected, can feel as though only death can be your best friend at this point.
Notice the above did not have any gender specific details.
I decided to write this in light of the recent scandal surrounding Bill Cosby and the celebrities stepping forward to reveal their personal accounts of rape, molestation, and domestic abuse. (And Hollywood’s own sick and perverse way they choose the stars – victims reaching to children, especially boys, included)
It made me think if I should share my own experience of when I was molested as a child by the young son of my mother’s best friend, or losing my virginity to rape, only to be raped again by a different person in a different scenario two years later, again by another in different scenario (college) two years later, then several times after that resulting in a total of 8 separate times in eight separate scenarios – with only the last one in the form of a dating relationship, 14 years ago.
The question came to my mind because as I was watching the news report on Teri Hatcher’s account, and seeing Joan Collins’ experience only a day earlier, I was wondering why I didn’t have the urge to share. I wanted to, really I did, and share my own tears, but the urgency to do so wasn’t beyond grieving with the people stepping forward, instead of my own experience.
I think it’s because my own cycle of healing was made complete. (This is the only thing I think of as the reason).
I’m not sure this was in any particular order, but I do know everything had to happen to move on.
- I had to keep telling someone until I felt I was heard. I remember when I called the police for a rape attempt by a neighbor I knew when I was living in AZ. by this time, I had been attacked 7 times already (from college), but I guessed if I was off the campus and far away, things like that wouldn’t happen again. I was working at a strip club, too, which didn’t help my cause when the unsympathetic cop arrived and saw my bag that had my outfit in it. He didn’t care to hear that I invited the guy in because he was younger than me and was going to college and because I ‘knew’ him, I invited him in to give him last minute tips of college living, when, as he was leaving and saying good-bye, he attempted to overpower me at the door and wasn’t until I calmly said to him that if he proceeded, I’d sue him and his family name for every penny they had (he was related to some famous athlete, but I don’t remember.) Anyway, I finally decided to report it and that’s when I realized there is a second violation that occurs many times when a rape victim reports it. So I just told any and everyone who asked me about my private life, purging the anguish on their shoulders. It wasn’t until I had to harness that purging by joining groups, “Wounded Heart,” ‘Rejoice Always’ (thank You Claudia Cartier wherever you are!) AND counseling AND a sponsor that I felt I was finally being heard – which meant I was finally being validated for the violation that occurred against me numerous times.
- I had RAGE against God – and I confronted Him about it. Things happened before I came to the Lord. I never questioned whether or not he was there, I just didn’t think He was as involved. I only humored well-intentioned Christians at that time – my beef was with God. The driving factor after I made the decision was that I was going to give Him a piece of my mind. ‘Wait, what? you want me to follow You and trust You when You weren’t there for me before? You didn’t get it right the first time!’ Everything I felt came out with an almost demonic force of accusations in my journal that it resulted to my checking myself into the Psych ward on Hollywood Blvd, demanding Prozac, which gave me a horrible allergic reaction and caused me to make the decision to just deal
- I had to keep going back to God until my anger turned into permission to allow Him to heal me. If you claim to be a believer, I tell you there is hard fact that is claimed in the Wounded Heart book that has its readers following the workbook hurling it, the book itself, and the Bible across the room. I won’t ruin it for you, but I will say that it caused me to stop doing the next thing.
- If I was going to be with questionable friends, I ALWAYS had a way to leave early, with my own transportation. Which meant I hydrate before I went out and had NOTHING to eat or drink at the party. I learned in college, the hard way, and unfortunately, many more are learning or will have to learn this important tip. If I honestly knew my friends were partiers, I had to make the decision to be friend away from the party and the one they called if they needed someone, instead of my being the helpless lamb in the den of lions with them.
- I had to Stop making my life be about seeking revenge, but start living it. I was quickly learning that every time afterwards, I would tell myself it wouldn’t happen again, I learned Krav Magna, walked with pepper sprays and told myself it wouldn’t happen – just to have another situation happen. I remember wanting to seek revenge on all the attackers and with my new pepper spray I even sprayed someone for just saying hello and I didn’t want to talk to him, and the wind blew back and it ended up in my face! I laugh now about that, but perhaps that was analogy of how my own efforts would be to try and track them down, and do whatever to them. Before coming to the Lord, I had once dated a guy who used to rectify situations when his girl friends from college said they were attacked, and I wanted him to do that to the last guy I was with. My ex-boyfriend (the attacker) had no idea how close he was to finding his young son’s head on his doorstep – just so I could have my justice. Would that have solve anything? Why would his son have to suffer? (That’s how far I had drifted from living and being my true self.)
- I had to stop calling myself a “victim.” I’m a survivor. When I called myself a ‘victim,’ I was helpless. I was paralyzed with fear. I had no voice and could do nothing. When I was paralyzed with fear, that’s when another new situation happened (mind you, I was in the environment, too and I desperately wanted a boyfriend, so many things happened because of that deep desire.) But, I made up my mind to re-define ‘victim’ as dead. I was a survivor. I am stronger, I have a voice and my life does have worth, meaning, and value and no one on this earth is entitled to an explanation of my existence.
- I had to forgive – not tolerate and not for them, because as far as I knew, they weren’t the ones losing sleep – I was. I had to allow myself to melt into my Heavenly Father’s hands to begin forgiveness. In doing so, He even answered the question I posted earlier, ‘Why?’ Because we all are given free choice and many people’s choices, good and bad, affect others. My staying in rage, paralyzing fear, and unforgiveness only physically hurt me in the end, and impacted the people around me – which has a butterfly effect. Although it took years (14) to get here, I decided to live healthy because I wanted to love someone and I wanted that person to love me.
- I had to start listening to my gut and NOT stay if I felt uncomfortable in anyway. Part of my experiences happened because I leave when my gut said to leave. I stayed, had a drink, and ignored the little voice giving me the warning.
If you have been violated by rape, (and unfortunately, the likelihood of a majority of the readers having their own story, or know someone is a definite given) the most important thing you can do, after removing yourself from danger is to get yourself to place where you are a ‘survivor,’ and not ‘victim.’ We need your voice. We need YOUR voice. My daughter needs you to be healthy. The young child near you, the person you work with, needs your compassionate ear. You getting healthy FOR YOU is more important.
I can’t speak for those who are the violators, the rapists. You, I don’t understand and won’t pretend to understand why you would inflict pain (and here’s the thing, if you are reading this and you have been the cause of pain, the attacker, then perhaps there’s hope for you yet. You still need your own system of finding forgiveness and your healing from childhood events (I guess), which starts with humbling yourself to the Lord.
At any rate, share. Share when, and if you’re ready. (Forgive me if this sounds like a PSA,) but as this is your choice, I can promise that when you do, you will be in a place where you can listen sympathetically to others without falling victim to your own experience, dealing with picking up the pieces from the past, to live in the present.
With love and respect,
Shakira Arikah Baly-Jensen
and I think he said it best…
I remember this time of the year being so difficult on so many levels; the thought and stress of the hustle and bustle of arranging to see family, customers AND co-workers at work, the endless commercials of gifts I could not only not afford, but had no vision in seeing myself out of the chokehold I was in emotionally to picture myself enjoying such gifts, and then the loneliness of the Holidays. I don’t know, with all the romantic movies, seeing couples cuddling and bundled up, for some crazy reason, it seemed that no matter if I did have a boyfriend earlier in the year, by winter, he was gone. One after a pathetic other – (ughhh!) Trust me, I was getting better at secretly learning which friend’s parent’s home I could party at who kept the alcohol flowing, just to drown the emptiness, but it never solved the pain.
But funny, sitting here right now to try to choose who to write this about, it’s laughable that my heartache lasted only as long as the season and I remember the feelings of being hurt INSTEAD of the guy!
But for the sake of the title, and really learning how to get over the Ex, I’ll call my ex “Barry” – a compilation of the past romances
- When Barry #1 and I ended it, I was the last to know – I didn’t know that he actually used me then decided to deny ever being in a relationship with me – HOW I GOT OVER? At the time, I allowed myself to cry – but I gave myself a time limit.
- When Barry #2 and I ended it, it was because I wanted marriage and he wanted to continue living together – HOW I GOT OVER IT? I was getting stronger by this time, and realised I was worth marrying
- When Barry #3 and i ended it, he was immature in age and emotions and took the ring back twice – HOW I GOT OVER IT? I became my best fan and stood with my head held high.
- When Barry #4 (and …I better stop here) and I ended it, he never told me it was over and he would sleep with other women while we dated and that he would leave town without telling me – only to come back to expect me waiting for him – HOW DID I GET OVER IT? – lol, actually, after praying that he would wise up and come back to me, I wanted him to see how happy I was with my new life, new family – and I did, however, I didn’t see him when I was still in revenge mode. I saw him (in public, by chance) when I let go and forgave. And I was laughing and playing with my daughter and husband.
How did I have to get over the ex?
- I had to allow myself to grieve, but set a time limit (only after work, while watching Golden Girls or some comedy to keep my feel good hormones flowing freely) for about 2 to 3 hours.
- NO pictures, gifts, etc. (except if I just liked the gift itself) survived if my heart was attached to it by thinking of him
- I had to NOT initiate contact (why have them call me psycho?) – so no texting, calling, hanging out at their work, but I did mentally put myself there and knew I’d get the last laugh.
- I had to share with trusted friends and LAUGH!
- I had to journal what I learned about myself and about the relationship and what I would or would not do in the next one
- I had to go out and smile knowing that not all (guys/ you can insert girls, too) were jerks and I shouldn’t put the emotions I had from one relationship on the shoulders of a new potential friendship
- I matured and decided that abusing alcohol was not the answer
I hope this help you. You’re not alone, regardless what you think. you will get stronger and over it, and you’re a hero for getting up again and believing your love is out there!
If you need to talk or want to join the Two Hearts Secret Group Conference Call, just go to http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking and post that you’d like to be added to the group.
The call is an interactive accountability call where we are going over the 40-day Love Dare Journey, where singles and couples alike, are preparing themselves and their minds to give the love necessary to maintain a loving and lasting relationship.
If you’d like to join, call at 7am CST/8am EST
Conference dial-in number: (805) 399-1000
Participant access code: 205919
Playback number: (805) 399-1099 (access # above) (though, tomorrow will be more an as requested/needed call)
The Two Ships app is still under way is expected to be released in 2015.
Love, Peace, and respect to all,
Shakira Arikah Baly
I, ______________________ believe that my perfect significant other is now with me.
I vow that today I will concentrate my thoughts for 30 minutes saying a small prayer of his or her day.
I understand that my perfect significant other will be the exact person I truly believe of myself, therefore I will spend 30 minutes per day, allowing myself to evolve to be the type of person I need to be, to be in a loyal and loving committed relationship/marriage.
This includes being quick to forgive and listen, and being slow to anger and to speak.
I will understand before I try to be understood.
I will master the art of laughter and finding humor in things.
I will care for my body, mind, spirit and health, and present myself as the best me I can be, just as I expect my other to present him or herself as the best he or she can be.
I understand that from overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks, so I hereby vow to find the best in situations.
I vow that voids and heartbreak from past relationships are filled before my significant other comes into my life as a relationship.
I understand that I can not nor will not ever change a person, so the relationship I am in is one where I take responsibility for my own actions and my perfect significant other takes responsibility for his/her actions.
I understand that before my significant other will appear, I will have these promises to myself in order and practiced with full faith.
I am clear in my desired goals and my significant other matches those same goals.
I understand love is an action word and not based on emotions, but choices.
I understand I CHOOSE to be patient when I say I love my other, I Choose to be kind and not boastful or envious or easily angered. I choose to be gentle and encouraging, protecting and believing, always hoping, and never failing my other person.
I no longer feel the need to search for my other because my other is present and here, however will be revealed when both of us are able to appreciate each other – without any manipulation from me or him/her. Therefore I pray over my significant other that obstacles be moved from both us, strength is restored, and protection from harm.
The actions I do today are with the mindset of my perfect other and are more positive actions to strengthen our bond for the day we meet and build together. As we build together, I will always hold true these vows, and will respect, honor, love, and cherish my perfect other as my partner does the same.
I sign this vow, repeat it daily and commit it memory.
**************************************************<3 ❤ *******************************
If you would like to join our Two Hearts Offline Secret Conference Call group:
- 1.) like the Facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking and put SCG on the page
- Friend request me (www.facebook.com/arikah.nash.5) and message me
- (The group is Secret and cannot be found otherwise. )
- Conference call is set early in the morning, however the recording can be listened to until the next day.
The conference call is The group where in confidence (discretion) and respect, callers from our phone call can share, post, strengthen and encourage each other in finding love, being content with their singleness, or get ideas to improve their own relationships. This group is an action group/ group therapy-type setting, which allows for those who seriously desire to be with their significant other to take active steps towards doing so, or to encourage those build a solid, loving and loyal foundation. (That is my mantra)
Today – Know and Believe, you’re Never Alone
Love you in Spirit!
S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking, Two Ships Dating App
As I was reflecting on services to extend I was curious if you the readers would be interested in having a conference call dedicated to all those who seek loving relationships.
The Monday-Friday call (an hour maximum) would consist of positive encouragement, insight, and reading from some of the successful books out there on the market. The last 30 minutes would be dedicated to you the callers input. It would be recorded for those to listen to until the following morning.
I had this idea from my morning success, mastermind call, “Think and Grow Rich.”
I’m planning on starting this call on Monday November 17th at 7am Central time. (I know! That’s early for me too! However with dedication, you will soon see results in your lives (and I also learn, too!)
I’ll have to look to see which book to read from!
Let me know your thoughts! But regardless, you’ll find the call-in number below. For the playback, use the Access code.
|Dial-in Number:||(805) 399-1000|
|Playback Number:||(805) 399-1099|
Love, Peace, Respect
Shakira “Arikah” Baly-Jensen