My last post was more of a secular nature speaking more to the mindset in finding THE one. Now I want to discuss the diminishing art of quieting our soul and spirit to allow ourselves to recognize our chosen one.
In our mad dash to beat our biological clocks and growing loneliness, it is all too easy to become so distracted and overwhelmed with the non-stop clammer in daily lives, that somehow in all that, we expect to magically find our perfect partner. But realistically, how can we? How can we recognize the difference between that “nice guy/girl” and our chosen life partner?
I want to encourage everyone reading this post, if you’re single or in a relationship that’s going no where or one that just drains you, I encourage you to begin practice by turning off all media; i.e phones, tv, any social media, computers (start off with 10 minutes and maybe increase to 30 minutes)….
and imagine yourself in a throne room.
This isn’t just any throne room – it’s the Higher Power, God’s throne room, who made you and knows your heartbeat. The One that knows your secret desires, failures, injustices, and accomplishments and loves you with an unchanging, faithful love. Imagine being in the Presence and asking, “Who is my Love?”
For those of you who don’t believe in God, I promise trying this exercise, or simply meditating with that question out there, will serve as equalling benefitting.
The point is allowing ourselves to find that answer without distraction and with intentional focus. That’s one where friends, family, media, horoscopes or professionals CAN’T answer for you. And then answering the question who ever told you you would never find love?
But that’s just the first part.
The second and most important part is sitting patiently, waiting and listening for the answer.
And knowing and believing that you will get the answer. This is usually the most difficult part because this takes time, and in world of “I wanted it yesterday,” we tend to find ourselves seeking out and settling for the wrong choice for us or doubtful that love will ever come our way, which usually leads to our losing our joy from the heart – despair. The hard lesson we must learn, among many other things, is that when our minds are calm and settled enough, we will receive the answer because now we have trained our inner ears to hear. At this time, it is also wise to understand that perhaps your chosen one is still prepping for you! I’ll say until I’m old and gray, if I had met my husband earlier than I did, not only would I not have recognized him to be the one I would devote myself to, but I wouldn’t have appreciated him like I do. Sometimes the waiting isn’t for you to be ready, but that your one is ready.
From there it is up to you to take the next step.
Our next post will be “Training on Finding Love – ‘The Karate Kid’ Way.”
I wasn’t exactly sure which of the topics to choose as February proved to be a very busy month for me, I think it’s best to continue to talk about developing a healthy relationship.
After speaking with a few clients, a common thread I came across often was being asked the questions about being attracted to an “opposite” person versus finding someone who “too much like them.”
“Should I find someone who is unlike me?”
“Maybe we’re too much alike and won’t get along.”
In all fairness, though, it’s important to know what IS your opposite.
It’s also important to keep in mind that ‘opposites that attract,’ on a deep core level, never guarantee that they will stay together.
I usually answer this question by describing to them, that those that share the same core values – down to how they believe communication between them as a couple should be conducted – is one that promises a lasting, thriving relationship.
It’s common to find relationships that start with frustration occur because one is ‘healthy’ (in terms of giving and receiving love) and the other is lost, confused, and toxic – but is attractive or alluring enough to convince the healthy person that they are capable of love (which usually only amounts to carnal, erotic lust).
However, I am seeing more of a trend with singles – Christian and otherwise – who are desperately looking for love, so much so that they don’t even realize they’ve lost the joy of just dating. I reminded one of my clients that interrogating a date on the first two dates is too soon to put them in the category as a prospect. Until that person has proven themselves – in the little things you’ve noticed (when they don’t know you’re watching – but not staring) those things that you truly admire, relate to, understand, and allows for a safe, trusting atmosphere where both of you can be vulnerable, open and intimate with before sex is brought into the picture, then and only then will you understand and be grateful that like attracts like. Does that makes sense? You will attract the best version of yourself. If you are attracted to bad boys, and by bad, I mean the philanderer, the one with rage, abusive, disrespectful – if that is your cup of tea, understand what you are reflecting is also toxic, and you will never change him.
If you’re attracted the women who seem like they are the ‘damsel in distress’ (pretty much victim-minded), you will find that you will be in competition with herself and her reasoning as to why she doesn’t deserve you, how she likes the bad boys, and how not only how she has done many things, but more than that, how many people have tortured her. I’m not in any way belittling anyone who has been victimized and hurt by the actions of others, I’m simply saying that those same women are not for you because they are not at their best self. And regardless of what they say, if this describes them, they will never fully reach their best self in a relationship. Is that the opposite you’re referring to? I had to remind another inquirer that, until she can appreciate the love he was wanting and ready to give, she hasn’t earned the place in his heart to be wondering if she is the one and asking what he should do.
I know that no one wants to be alone. I think, however, many times people make up excuses to be with the ‘wrong for them person that they don’t realize at the time’ just to fulfill sexual desires and cover the void they may feel, and so these ‘opposites attract’ sayings give rise. It’s only after the person is hurt deeply from their choices that they finally understand that maybe they should rethink that saying.
Remember these points to find your “like”
RELAX – You’ll never really know if you two are in sync until you realize to just allow a date to just be a date. Don’t be quick to qualify the person.
Start small conversation with others
GO OUT. If it’s to the park, a coffee shop, the library, anywhere there is people,
Be intentional to at least try to converse and compliment two people of the opposite gender (regardless your preference). This will get you out of your shell and go beyond ‘just prowling’ or waiting to be picked up.
Practice asking people out for a quick lunch or coffee
DO NOT SINGLE OUT ANY ONE PERSON as THE one until
You are able to do something that would guard their heart from being hurt from rushing too quickly into a relationship with you, i.e. if you go out on dates and you know the other does not be honest and share in the beginning.
It is absolutely apparent not only to you on a deep gut level but this person has openly shared they want to exclusively be with you.
Before moving on to the exclusivity, it is DIRELY recommended that both of you take a ‘Dating Gauge’ type test. I offer this service to clients where both take a confidential compatibility date to make sure both of you have the same goals and intentions for the relationship. I cannot stress enough how much this has helped from potential disasters from happening. Email anyone on staff at email@example.com or me personally at firstname.lastname@example.org. “Like” us at http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking
Love and Peace,
S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking and Two Ships
This year, I want to ask of you a huge favor – PLEASE pass it on to your “seeking, lovesick” friend that just because he/she had sex with that hot (or even average looking) person twelve times already within the past five nights, that doesn’t equal “love.” A sex life comparable to rabbits maybe, but not love.
That just because your friend knows where ticklish spots are and can name all the moles, tattoos, and hair on that person’s body, that doesn’t mean they were meant for each other.
That just because the two like long walks on the beach, like to travel, enjoy a dinner and movie, dancing, or volunteering at their local church doesn’t mean they qualify as the couple that will be there for each other when (not, “if”) the storms of life in relationships occur.
Please help them to minimize heartache and heartbreak (there’s a slight difference) this year by helping them to call it what it really is – an enjoyable time with another person that wasn’t meant to be longer than 3 months. (Even though I was being really generous there, I’ll even venture to say 6 months.)
Yep, Lust has a time limit.
Why? Because even the most ‘surface-y, superficial’ person is fearfully and wonderfully made and deeply desires unconditional love. This goes even deeper and beyond “loving” someone past warts, unwanted hair, bad breath and bad cooking. This is where your core beliefs, which usually are established from your childhood, come and take a life of their own.
I’m going to share this in terms of a marriage.
For example, a newly married couple (anything under 4 years) are having a hard time seeing eye-to-eye about what it means to express and demonstrate their love. He, being straight-laced and quiet, believes when he sends her text messages professing his love, he is showing her love daily. She, more gregarious and lively, believes he needs to plan dates, wine/dine and woo her, every weekend. He was raised that the husband provides a roof and try to lighten the stress of the wife and be the “Head servant,” however when asked what that word meant to him, he admittedly answered he didn’t know. She was raised with the belief that marriage could fail at any time, so husbands must fervently tend to the marriage. At least when the wife is tending the family and home.
Both confess to love each other, but really, how they decide to handle the above situation is what will strengthen or destroy their relationship. How can I say that? Well, it all goes back to how they view one thing, the core belief – what marriage means to both of them.
Let’s be real here. More and more, people are becoming anti-marriage, but it’s not because it doesn’t work. Some marry, I’m told, because there are tax breaks and benefits. Some marry to escape their environment or circumstance. As a matter of fact, I could be here naming off a few for a bit, so I’ll just make this into a list and you tell me if these ‘marriages’ are based on terms that are lasting.
– to spite another person,
– to inherit material items
– to control another person
– to ensure loneliness doesn’t come in their lives
– to make headlines
– to have what they think as non-stop sex
– to have someone home waiting for them, (and add to this one, while they are with someone else)
– to “lock in” playful and fun times with another person
– to give their children a parent
– to have a live-in babysitter, and/or maid
– to beat their biological clock
– to prove they are worthy
– to have children
– to keep up with religious standards and timeframes
– to keep up with secular timeframes and standards
– to ensure someone will always be in agreement with however or whatever they decide to live their lives
– to have the “daddy” or “mommy” they never had
What’s so scary is that, I am sure, you as the reader, can think of other reasons to add to the above list.
These days are and will be more difficult to find true love on the fly. My point is simply this: until a person, who truly wants a committed and loving relationship, can be real with what his or her owns reasons are for feeling ready for a committed relationship, that person will only get non-serious, non-committed people. No matter how much your friendloves that wart on that cutie’s back or the bunion on that beauty’s foot. A person has to ask him or herself, and be able to answer, the hard questions of what he or she truly believes.
Next week’s blog, Some Core Belief / Value Questions that MUST be Answered to Have and Find a Successful Relationship. (I’ll probably shorten the title.)
Tell your friend to read my blog and to send questions if I can help. Or, you can for yourself. Remember it’ll be my opinion, but it’ll always be your ultimate choice to take the advice – just like for your friend when you see him or her get into relationships that you can see from a mile away a heartbreak is inevitable, and when it does, your friend throws out the whole idea of love with the bath water. Until the next time, and so the cycle continues.
Love is more than this and can be found and savoured. Only the wise (not the smart – but wise and yes, there is a difference) find it, and once it’s found, it’s rich, juicy, and everlasting.
I’ve seen it too many times to not believe that. I’ve been promised that from my Maker to not believe Him. And, although my husband and I have our own take displaying our love, I’m happy to say we’re living it.
: Want to have a FREE month of my personal matchmaking service and lots of great gifts? There are two contests going on found on http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking. 1.) Sign up and buy the month service for an already deep discount before the 16th and be placed in the drawing for an extra month, and/or, 2.) post your own most creative 30 second video of YOUR definition of Love. Those videos with the most “likes” wins! (no porn, nudity, or videos in poor taste will be accepted. It’s too bad I have to put that, but again, that’s the world we live in. Keep it clean!)
Love, Peace, and Happy Dating to you!
Shakira “Arikah” Baly-Jensen, Founder Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking and Two Ships Dating App
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