Category Archives: Lust vs. Love

Ladies, Back Off – This Scammer, I mean, Hottie – is Mine

 

You know, I could have titled this, “Ladies, Why Are We Keeping This Guy In Circulation??” but decided that perhaps showing you how to prevent from being scammed by online romances, you’d enjoy and even learn more about how this guy operates, by reading my interaction with him, and perhaps, give this man some peace knowing, you’re not making it easy for his (handsome) pictures to be used again.

But first, let me share a few facts about him/this picture that I know so far:

  • These pictures were hacked by the scammer(s).  This interaction is NOT the man in the picture.  Trust me, myself and the 2,000+ women who was contacted with these pictures wish with ALL OUR MIGHT that it was him. Aside from being just beautiful to look at, he is also presented as classy, romantic, and everything a woman could want. (Good listener, rich and ready to travel with you, sending roses, talking with you, etc)
  • He, (The Scammer, which from here until otherwise noted) has approached women on Match.com, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  I was approached on Instagram.
  • The pictures have been in circulation since 2012.
  • His aliases include, Malcolm, Evan (on Linkedin), Michael (on Facebook), Chris (Match.com), Jason (on Instagram). My guy’s name was Jason.
  • He gets more clever, for the next victim, every time the current victim ‘corrects’ him on something weird.
  • According to scam sites that detail these pictures, the scammers come from Ghana or Nigeria.
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  • He is never able to do a video chat and his camera never working.
  • Says he’s an avid football fan.
  • He asks you for Amazon gift cards, Itunes, Moneygram, or Western Union to help 1.) save his business, 2.) help his ‘daughter’
  • Says he lives and works in Los Angeles – lol, for those who live in LA, wait until you see the address he gave to his HOUSE..
  • Gave a social security number, which, worry not, I already reported to the police for possible fraud activity.
  • He is always a widow and since 2016, has a 5-year-old – still to this day.
  • He asks you to open a PayPal, Verizon or AT&T account, which has your social security number and bank information, to help him.  He didn’t accept the Paypal account I opened in his name, with the social he gave me. He played dumb, and so was I
  • He worked like clockwork on a schedule, always saying when he was eating, walking his dog, bathing his ‘daughter’, eating steak – he was so good, I was questioning and doubting even myself.
  • Even though you are talking to one scammer, other women are also talking to other scammers, using the same pictures, because, well, if ain’t broke…(hopefully, this blog breaks it)
  • He tries to get the victims off the site he met them as quickly as possible, using either email or a disposable, prepaid phone with either a LA number or Houston number.
  • There is a forum of women, heartbroken or angry, about how they were duped by him (the con-artists)

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Understand, I share this for two reasons – 1.) To make public these pictures so the scammers can finally leave him alone, and 2.) I can come to a full resolve by sharing how easy I was duped while at a vulnerable moment, perhaps saving other women, years from now.

You see, he called me wifey. He wooed me, and, after a few months, we made had wild, passionate online sex. I even sent him nudes (sure,  later he used to extort me. I laughed and offered pictures with better lighting – I was so shaken up and angry. I’ll share more later.) He and I broke up and got back together MANY times. He claimed our love was destined by God.  He even helped me with figures of my business while I was doing taxes, (though I don’t remember him speaking of his taxes at all). But we prayed together. He took me church with him and his daughter.  Funny how I was able to detach for my clients and do the background search for them when I was a matchmaker, but neglected to do it for myself.  The divorce took a toll on me.

He was one of my biggest fans. But when I shared that I was coming out to LA, he questioned me.  I always knew the flags were there, that this was a fantasy, but I yearned for that bond, the intimacy and fantasy he provided me. I was hooked.

But every time I get weak, I read the texts where he blames me for his mental illness recurring; the urging for me to open a Verizon/At&t account and give him the passwords; the narcissistic accusations that I’m not helping his business with my mistrust of him, and not doing as he asked of me.

Our text interaction will perhaps be in the book, entitled, What if F**ks Are All You Have to Give?

 

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FWB ????

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Recently, I’ve been helping match a male client out in Oshkosh, WI – which hasn’t been easy especially since more and more eligible women who make known they are looking, say they don’t want anything serious (especially since some are already married), but they are advertising themselves to be a ‘friend with benefits.’

Help me out, What’s the benefit, here?

  1. Sex, where money isn’t directly exchanging hands
  2. Companionship, where the money may not exchange hands, but better make many, many appearances.
  3. Secrecy (out of guilt or shame if exposed)
  4. More of a risk (in ways) because the person can’t commit
  5. They’re advertising, for crying out loud
  6. Perhaps addiction is prevalent? (sexual or relationship)

And why were people scared, appalled, and even suicidal when the Ashley Madison site was hacked? What’s the difference?  Weren’t they a ‘friend with <the above listed> benefit?’

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But why are the sayings, ‘there aren’t any good (men/women) out there to love,’ and ‘Love is meaningless’ a surprise? Why do these same people want someone who is kind, patient (with them), loyal, self-controlled in many areas, and ‘non-judgemental’ (towards their actions)?

These are truths that only the individual can answer, but I wanted to look a bit further about the ‘Friends with Benefit,’ scenario.

  1. As exciting as the sex is the first two and half months, by the third month, you will want one of two things;
    1. more of a relationship and not a be a booty call – (but the other ‘friend’ won’t,) or
    2. To End it
  2. The person will be unavailable or just not able to love you the way you feel loved, when you really want to give more of yourself intimately with someone you trust.
  3. The Trust Factor will be tested
  4. You assume that the person would be careful to not catch an STD, since you’re not the only ‘friend’ having ‘benefits’ with the person
  5. You assume the person would at least tell you BEFORE you ever have sex (and be honest with you) that they don’t have an STD
  6. You assume this ‘friend’ wouldn’t selfishly sleep with you when they knowingly have an STD.
  7. The friend wouldn’t be available when you want him/her because they’re out ‘not being tied down to you or any relationship, but making new ‘friends.’
  8. More expectations will be demanded of you, or the ‘friend’ that neither are able or willing to reach
  9. The hope of finding something more worthwhile with someone is slowly being chipped away.

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Wow..Now what’s the difference in benefits between this and just paying for prostitutes?

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Even though the future also sees more people moving towards simulated/robotic ‘friends,’ I can assure you, when a person starts being a person that they would want to share their forever with, their eyes will be opened in the sense of not wasting time with those who offer ‘benefits,’ because they will have the real thing.

The full loathes honey, but to the poor, even what is bitter tastes sweet.

A counselor I went to one time told me this old proverb. After seeing the puzzled look on my face, he further explained:

“Those who were filled up with love when they were children and given a sense of who they are, don’t need the sweet talking words of someone will come along and ‘charm them.’ But those who lacked this and was always yearning to fill that void, if they walk past a construction site and get whistled, that fulfills some inner void of acceptance within them that wasn’t filled.”

Yep, I was offended, because I was ‘the poor.’

But the only way I could change that was to start with my truth (I wanted love and was willing to accept anything just to feel loveable) so I could get to the truth (Because I have a God who loves me more than I can imagine, I deserve more than the insecure, non-commitment losers who only wanted to have sex with me and nothing more. He showed me I was worth dying for, and the plans laid out for my life are to prosper me and give me a hope and future.)

And while it’s easy to say, ‘whatever works for you,’ believe me, I’ll take the comfort of knowing that my FRIEND stands by his vow to love in sickness, health, and in good days, and days when my deep ugly inside show. And that I can kiss on the mouth without hesitation, and have cuddle moments, and have our times when we just say, “You know, I’m so proud/grateful of/for all you do. I love you so much!”

I invite you to reconsider, just food for thought, that a FWB is really a SWD (sucka with drama).

Why don’t you contact us here to help you find your one?  Each applicant is regarded with respect on a case by case basis. Feel free to share on Facebook to those you think this can help – according to the recent bug, I get lots of views, but even more is better! 😉

Exhale.

For your Peace of Mind,

Your Relationship Coach

Is This Growing Trend in Marriage Working?

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Yesterday, while driving home listening to the radio, the DJ mentioned that there is a growing trend on married couples nowadays – happily, living apart from each other. Like thousands of miles apart.  The couple he referred to had one living in New Zealand, the other in the United Kingdom and she was happily pregnant. He didn’t say anything about the duration of time apart, but, from how he was segueing into the topic, the couple each had a home, signed a contract, and figuratively speaking, happily went their separate ways.  My mind, almost automatically, went first to, “Is it his?” to, “Is he military?” and then, was searching for a way this equaled happiness among married couples.  I had arrived home by then, and didn’t stay to hear the listeners’ call-in response, so this is a question still left unanswered to me.

This morning, I tuned into a preacher’s sermon and he mentioned how he had been told by fellow believers and members in his congregation, that God had given these individuals “signs” to prove that they needed to get a divorce.  He emphatically stated, “Let me be clear, God is NOT giving anyone signs for divorce…”

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Different Strokes for different folks, yes, I get that, but I guess why I’m having a hard time understanding the choices the above individuals are making, is because I have come to the understanding that marriage is an outward display to show others what patience, kindness, encouragement, trustworthiness, is supposed to look like towards another human being. All relationships do this in some way, but this is one where a stranger, not joined by blood, must connect with another and be these things to each other. I have personally watched and (unbeknownst to them) studied couples, (when I didn’t believe in marriage and what it represented,) and have seen them, not be envious, but supportive, protective, and bring out the best in each other.  They were the ones who gave me a shred of hope.

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You see, whether or not a person likes it, they’re being watched (I’m not even talking about Big Brother or Alien Life Forms here), I’m saying closer to home.   A person may think that when they finally decide to be exclusive to another person, it is based on their personal happiness, but it’s not.  I think there’s a part inside each of us that watches and hopes that person, those two people who seem so happy at the moment,  has this “love thing” figured out to give us hope.  And every time a marriage ends, a little part of our hope dies.

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During the days when I was an unbeliever in marriage, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore were my hope that even Hollywood could have stars maintain a healthy marriage.  To say I was crushed to see the tabloids at the checkout line, of their breakup, was an understatement.  I thought to myself, if they couldn’t do it, and they seem like two really nice people, why try?

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After that, I saw the trend.

Every time Hollywood gets too involved in a married couple’s business, (or, a married couple are a little too out there in their marriage), I’ve noticed that it adds another chink in their armor.  The armor they vowed each other to protect, regardless if they mentioned God, or not.  It is implied that, in all the world, this one person standing next to you will be one who you can proudly and confidently say, “we finally found each other!” as the definitive statement and not a question.

I lovingly put these questions out there, not just to the readers, but to myself; when inside, I’m gnawing with frustration toward my own husband; sometimes audaciously, other times legitimately – What is it that you want? When will you ever be satisfied? And, why must the other person “get it,” but you expect to have grace when you mess up and fall short? Ugh..

I’m glad to say that my eyes at that point began shifting upward.  I began to understand that there were two school of thoughts about the human definition of “love” (regardless of language). Of course, there’s eros (sexual, physical love) , phileo (brotherly love)  and agape (unconditional love), but in regards to our heart, we want agape.  We know we want and deserve someone who is forgiving and patient with us.  We know when we’re misunderstood by that one person, we feel a million miles apart from our own heart.  We know how it’s suppose to feel – because when we don’t get it, we notice.  But how is it suppose to look?  It’s so rare, and we feel as though we’re the only ones struggling to get it right. Perhaps that’s why we look at other relationships so closely.

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That’s why I am passionate about helping others find peace within themselves so they will seek out relationships that have the foundations set to mutually be solid, loving, peaceful, and lasting. And in the same the home. Consider this a sign to be encouraged.
Want to see if you and your honey are truly compatible, or find areas to work on?  Contact us here.

Love, Peace, Hugs, and Respect,

Arikah

The Adulteress, Promiscuous, Whore, and Prostitute

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The legal experts and Pharisees (the super religious leaders)  brought a woman caught in adultery. Placing her in the center of the group, they said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of committing adultery. In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone women like this. What do you say?” They said this to test him, because they wanted a reason to bring an accusation against him. Jesus bent down and wrote on the ground with his finger.
They continued to question him, so he stood up and replied, “Whoever hasn’t sinned should throw the first stone.”Bending down again, he wrote on the ground. Those who heard him went away, one by one, beginning with the elders. Finally, only Jesus and the woman were left in the middle of the crowd.
Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Is there no one to condemn you?”
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She said, “No one, sir.”
Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on, don’t sin anymore.”  – Jesus, John 8:3-11
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This was my favorite passage that started my own journey to freedom – knowing that for everything I did, I was forgiven and free from shame by my Creator and Lord.  This was how I started to be sane again to recognize health in relationships. It was a journey, but I’ve arrived. Praise him.
Abiding in God through Repentance – here .

The Right Way and Wrong Way to Chase Him

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True story.

A long time ago, I had a very good friend who found Jesus the same time I did.  We understood heartaches, trauma, and overcoming.  We were like peas in a pod and really didn’t think of looking at each other in any other way but  through a platonic friendship.

But one evening, when we were sitting in his car after a bible group meeting, I remember (vaguely, but I do remember some things), crying about feeling unloved and unattractive to men.  I poured my heart out to him and being the good friend he was, he listened.

Then he said , “Shakira, one day you’re going to find a man and he’s going to be lucky to have you. He’s going to love you and you’ll see you’re worth it!”

Well, and if you didn’t know where I was going with this, I immediately thought he was talking about himself, so suddenly, the “scales fell from my eyes” and I started to like him. A lot.  I mean…… – a lot.  And unfortunately, it was one sided. Yep, I took words from a friend and made them – no, molded and forced them to be something they werent.

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As a matter of fact,  I told everyone in church he was going to marry me and be mine.  I told God (bwahah) that he was husband and to go ahead and make it happen.  I remember calling him in the middle of night one night to say something (important to me, but really drama!) and hearing him say, “Shakira, you’re scaring me. Are you drunk?”

UGHHHH!

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“OH, he WILL marry me one day!”

Ok, lesson learned – friendship forever ruined.  WRONG WAY – FAIL! Bye Felicia! …

A few years later, I went to live on the other coast and attended the singles group.   All the women were very close knit and comfortable and secure with the men to go out on dates, hang out and just be friends.  A new guy came in to the mix and all us women were checking him out.  He was sweet and attractive and fun.  He and I went out on a date which was at the gymnasium he taught at and it consisted of jumping in a pit of foam balls. IT WAS CRAZY FUN!!  But I didn’t really pursue him. In fact, another friend of ours in the group had her eyes on him and in so many words made clear that she was going after him.  I don’t remember her carrying on like I did, but I do remember it just being implied.  I think because we all loved each other, the women rallied around her to encourage it to happen. We prayed over her (and him unbeknownst).  I remember her doing little things for him, giving baked gifts to him.  They went out on a few dates and during that time I moved again.  The next thing I knew there were wedding announcements.  They are still together with two kids and are strong for each other.

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Both of us women are Christians, but I believe her maturity spiritually, socially, and mentally allowed her to not speak about her conquest before getting counsel, prayers, and confirmation.  I simply stated what I wanted and set about to loudly make him love me – which is why I put that picture above. That’s probably how I came across.  My friend, on the other hand, was able to control her emotions enough to not question him, but get to know him and stay in prayer.  Her friends, who she trusted, gave her great advice and served as her sounding board.

Many women over 28 – no, 35… no 43,… ok 50, swing in the pendulum of all or nothing.  Either there are no guys around to consider, (many times meaning there’s a bit of loner-ism to them) or they settle for the worst possible choice.

I even had a client who enjoyed her online dating experience because although she did want to marry one day, she wanted to enjoy herself out on a date.  When she finally did meet the man she would later marry, she made the comments of why they were waiting to exchange nuptials.  She proposed to him! Five years later, they’re still married strong.

Why not get a little bold – with self-control?

Yes, I was humiliated, but the awesome news is we’re all married to our chosen ones, without regrets.  Although the friend and I no longer speak, I’m so incredibly grateful he wasn’t the one.  As my own marriage grows and my husband and I get to know each other each day, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Is there anyone you’ve had your eyes on?

Some have resorted to this .   Click and find out if this works for you.

If you want my services go here to go to the site and let me help you find love today!

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Like Attracts Like vs. Opposites Attract

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I wasn’t exactly sure which of the topics to choose as February proved to be a very busy month for me, I think it’s best to continue to talk about developing a healthy relationship.

After speaking with a few clients, a common thread I came across often was being asked the questions about being attracted to an “opposite” person versus finding someone who “too much like them.”

“Should I find someone who is unlike me?”

“Maybe we’re too much alike and won’t get along.”

In all fairness, though, it’s important to know what IS your opposite.

It’s also important to keep in mind that ‘opposites that attract,’ on a deep core level, never guarantee that they will stay together.

I usually answer this question by describing to them, that those that share the same core values – down to how they believe communication between them as a couple should be conducted – is one that promises a lasting, thriving relationship.

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Only on a superficial level. That’s it…
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I know this is Aluna George, I just thought the pic was fitting.

It’s common to find relationships that start with frustration occur because one is ‘healthy’ (in terms of giving and receiving love) and the other is lost, confused, and toxic – but is attractive or alluring enough to convince the healthy person that they are capable of love (which usually only amounts to carnal, erotic lust).

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However, I am seeing more of a trend with singles – Christian and otherwise – who are desperately looking for love, so much so that they don’t even realize they’ve lost the joy of just dating.  I reminded one of my clients that interrogating a date on the first two dates is too soon to put them in the category as a prospect.  Until that person has proven themselves – in the little things you’ve noticed (when they don’t know you’re watching – but not staring) those things that you truly admire, relate to, understand, and allows for a safe, trusting atmosphere where both of you can be vulnerable, open and intimate with before sex is brought into the picture, then and only then will you understand and be grateful that like attracts like.  Does that makes sense?  You will attract the best version of yourself.  If you are attracted to bad boys, and by bad, I mean the philanderer, the one with rage, abusive, disrespectful – if that is your cup of tea, understand what you are reflecting is also toxic, and you will never change him.

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If you’re attracted the women who seem like they are the ‘damsel in distress’ (pretty much victim-minded), you will find that you will be in competition with herself and her reasoning as to why she doesn’t deserve you, how she likes the bad boys, and how not only how she has done many things, but more than that, how many people have tortured her.  I’m not in any way belittling anyone who has been victimized and hurt by the actions of others, I’m simply saying that those same women are not for you because they are not at their best self.  And regardless of what they say, if this describes them, they will never fully reach their best self in a relationship.  Is that the opposite you’re referring to? I had to remind another inquirer that, until she can appreciate the love he was wanting and ready to give, she hasn’t earned the place in his heart to be wondering if she is the one and asking what he should do.

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I know that no one wants to be alone.  I think, however, many times people make up excuses to be with the ‘wrong for them person that they don’t realize at the time’ just to fulfill sexual desires and cover the void they may feel, and so these ‘opposites attract’ sayings give rise.  It’s only after the person is hurt deeply from their choices that they finally understand that maybe they should rethink that saying.

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THIS is the ONLY TRUE time when like does not attract like

Remember these points to find your “like”

  1. RELAX – You’ll never really know if you two are in sync until you realize to just allow a date to just be a date. Don’t be quick to qualify the person.
  2. Smile.
  3. Start small conversation with others
  4. GO OUT.  If it’s to the park, a coffee shop, the library, anywhere there is people,
  5. Be intentional to at least try to converse and compliment two people of the opposite gender (regardless your preference). This will get you out of your shell and go beyond ‘just prowling’ or waiting to be picked up.
  6. Practice asking people out for a quick lunch or coffee
  7. DO NOT SINGLE OUT ANY ONE PERSON as THE one until
    1. You are able to do something that would guard their heart from being hurt from rushing too quickly into a relationship with you, i.e. if you go out on dates and you know the other does not be honest and share in the beginning.
    2. It is absolutely apparent not only to you on a deep gut level but this person has openly shared they want to exclusively be with you.
  8. Before moving on to the exclusivity, it is DIRELY recommended that both of you take a ‘Dating Gauge’ type test.  I offer this service to clients where both take a confidential compatibility date to make sure both of you have the same goals and intentions for the relationship.  I cannot stress enough how much this has helped from potential disasters from happening.   Email anyone on staff at two.hearts2share@gmail.com or me personally at arikahnash@gmail.com.  “Like” us at http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking

Happy Dating!!!!

Love and Peace,

S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking and Two Ships

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Narrowing Your Search (Attracting Your Perfect One)

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Everyone who is pursuing love or, is honestly seeking long-lasting compatible love, it’s very important that they take the time to answer for themselves, questions BEFORE starting a relationship.

Ok, that’s not written in stone, but I can tell you of numerous success stories of those who knew what they wanted for themselves and in their partner when they did take the time to answer some deep questions.  It just saves everyone time.

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Taken from Mohan Kumar’s post http://docmo.hubpages.com/hub/Teaching-and-Assessing-Attitudes

Even companies have a code in which they are built from and what the customer can expect.

There are many attractive, people and some who can charm their way into the lives of unsuspecting love-lorn dreamers, but those same attractive people never make it past acquaintance for those wise ones.

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These are just general questions to consider.  However, it’s VERY important to understand that regardless of your view or lifestyle, how you answer these questions truly do speak volumes in regards to the type of person you attract.

When working with individuals, I ask some of these and more direct individualized questions to properly assist the client.

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  1. What level of commitment are you looking for?
  2. How do you define “being spiritual”?
  3. Do you see yourself as spiritual?
  4. How do you define God?
  5. Do you believe there is a need to have a relationship with a power higher than yourself?
  6. How do you define a committed relationship?

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  1. Do you believe; it’s more important to be ethically sound or morally sound; or both or neither?
  2. What is your personal belief system?
  3. Do you believe your personal beliefs influence the outcome of your romantic relationships?man_in_love_1
  1. What do you believe the role of a husband is or should be?
  2. What do you believe the role of a wife is or should be?
  3. How do you define marriage?
  4. How honest are you, to yourself, in revealing the number of relationships you had being based solely on looks or hook-ups?

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Hopefully this can scratch the surface into your own knowledge of yourself.

In the meantime, as I get over the sniffles, assist clients, and complete the auditions, rehearsals, and shows going on lately, I will be back as quickly as I can to continue this and get you ready to BOLDLY face February with both barrels loaded!

p.s.  My husband and I have awesomely resolved the differences.  Thank you for your comments and support from earlier!

Until later!

S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking and Two Ships

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