Category Archives: Forgiveness

When Marriage Became More Than Paper to Me – Part 1

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The fairy tales that ended with “and they lived happily ever after,” represented some sort of cruel, sick joke to me once I reached my late teenage years.  All around me, and I mean in the tabloids and media, I was seeing people getting divorced for reasons varying from “falling out of love,” financial gain/loss, just not in agreement, and finally infidelity, that I truly didn’t see the point of why two people would even want to commit themselves to each other.

I saw it as a way to further muffle the woman’s voice, who was supposed to be helpless, unassuming, and a domestic demi-goddess to be able to look good and handle the household without complaining.  And since there were always several kids in this kind of family, she was always ready to have sex because she wanted more and more kids. If she was called “self-sacrificing,” that meant she was a martyr that was everything to everyone, whenever and however they needed her.

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I saw it this way until I wanted a relationship.

In the deep abyss of my mind, I, at least, knew the concept of marriage meant a vow to be with the other person for rest of each other’s lives;  to have each other’s backs, and as much as I opposed marriage, I wanted someone to want to vow to be with me for the rest our lives.

As crazy and as wild as my life was, one thing stood true – as I kept chasing after unconditional love in all the wrong places and the wrong people, I really didn’t know how to give the kind of love I wanted, because I didn’t know how to receive it.

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I don’t mean this in other people, because yes, there were some wrong choices there, but there were also some great people out there who cared deeply for me. (That didn’t mean they were “the one”).

In fact, I remember qualifying candidates as “the one” because we got along great and they seemed nice, but until I realized me own pattern, within 3 months, we hit turmoil and usually quickly it was over.

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No, when I say I didn’t know how to receive it, I mean, in a Higher Power kind of way.  (Now before I lose you, let me explain!)

I knew there existed a Higher Power who ‘loved’ me, but in this world, I felt I had to fend for myself.  I had to make a way for myself, provide for myself (even when I was sleeping in my car and eating mayo/sprouts sandwiches), and I definitely had to figure out who can love and accept me with all my imperfections, and many a night I spent in the arms of a new lover trying to find it.  However, I was still quietly suffering from bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. I was raped several times.  I compromised my own dignity in order to have a relationship, more than once. And although I wanted this ‘imaginary perfect person,’ my own measuring stick of qualifying candidates ranged from making excuses for them (saying things like, ‘who am I to judge?’) to they better love me, warts and all – but be easy for me to love.

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Somewhere in there, in my search, I bypassed all the people who were telling me what I should do and I decided to delve further into my knowledge of God – mind you though, that was by happenstance because really I had just prayed, “Ok, God, I have nothing to show for my life, so you can take it now!” (which, by the way means something totally and wonderfully different to God, I believe!) Without meaning to, after being graced with “cords of human kindness,” who wanted to help me without return of favor but out of sheer joy and even protected my dignity, who extended help without my having to perform or just be “on,” but because it was it was on their hearts, really, it was too much for me during this humbling time.  I even prayed that God stop it because I didn’t know how to handle “so much love,” I prayed.  These were people who first showed a love that was one of respect and integrity.  The romantic love had to be on hold during this time, because honestly, I was a mess and still didn’t understand or recognize a love that meant respect for another being in a selfless way. More than that, I didn’t know why anyone would want to do things for the sheer joy of helping someone else.  I was still doing things for others because 1.) It made me feel good in a way where I was a good person to help someone else, meaning that eventually, I would be thanked or recognized in some way – if even cosmically; 2.) I felt I had to and with everyone being a part of a charity, not only could I get a tax break, but be called a philanthropist and 3.) somewhere in me I felt I should do it.  But more times than not, I never intentionally went out of my way to help or love others. And once I became a Christian, Heaven help those that didn’t ‘agree’ with my understanding of God. Regardless, I had enough problems of my own, and didn’t want to involve myself with others – yet, I still wanted a relationship.

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So, in reflecting how marriage became more to me, I believe it came somewhat in this order:

1.) I had to understand the type of Love I wanted – even more than that, the Source, and who really set the standard of the type of Love I yearned for;

2.) I had to demonstrate that love in a way where I did not expect to have it reciprocal, but because I was willing to do so for the sheer joy of it;

3.) I had to learn about boundaries – mine and others, and learn how to respect those.

4.) I had to be open to the concept of forever be forgiving of others and take responsibility without feeling shame when I asked for forgiveness

5.) I studied again the dictionary definition of the word ‘love’ and what the biblical standard of ‘Love’ if, and than set out to see if I could see it demonstrated on a consistent basis between two people who professed their love for each other.

Let me just add, I DID see it! I saw so many husbands loving their wives, while still being ‘men,’ and fathers to their children. I saw their wives stand majestically beside them, respecting them and encouraging them.  I saw it over and over again. I saw how when they were apart from each other, that wasn’t their time to rip apart their spouse and complain of their spouse’s shortcomings. I saw the mutual respect they had for each other to strengthen each other.  I saw them show respect for the vows they made to each other and before God. I witnessed them growing together in their walks with God to impact and encourage others.  Their children were polite and loving.  Trust me, for a moment I thought I was in a bizarro world, but it was right there in Los Angeles – of all places, and then again in Franklin, Tennessee.  Only because I saw it over and again did I believe it was achievable. So I made up my mind that I was going to have that.

(to be continued) – Forcing My Dreams of Marriage to Match My Vision – Part 2

Hugs, Peace, and truly love,

Arikah, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking (www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking)

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Can you relate to this apology video?

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The Adulteress, Promiscuous, Whore, and Prostitute

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The legal experts and Pharisees (the super religious leaders)  brought a woman caught in adultery. Placing her in the center of the group, they said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of committing adultery. In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone women like this. What do you say?” They said this to test him, because they wanted a reason to bring an accusation against him. Jesus bent down and wrote on the ground with his finger.
They continued to question him, so he stood up and replied, “Whoever hasn’t sinned should throw the first stone.”Bending down again, he wrote on the ground. Those who heard him went away, one by one, beginning with the elders. Finally, only Jesus and the woman were left in the middle of the crowd.
Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Is there no one to condemn you?”
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She said, “No one, sir.”
Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on, don’t sin anymore.”  – Jesus, John 8:3-11
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This was my favorite passage that started my own journey to freedom – knowing that for everything I did, I was forgiven and free from shame by my Creator and Lord.  This was how I started to be sane again to recognize health in relationships. It was a journey, but I’ve arrived. Praise him.
Abiding in God through Repentance – here .

Coming Home – Forgiveness Through the Mad Search of Finding Love

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“A certain man had two sons. The younger son said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the inheritance.’ Then the father divided his estate between them. Soon afterward, the younger son gathered everything together and took a trip to a land far away. There, he wasted his wealth through extravagant living, wild parties, drugs, and loose women. 
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“When he had used up his resources, a severe food shortage arose in that country and he began to be in need. He hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. He longed to eat his fill from what the pigs ate, but no one gave him anything. When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired hands have more than enough food, but I’m starving to death! I will get up and go to my father, and say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I no longer deserve to be called your son. Take me on as one of your hired hands.” ’ So he got up and went to his father.
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“While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was moved with compassion. His father ran to him, hugged him, and kissed him. Then his son said, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I no longer deserve to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quickly, bring out the best robe and put it on him! Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet! Fetch the fattened calf and slaughter it. We must celebrate with feasting because this son of mine was dead and has come back to life! He was lost and is found!’ And they began to celebrate.
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“Now his older son was in the field. Coming in from the field, he approached the house and heard music and dancing.  He called one of the servants and asked what was going on. The servant replied, ‘Your brother has arrived, and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he received his son back safe and sound.’ Then the older son was furious and didn’t want to enter in, but his father came out and begged him. He answered his father, ‘Look, I’ve served you all these years, and I never disobeyed your instruction. Yet you’ve never given me as much as a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours returned, after gobbling up your estate on prostitutes, you slaughtered the fattened calf for him.’
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 Then his father said, ‘Son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.  But we had to celebrate and be glad because this brother of yours was dead and is alive. He was lost and is found.’” – Jesus, Luke 15:11-32
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When It’s Ok to Post Your Relationship Drama on Facebook

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This is just a quick interruption to share this ideology about the “being in a committed relationship where the word “love” is passed around and then posting when that same person makes you angry,” syndrome.

Someone very close to me did just this.  Posted her wedding pictures last year, professed to love this woman with her soul -the woman doing the same – and yesterday, she posted a few posts about how although she “knows hate is a strong word, she’s beginning to hate this woman” and then in another post listing a lengthy paragraph of how this woman had no right to involve her facebook friends and so because she did, she would, in turn post her business on her wall.

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She may read this (and to protect her identity, from my readers) and unfriend me, but hopefully not before reading this short post.

Regardless of views, lifestyles, or opinions, in any relationship where the word “love” is exchanged between each person, there has to be an understanding of what respect means.

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We are all human, and we all, not only make mistakes, but naturally, are selfish – which means others will be hurt by our actions, lack of action, and decisions, and/or our indifference, many, many times within our lives (you know, the exact reason Jesus died – oops compelled to throw that in there, since I do believe Jesus died for us when we were at our worst so that we may have a chance to see and be with him in eternity).  We have to work to be the qualities we want from others (kind, patient, gentle, respectful, not envious, etc).

Anyway, back to my… example.  Keeping in mind that we will hurt one another within a committed relationship, it is NEVER helpful to post your drama on Facebook. Ever.

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Yes, I am very emphatic about that.

My mantra is about establishing mutual trust and respect to have a long-lasting loving relationship.   Posting about the dynamics of your relationship so that your ‘friends’ have the opportunity to ‘side’ with you, or fuel the angst, only adds more separation between the very one you claimed to love. (Luckily, enough of her fb friends were urging her to delete the post, but how often do you hear that?)

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This really does seem like common sense, but I’m guessing in the heat of the moment, that’s the only ‘out’ the uncontrolled posting person has.

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A few posts back I posted about the disagreement my husband and I had and how angry we were.  My doing so was intentional – I’m a relationship coach and wanted to share – in the heat of the moment, there will be points when we all have a decision at the fork in the road when we are angry at our significant other, and the choices we make will either build up or slowly chip away at the foundation the couple vowed to have.   I hoped that it helped my readers. Notice that I never posted what the problem was (because I don’t remember!)

There’s so much more I can say on this, but it may drone on for those who will see this as obvious.  PLEASE, for the love of everything good and wonderful, do NOT post your anger or feelings on facebook if you profess to love the other person.

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Here is a free idea for what you can do instead:  Create an email account, when you’re upset, post your anger there.  if you need the reassurance or comments, email me at two.hearts2share@gmail.com, or go to the Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking (www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking)  and request to be put in the secret call group – created specifically for those who need encouragement when they want to vent online about relationship woes.  (Hey, who knows what the Super Bowl parties will bring? Being prepared to maintain your own respect, if not the respect of the one you claim to love, will go further when you’re prepared and not deflated….ok, sorry for that one.)

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Based on the above research no one wants to know your business – and it makes you look like an immature, unstable, angry maniac who is incapable of keeping and maintaining a relationship past the superficial niceties. (p.s. I would never tell my clients that directly – I’ll just save it for here.)

Happy Dating!

S. Arikah Nash Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

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Ok, this had me laughing out loud…

Trouble in Paradise – Amen for Grace

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I wanted to stop and write this during the midst of my own personal storm.   Especially as being a relationship coach, I’m not sure how else to share the authenticity of real relationships and that every one has its storms, but survival is foundationally based on the decisions made long before the relationship is ever in existence.

My husband and I, are right now at the writing of this blog, not seeing eye to eye.  So much so, that he is at one end of the house and I at the other and not speaking.  I can honestly tell you, both of us are hurt.  Both of us had our well-intentioned words or actions we thought would make things better, but they didn’t help.

My natural “normal’ (in terms of how everyone else seems to solve this problem) self wants to throw in the towel, because, hey, why go through drama? Life is too short, right? I could get a nice, quiet divorce, take our daughter, move in with my mom until I get my own place and just go through the visitation process.  I mean, I was so mad today I couldn’t even look at him.  I wanted nothing to do with him.  That’s how mad I was.  And yet, he was also giving exasperated sighs and movements of frustration that I can only imagine he felt the same.  In the midst of it, our two-year old was happily running around the house saying, “hi mom!, hi da-dee!” 20141225_143728_resized

However, friends, I made a vow.  And I made it before the God I believe is the glue between us.

You see, I had a person who emailed me a while back who was considering my services, tell me that my questions seemed too Christian. She said she was not religious but spiritual and wondered if she should considered my service.

But I asked her, what is she basing her core values and beliefs on?  What if she and her partner could not see eye to eye, on grounds will she go on to have the relationship she so desires?  What was it she was looking for in a partner?

I’m not religious either. As a matter of fact, it boggles my mind why people want to fight over trivial things and think that an All-powerful God is going to care – ….well, I’ll just say whatever would make there be six different churches in a two block area, yet still all proclaim to worship God…..I don’t get it.

However, having said, I did, at least came to know of God in a church. Actually, I learned more about Jesus and how he was definitely out of the box.  And that He was God.  And that He died for me, not when I got it right, or when I wasn’t doing the sinning anymore.  He was there with me protecting me from harm as I smoked from the bong.  He protected me when I was stranded in the desert – twice and yelled out at him for being a sadistic god.  He was there continually pouring out Grace and Forgiveness when I showed Him no respect, all the way to today.  He is here with me now as my heart continually gets heavy at the anguish of suffering in the world around me.

Yet, He made me to be a fighter. Call me a rebel, call me weird, but normal just isn’t making it anymore* ( this was from this evening’s service http://www.echochurchnashville.com. Thank you, Brian! Hey, I’ll still share because I don’t know who needs it!) I’m choosing to honor the vow I made to the Lord (first) and then my husband.

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What that means is, no matter what –

– Divorce is not an option – (we both are solid on that)

– Being in control of my emotions and actions will always be before the Lord

– I will invite the Lord into my heart and actions

– even if my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye, I will respect him and his role as head of the household

– I will fight for the sanctity of our marriage and not let anyone, including our child, come in-between us. (we both agree)

You see when we (collectively as people) are like this, it’s important to go back to what you (individually) believe and who you believe.  Just as I believe in an All-Powerful God, I believe He has an enemy of evil.  Yep, I believe there is a devil.  And I believe that whatever God creates, the devil seeks to destroy.  He only seeks it because he has no real power, unless …. well, for now I will say, unless I give him power.

That power is given to him if I heed to his whispering in my ear, “what about you? he doesn’t appreciate you? you know all women has to go through this. If God really loved you, he would’ve given you a man who really knew how to do his role. You do so much. You’re getting bags under your eyes sacrificing for your family, you deserve more.”

Nope. I’m a fighter.  “Never let the culture define your identity,”  and “Never let the devil have the last move.”* (per this morning’s service, http://www.fourthavenuechurch.org, thank you Patrick!)

“Reclaim your identity.”

That cycle of divorce and broken marriages stops with me.  My daughter will benefit from watching two people love each other and know and experience her da-dee’s love in the same household.  She will see how a husband is to love a wife, but even if he isn’t, which he does, she will watch a wife take full responsibility of her part of the vows that she made.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I looked pretty in my dress, but that day means more to me than looking regal.  I am choosing to be regal.

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I am choosing to, wake him up and give him the biggest hug because regardless, I love him.  I am choosing to love him even when I don’t feel like it. Not because of him. I’m not going to stay with him for the sake of our daughter – (ughhh! That’s an annoying excuse – my opinion, though)  I’m going to stay with him and love him because I made a vow before God.  And when it gets tough, when I feel like I can’t give anymore, I’m choosing to make sure God’s Spirit is right there giving me that extra boost to kill my pride and apologize and love my husband. My posting of our happy pictures is to only remind me of the love I have for him and the gratitude that he is one that I don’t have to question his love for me.

For the upcoming blog, I’ll still write of the core value questions so that you can answer them on your own.  They won’t be right or wrong, they’ll be what you truly believe, and then there will be a scale to measure if you are ready for a healthy relationship, will you be able to recognize, attract, and maintain it.

Love you all and thanks for reading.

Love, Peace, and Happy Dating!

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Being a Rape Victim – Should I Share or Not?

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This has everything to do with dating and relationships.

Perhaps this explains my past self-diagnosis of manic depression or panic and anxiety attacks.  Perhaps really I had these unresolved issues haunting me that made it difficult to cope with life, much less relationships.

If you have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse, having piece of mind in the trusting and security can feel never reaching.  If you have been a victim of date rape, or not so much you dated the violator but instead was preyed upon by a predator, the anguish and doubt in ever being loveable, the lack of interest in being affection when you are dating someone, can lead you in a psychological tormented cycle.  And if you are being domestically abuse, the shame you can feel for thinking the fairy tale romance is lost, that if you just did things better, that you are the only person that can understand your love interest, or that you must put up with it to have the children be protected, can feel as though only death can be your best friend at this point.

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Not true, young boys and men can also fall prey to this.

Notice the above did not have any gender specific details.

I decided to write this in light of the recent scandal surrounding Bill Cosby and the celebrities stepping forward to reveal their personal accounts of rape, molestation, and domestic abuse. (And Hollywood’s own sick and perverse way they choose the stars – victims reaching to children, especially boys, included)

It made me think if I should share my own experience of when I was molested as a child by the young son of my mother’s best friend, or losing my virginity to rape, only to be raped again by a different person in a different scenario two years later, again by another in different scenario (college) two years later, then several times after that resulting in a total of 8 separate times in eight separate scenarios – with only the last one in the form of a dating relationship, 14 years ago.

The question came to my mind because as I was watching the news report on Teri Hatcher’s account, and seeing Joan Collins’ experience only a day earlier, I was wondering why I didn’t have the urge to share. I wanted to, really I did, and share my own tears, but the urgency to do so wasn’t beyond grieving with the people stepping forward, instead of my own experience.

I think it’s because my own cycle of healing was made complete. (This is the only thing I think of as the reason).

I’m not sure this was in any particular order, but I do know everything had to happen to move on.

  • I had to keep telling someone until I felt I was heard.   I remember when I called the police for a rape attempt by a neighbor I knew when I was living in AZ. by this time, I had been attacked 7 times already (from college), but I guessed if I was off the campus and far away, things like that wouldn’t happen again.  I was working at a strip club, too, which didn’t help my cause when the unsympathetic cop arrived and saw my bag that had my outfit in it. He didn’t care to hear that I invited the guy in because he was younger than me and was going to college and because I ‘knew’ him, I invited him in to give him last minute tips of college living, when, as he was leaving and saying good-bye, he attempted to overpower me at the door and wasn’t until I calmly said to him that if he proceeded, I’d sue him and his family name for every penny they had (he was related to some famous athlete, but I don’t remember.)  Anyway, I finally decided to report it and that’s when I realized there is a second violation that occurs many times when a rape victim reports it.  So I just told any and everyone who asked me about my private life, purging the anguish on their shoulders.  It wasn’t until I had to harness that purging by joining groups, “Wounded Heart,” ‘Rejoice Always’ (thank You Claudia Cartier wherever you are!) AND counseling AND a sponsor that I felt I was finally being heard – which meant I was finally being validated for the violation that occurred against me numerous times.
  • I had RAGE against God – and I confronted Him about it.  Things happened before I came to the Lord.  I never questioned whether or not he was there, I just didn’t think He was as involved.  I only humored well-intentioned Christians at that time – my beef was with God. The driving factor after I made the decision was that I was going to give Him a piece of my mind.  ‘Wait, what? you want me to follow You and trust You when You weren’t there for me before? You didn’t get it right the first time!’  Everything I felt came out with an almost demonic force of accusations in my journal that it resulted to my checking myself into the Psych ward on Hollywood Blvd, demanding Prozac, which gave me a horrible allergic reaction and caused me to make the decision to just deal
  • I had to keep going back to God until my anger turned into permission to allow Him to heal me.  If you claim to be a believer, I tell you there is hard fact that is claimed in the Wounded Heart book that has its readers following the workbook hurling it, the book itself, and the Bible across the room. I won’t ruin it for you, but I will say that it caused me to stop doing the next thing.
  • If I was going to be with questionable friends, I ALWAYS had a way to leave early, with my own transportation. Which meant I hydrate before I went out and had NOTHING to eat or drink at the party.  I learned in college, the hard way, and unfortunately, many more are learning or will have to learn this important tip.  If I honestly knew my friends were partiers, I had to make the decision to be friend away from the party and the one they called if they needed someone, instead of my being the helpless lamb in the den of lions with them.
  • I had to Stop making my life be about seeking revenge, but start living it.  I was quickly learning that every time afterwards, I would tell myself it wouldn’t happen again, I learned Krav Magna, walked with pepper sprays and told myself it wouldn’t happen – just to have another situation happen.  I remember wanting to seek revenge on all the attackers and with my new pepper spray I even sprayed someone for just saying hello and I didn’t want to talk to him, and the wind blew back and it ended up in my face! I laugh now about that, but perhaps that was analogy of how my own efforts would be to try and track them down, and do whatever to them. Before coming to the Lord, I had once dated a guy who used to rectify situations when his girl friends from college said they were attacked,  and I wanted him to do that to the last guy I was with. My ex-boyfriend (the attacker) had no idea how close he was to finding his young son’s head on his doorstep – just so I could have my justice. Would that have solve anything? Why would his son have to suffer? (That’s how far I had drifted from living and being my true self.)
  • I had to stop calling myself a “victim.”  I’m a survivor.  When I called myself a ‘victim,’  I was helpless.  I was paralyzed with fear. I had no voice and could do nothing.  When I was paralyzed with fear, that’s when another new situation happened (mind you, I was in the environment, too and I desperately wanted a boyfriend, so many things happened because of that deep desire.) But, I made up my mind to re-define ‘victim’ as dead.  I was a survivor. I am stronger, I have a voice and my life does have worth, meaning, and value and no one on this earth is entitled to an explanation of my existence.
  • I had to forgive – not tolerate and not for them, because as far as I knew, they weren’t the ones losing sleep – I was.  I had to allow myself to melt into my Heavenly Father’s hands to begin forgiveness.  In doing so, He even answered the question I posted earlier, ‘Why?’  Because we all are given free choice and many people’s choices, good and bad, affect others.  My staying in rage, paralyzing fear, and unforgiveness only physically hurt me in the end, and impacted the people around me – which has a butterfly effect.  Although it took years (14) to get here, I decided to live healthy because I wanted to love someone and I wanted that person to love me.
  • I had to start listening to my gut and NOT stay if I felt uncomfortable in anyway. Part of my experiences happened because I leave when my gut said to leave.  I stayed, had a drink, and ignored the little voice giving me the warning.

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If you have been violated by rape, (and unfortunately, the likelihood of a majority of the readers having their own story, or know someone is a definite given) the most important thing you can do, after removing yourself from danger is to get yourself to place where you are a ‘survivor,’ and not ‘victim.’  We need your voice. We need YOUR voice. My daughter needs you to be healthy. The young child near you, the person you work with, needs your compassionate ear.  You getting healthy FOR YOU is more important.

I can’t speak for those who are the violators, the rapists. You, I don’t understand and won’t pretend to understand why you would inflict pain (and here’s the thing, if you are reading this and you have been the cause of pain, the attacker, then perhaps there’s hope for you yet. You still need your own system of finding forgiveness and your healing from childhood events (I guess), which starts with humbling yourself to the Lord.

At any rate, share.  Share when, and if you’re ready.  (Forgive me if this sounds like a PSA,) but as this is your choice, I can promise that when you do, you will be in a place where you can listen sympathetically to others without falling victim to your own experience, dealing with picking up the pieces from the past, to live in the present.

With love and respect,

Shakira Arikah Baly-Jensen

and I think he said it best…

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How to Get Over the Ex

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I remember this time of the year being so difficult on so many levels; the thought and stress of the hustle and bustle of arranging to see family, customers AND co-workers at work, the endless commercials of gifts I could not only not afford, but had no vision in seeing myself out of the chokehold I was in emotionally to picture myself enjoying such gifts, and then the loneliness of the Holidays.  I don’t know, with all the romantic movies, seeing couples cuddling and bundled up, for some crazy reason, it seemed that no matter if I did have a boyfriend earlier in the year, by winter, he was gone. One after a pathetic other – (ughhh!)  Trust me, I was getting better at secretly learning which friend’s parent’s home I could party at who kept the alcohol flowing, just to drown the emptiness, but it never solved the pain.

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But funny, sitting here right now to try to choose who to write this about, it’s laughable that my heartache lasted only as long as the season and I remember the feelings of being hurt INSTEAD of the guy!

But for the sake of the title, and really learning how to get over the Ex, I’ll call my ex “Barry” – a compilation of the past romances

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  1. When Barry #1 and I ended it, I was the last to know – I didn’t know that he actually used me then decided to deny ever being in a relationship with me  – HOW I GOT OVER? At the time, I allowed myself to cry – but I gave myself a time limit.
  2. When Barry #2 and I ended it, it was because I wanted marriage and he wanted to continue living together – HOW I GOT OVER IT? I was getting stronger by this time, and realised I was worth marrying
  3. When Barry #3 and i ended it, he was immature in age and emotions and took the ring back twice – HOW I GOT OVER IT? I became my best fan and stood with my head held high.
  4. When Barry #4 (and …I better stop here) and I ended it, he never told me it was over and he would sleep with other women while we dated and that he would leave town without telling me – only to come back to expect me waiting for him – HOW DID I GET OVER IT? – lol, actually, after praying that he would wise up and come back to me, I wanted him to see how happy I was with my new life, new family – and I did, however, I didn’t see him when I was still in revenge mode.  I saw him (in public, by chance) when I let go and forgave.  And I was laughing and playing with my daughter and husband.

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How did I have to get over the ex?

  • I had to allow myself to grieve, but set a time limit (only after work, while watching Golden Girls or some comedy to keep my feel good hormones flowing freely) for about 2 to 3 hours.
  • NO pictures, gifts, etc. (except if I just liked the gift itself) survived if my heart was attached to it by thinking of him
  • I had to NOT initiate contact (why have them call me psycho?) – so no texting, calling, hanging out at their work, but I did mentally put myself there and knew I’d get the last laugh.  no-contact
  • I had to share with trusted friends and LAUGH!
  • I had to journal what I learned about myself and about the relationship and what I would or would not do in the next one
  • I had to go out and smile knowing that not all (guys/ you can insert girls, too) were jerks and I shouldn’t put the emotions I had from one relationship on the shoulders of a new potential friendship
  • I matured and decided that abusing alcohol was not the answer

I hope this help you.  You’re not alone, regardless what you think.  you will get stronger and over it, and you’re a hero for getting up again and believing your love is out there!

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If you need to talk or want to join the Two Hearts Secret Group Conference Call, just go to http://www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking and post that you’d like to be added to the group.

The call is an interactive accountability call where we are going over the 40-day Love Dare Journey, where singles and couples alike, are preparing themselves and their minds to give the love necessary to maintain a loving and lasting relationship.

If you’d like to join, call at 7am CST/8am EST

Conference dial-in number: (805) 399-1000
Participant access code: 205919
Playback number: (805) 399-1099 (access # above) (though, tomorrow will be more an as requested/needed call)

 

The Two Ships app is still under way is expected to be released in 2015.

Love, Peace, and respect to all,

Shakira Arikah Baly

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