Category Archives: Dating advice

FWB ????

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Recently, I’ve been helping match a male client out in Oshkosh, WI – which hasn’t been easy especially since more and more eligible women who make known they are looking, say they don’t want anything serious (especially since some are already married), but they are advertising themselves to be a ‘friend with benefits.’

Help me out, What’s the benefit, here?

  1. Sex, where money isn’t directly exchanging hands
  2. Companionship, where the money may not exchange hands, but better make many, many appearances.
  3. Secrecy (out of guilt or shame if exposed)
  4. More of a risk (in ways) because the person can’t commit
  5. They’re advertising, for crying out loud
  6. Perhaps addiction is prevalent? (sexual or relationship)

And why were people scared, appalled, and even suicidal when the Ashley Madison site was hacked? What’s the difference?  Weren’t they a ‘friend with <the above listed> benefit?’

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But why are the sayings, ‘there aren’t any good (men/women) out there to love,’ and ‘Love is meaningless’ a surprise? Why do these same people want someone who is kind, patient (with them), loyal, self-controlled in many areas, and ‘non-judgemental’ (towards their actions)?

These are truths that only the individual can answer, but I wanted to look a bit further about the ‘Friends with Benefit,’ scenario.

  1. As exciting as the sex is the first two and half months, by the third month, you will want one of two things;
    1. more of a relationship and not a be a booty call – (but the other ‘friend’ won’t,) or
    2. To End it
  2. The person will be unavailable or just not able to love you the way you feel loved, when you really want to give more of yourself intimately with someone you trust.
  3. The Trust Factor will be tested
  4. You assume that the person would be careful to not catch an STD, since you’re not the only ‘friend’ having ‘benefits’ with the person
  5. You assume the person would at least tell you BEFORE you ever have sex (and be honest with you) that they don’t have an STD
  6. You assume this ‘friend’ wouldn’t selfishly sleep with you when they knowingly have an STD.
  7. The friend wouldn’t be available when you want him/her because they’re out ‘not being tied down to you or any relationship, but making new ‘friends.’
  8. More expectations will be demanded of you, or the ‘friend’ that neither are able or willing to reach
  9. The hope of finding something more worthwhile with someone is slowly being chipped away.

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Wow..Now what’s the difference in benefits between this and just paying for prostitutes?

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Even though the future also sees more people moving towards simulated/robotic ‘friends,’ I can assure you, when a person starts being a person that they would want to share their forever with, their eyes will be opened in the sense of not wasting time with those who offer ‘benefits,’ because they will have the real thing.

The full loathes honey, but to the poor, even what is bitter tastes sweet.

A counselor I went to one time told me this old proverb. After seeing the puzzled look on my face, he further explained:

“Those who were filled up with love when they were children and given a sense of who they are, don’t need the sweet talking words of someone will come along and ‘charm them.’ But those who lacked this and was always yearning to fill that void, if they walk past a construction site and get whistled, that fulfills some inner void of acceptance within them that wasn’t filled.”

Yep, I was offended, because I was ‘the poor.’

But the only way I could change that was to start with my truth (I wanted love and was willing to accept anything just to feel loveable) so I could get to the truth (Because I have a God who loves me more than I can imagine, I deserve more than the insecure, non-commitment losers who only wanted to have sex with me and nothing more. He showed me I was worth dying for, and the plans laid out for my life are to prosper me and give me a hope and future.)

And while it’s easy to say, ‘whatever works for you,’ believe me, I’ll take the comfort of knowing that my FRIEND stands by his vow to love in sickness, health, and in good days, and days when my deep ugly inside show. And that I can kiss on the mouth without hesitation, and have cuddle moments, and have our times when we just say, “You know, I’m so proud/grateful of/for all you do. I love you so much!”

I invite you to reconsider, just food for thought, that a FWB is really a SWD (sucka with drama).

Why don’t you contact us here to help you find your one?  Each applicant is regarded with respect on a case by case basis. Feel free to share on Facebook to those you think this can help – according to the recent bug, I get lots of views, but even more is better! 😉

Exhale.

For your Peace of Mind,

Your Relationship Coach

If He Couldn’t Perform Sexually, I’d Have a Problem…

Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom
Unhappy young couple with problem in bedroom

A client sought me out over the phone, for my matchmaking services.  She said she was ready to marry to find the one and had been too busy to get out there.

She is an upstanding, financially responsible, 50 year old woman seeking a mutually mature, financially responsible male. After our introduction, I explained that the next step is to take the questionnaire, which covers most topics of conflicts within a relationship and gets to the core values of the individual.

Everything she answered showed her to be a woman of high standards, and easily qualified her to attain a mutual solid relationship with a man of equal values and standards.

When the questions involving sexual activity expectations came about, her ‘truth’ in the answers revealed something about herself that she wasn’t aware of:

Question:  If he couldn’t perform sexually, I’d ________     Her answer: (have a problem with that.)

Question:  If I couldn’t perform sexually, I’d want him to ________  Her answer: (assist me and help overcome it)

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Forget the fact that there are various issues, including medical or hormonal reasons, especially within that age bracket, where sexual activity is impacted to the point where patience and loving support is crucial. Those two questions actually cross over into other areas of the relationship and how a person deals with relationship issues.

There are so many singles (who do not want to be single – obviously I’m not referring to the happy and single individuals) who are entering the dating world with this, “the other person better be qualified, but when I falter, that person has to provide a safe place for me to be vulnerable.”

What would happen if we all had an attitude of providing a safe place to the other person?  In my experience, it is, by nature, impossible, because we naturally are ingrained to self-preserve, through selfishness.

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In my experience, and many, upon many successful individuals in mutually loving and solid relationships, there is usually a foundation from which that stems.  Those individuals that are able to respect the God within another person, project a respect that finds another, the right one for that individual, to become couples that respect and provide a safe place for each other to be vulnerable.

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For example, a couple of nights ago, I dreamt I was out on a date (still married) with an (unknown to me) man who was not my husband, but who was also married.  A the end of the date, I initiated a passionate kiss with this man to which although later he protested, he returned the kiss.  After that, I guess some time passed because the next thing I knew I was in front husband, who bent down to kiss me.  I looked over is shoulder and saw the other guy make a grimaced face and motioned to me to I should have washed my mouth before kissing him.

When I woke up, I texted my husband I loved him and apologized.  Let me explain.

I woke up that morning to help him out by making sandwiches for him for work. However, when I looked around the kitchen, I just instantly got ticked at the ‘mess.’  I was raised where chores were done at night, and I expected him to do his ‘share.’  Nevermind the fact, the man, even as I write this post, is working his seventh day at a laborious job.  Nevermind the fact that he wakes at 4:30/5am, gets home @ 4/5:30pm and I need him to watch our almost three year-old because I have to go to a meeting, audition, have computer time, etc.  Fill in the blank.  Whatever you choose, I neglected to provide a safe place for him to feel comfortable to relax, refresh, be vulnerable, whatever.

I took the dream as a warning that to get my needs met, if I don’t watch my attitude, I will cheat and deceive my husband – not necessarily involving another person, but definitely in a way that does NOT support the vows I made to him before God.

Anyway, I shared the dream with him.  I didn’t even get a chance to share all that, but you know what he did when he heard it?  He smiled and held me.  He joked and said, “let me know when you see him so I can punch his lights out.”  I told him, “But I did the initiating.”  He said, “So what? I’ll have to punch someone!”  and then we laughed.  He made it safe for me share that, and later when I was able to tell him what I thought the Holy Spirit was warning me, I emphasized to him that I wanted him to feel safe.

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I only know that from my own personal relationship to Jesus and what true intimacy is really about.

Friends, unless you can provide that or be that for someone, you’ll always find that you’ll have a problem.

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Happy Dating with Love and the REAL PEACE,

Arikah, Relationship Coach and Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Want to take the questionnaire to find your own match?  Need consultation to find out what could be holding you back from finding your love?  It’s easy, confidential, and affordable and in your area. Email us at two.hearts2share@gmail.com.

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I Will MAKE Him Become What I Want in a Husband!

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Yep, me, over here.

I knew as a daughter of God, I would live happily ever after – I truly believed and trusted that concept. Only my actions weren’t adding up.  In fact, I found myself in relationships where, in my heart I knew it wouldn’t happen or where my behavior proved I didn’t believe it was ever going to happen.  In each of these relationships, I believed if I just did something more, or if I just prayed hard enough to get him to change his ways, or if he saw my pious ways then he’d convert and we’d be champions for God! Ughh!

A friend asked me recently why I thought I got myself in these situations and why we argue with our husbands and all I could tell her was I wanted a guy who could be sensitive and sympathetic like a woman without being a woman, but be a man.

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I’m so glad there is clearly a Divine sense of humor. And grace. Lots and lots of grace in thinking how much of a “b–” I was.  (Side note: And why some women seek to reach that level on a daily basis, and then complain of relationships not working for them, I’ll never understand,) but anyway…

This topic, though seemingly simplistic, is one that stupes many of us women who are or were seeking.  What is it about that guy that has us to both, agree to exchange nuptials and simultaneously draws us ever more into wanting to change him? Why?

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We can spend forever asking why, but all I can say is that it is so important to make sure you are not falling in this mindset. That’s what makes each of us a wonderful, comical mystery to unravel and discover and appreciate. If you are doing this, and don’t like the contents inside, staying ‘for the sake of not hurting his feelings doesn’t work. If you’re finding that you’ve shared your heart and intimacy and he wants to change you, or you feel compelled to compromise yourself, or lose yourself in his wants, to be who he wants, it’s safe to say unless you prefer to not think for yourself, you will never be satisfied.

So where are you in your relationship?

Ready to take the profile questionnaire?  Find out if you are truly compatible matches, or see what you need to work on by contacting us here.

“I’m Ready to Marry, But My “Type” Doesn’t Exist”

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There was a post on Facebook from one of my friends that stated, “Your ‘type’ may be the reason you aren’t with your soulmate.”  While many of the comments agreed, one pointed out that going outside your race as a reason.  Hmm?

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After being matched for the “chemical attraction/first meeting,” I arranged for two people whose questionnaire showed that they valued the same things and held the similar temperament, both agreed that they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.  He continued by saying that he was attracted to her and really enjoyed himself.  She mentioned that she had a great time and enjoyed the meeting, “however.”

“However, what?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t know how you determine chemical attraction but I wasn’t,” she said.

In my experience, I have heard more women – married women who are deeply in love with their husbands, start by saying that at first, they were not attracted to the man who would later become their husbands.  They all admit that although they would snub these men, there was something about them that they could see that God was definitely working on their hearts and what they needed, instead of what they wanted, and after the consistency, the stable-mindedness, and decisiveness of their suitors, they were in love and ready to devote their lives in matrimony.

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For my male clients, I help them in the process of letting go of the women who they personally pursued and still cannot let go.  When I ask them to tell me a quality of these women that they believe is marriage-worthy, they stutter and stammer.

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Ughhhh…..please..

My point in addressing the male’s situation, the female’s version of no chemical attraction, and the erroneous picture above is that I truly believe there is a mix up of people’s idea looking for dates and seeking marriage-worthy individuals.

One of the ways I match couples, is to give an extensive and in-depth questionnaire to truly understand what it is the person is looking for.  What they don’t know is that on the other side, there is a match for them.  I don’t tell them anything about the other person because I do not want the intention of the answers to change.  It’s important to screen the health and mindset of the person to be sure they are ready to begin a mutually loving relationship.  The individuals never see the pictures of the other person until the meeting, (but is sometimes within the boundaries of the what the individual is open to.) So, the individual based on the answers they give, will never know that if their potential is within reach.

Am I keeping them from meeting? You better believe it, in regards to my business, as I seek to match healthy-minded people with others; but I am not preventing them from meeting.  My mindset is if it is meant to be, they will find each other. It’s just sad when you can actually witness that it will take time for the person to evolve to place where they can give and receive a respectful, loving relationship.  I can’t stress enough, though, once it’s found, there is no other mutual devotion on earth, stronger and appreciated.

Couple enjoying coffee at Sidewalk Cafe --- Image by © Artiga Photo/Corbis
Couple enjoying coffee at Sidewalk Cafe — Image by © Artiga Photo/Corbis

What I’m saying is that looking for marriage minded individuals is much different than simply looking for attractive people who can hold a conversation.

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Today’s singles are collectively saying that they are single by choice, but that their “type” doesn’t exist – which means they’re looking.  They’re saying that their career comes first, however, says in the same breath that they wish even options or other perspectives, can talk to them.  And soon their pickiness becomes either bitterness or wishy-washiness. And for those who are wanting at marriage for another chance, many times, they haven’t learned the important signals that happen beforehand that create turmoil in their relationship, and so, the cycle begins again – Heaven forbid children are now involved.

It reminds me of a middle school dance, that awkward event (probably not so much today’s middle schooler, but you know what I mean) where although hormones are racing, no one has confidence to go up and ask out someone for the dance – or, is able to be open enough to be approachable to be asked. For the dance, mind you.

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I don’t know how else to illustrate that your “type” is there, I promise. However, if your old methods for finding dates are not working for you, is it that you’re using the wrong methods?  Are you using a superficial checklist that doesn’t even cover questions that prove the person would be loyal to you or has the ability to see you value the same thing?  Is it just based on looks, conversation, job status, or children status?

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Please note, when you are ready to find a spouse, your filter MUST be specific – but in the right ways. It is not based on whether his Bible (which he probably got from his grandma) is highlighted.  It’s not based on if she shares the same political views. It’s not based on definition of his pectoral muscles or whether or not he has facial hair.  It’s not based on whether she has a few extra pounds.

The ONE thing singles miss in their search, in the opinion of this professional dating coach and matchmaker, is the level of integrity they can honestly say they have seen consistently enough to even have a person qualified.  Integrity is what makes the beauty/handsome.  And that is something that is not shown in just words.  It’s not something that is can be determined after a few encounters. That takes time. Time, where neither party is manipulating the outcome, but is respectful, direct, and decisive.

So many, though, do not even know what integrity means.  Integrity is one where a person does what they say they’re going to do.  They respect themselves in a way that spills out for respect for others.  The person doesn’t call out on an appointment, or work, even (there’s a lot of that going on in the workforce) at the last minute because they don’t feel like coming in.  The person doesn’t make promises and breaks them. They respect themselves enough to not get in the situation if they think they can’t do it.  They help others without seeking to please others, or say the popular thing they think others want to hear.  They believe in loyalty and walk in that.  They vibrate on a completely different level – where it seems as though they are eccentric, but it’s only because they are surrounded by people who act entitled;, wanting the same things in a loving relationship, yet believe the other person must come in perfect to fit some unrealistic mold they’ve crafted that goes to serve them and their egos.

So then, I ask you, do you still think you’re type isn’t there?

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Want to take the preliminary online dating questionnaire? For just $25, (very limited time offer! Service begins at receipt of payment.) you can register to get the individualized personal first steps to help you find your spouse. Confidential, respectful, and prayer is always the key element in finding matches.  You don’t have to go it alone. Your pace.

Even for the shy.

Click here to begin.

When You’re All Prayed Out for Finding a Spouse

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Lisa* (name changed), a single woman in her mid- 40s, attends church regularly.  She knows and calls on God being her all.  She attends single’s events and women’s events, gets along well with her co-workers – even known in the office as the “one to ask when you need prayers.”   She’s been on several dates in the past that never worked out but had always prayed for a husband and children that came from her own womb to love and call her own.  She’d been walking the conservative life as a Christian for over 20 years and even though she knows things are in God’s timing, there is a tiny part in her that believes that she has to pray a certain way or learn a certain thing before God gives her the husband she’d been asking for.  All this is done while keeping her distance from being approached for fear of “falling” for the wrong guy or getting involved too quickly. A first time “coffee date” involves an interrogation for why he may not be the one or if he could be one – which she mistakenly and innocently disguises as conversation.

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Peter* (name changed), in his late 40s, has been out with many Christian women and tried many times, without realizing it, to be the guy that could fit each potential woman’s life in case she was “the one.”  He even was engaged a couple of times. He had been telling God repeatedly he was ready for a wife and believed that God answers prayers, but each time he would consider a woman to be even his girlfriend, the woman would usually end it.  He would hear, “You’re too much of a good guy, I guess part of me wants a bit of a bad boy.”  He then believed that the answer, slapping him in the face, was that 1.) he must become a jerk to even get a dating relationship because Christian women want that now, and 2.) God doesn’t answer prayers for a spouse.

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THE NUMBER ONE reason for romantic problems…

Who’s guiding you?

In my business, I come in contact with many people in all walks in life – believers and nonbelievers, and on a grand scale, I try to reach out to all and speak about something everyone wants – unconditional love, acceptance, and to be understood. The most surprising thing is that there are more Christians who truly struggle with the journey of receiving the desires of their heart, especially in regards to finding a spouse.  Many think it has to come in a formula prayer or life-point, while slowly building resentment, or depression and grief, or bitterness and even pride in their hearts towards God and give up on prayers being answered.  Many cry out in deep agony outwardly and internally to God but after months and years they begin to doubt. Pride, at this point, has taken its toll and either the person takes matters into their own hands to make things happen, saying they don’t need God to make things happen in their lives (think Sarah, Abraham’s wife when she was promised a son, and because it was taking too long, took matters into her own hands. A move that still affects today and why there is war in the Middle East) to swinging in the absolute opposite side of the pendulum and subconsciously hide, making it impossible to meet possible candidates (think Moses’ attitude in Exodus 4: 1-24)

I’ve been asked many times what qualifies me in this profession.  How would I know the relationships would last? How would I know the two were meant for each other?

While nothing in this world is guaranteed, there are no apologies for believers yielding humbling themselves to the actual need of the Power, Grace, and Direction of God.  The Proverbs are filled with the importance of wisdom and discernment and even gives important and life-altering information on how to find and keep a spouse.  Many times, it is very easy in the Christian world to intellectualize the need for Jesus’ Power, but our hearts do not believe.

But here is something I want to leave you with: when you are all prayed out, let it go and believe.  The hardest part about prayer is the actually believing that it is being answered.

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And if you don’t know His character perhaps that should be your focus, instead of trying in vain to improve yourself and judge others?

Why would God, who makes no apologies for being vehemently passionate about preserving the sanctity of the marital covenant, why would He be lackadaisical – impasse, even when it comes to ensuring strong marriages are created?  With our vows being committed to HIM, as God being the third cord and glue to bond and hold the marriage, why would He not answer prayers?

“You don’t get because you don’t ask God. When you do ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” – James 4:2-3.

This can be applied in all circumstances.

“…Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, you words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me because I was detained there with the king of Persia.” – Gabriel to Daniel, Daniel 10:12-13.

Let go and believe.

Humble yourself and active aligned yourself with your Maker so to be a part of His plan.

Repent of the pride that may be subtly building.  Ask God to search your heart and make clear to you any pride that may have taken root.  Ask others around you (the wise has many advisors) who can be honest with you what is apparent about your persona involving your singleness.  And allow a date to just be a date to be encouraged and to encourage another without qualifying the person as a spouse too soon.

I pray with you.  I pray for you.  Part of the matchmaking with my clients, is being an objective party both candidates can confide in and pray.  The goal of the company is NOT simply to matchmake for the sake of doing it, but to do it right, with setting God as the actually compass in connecting the pair.  Clients, if anything, learn about themselves, past choices and why they made the choices, which serve as a break in the walls that had been built up from repeated heartaches.

I want to hear from you.  Go to the facebook page to stay posted and encouraged. Apply for assistance in finding your love here. 

Love and peace,

S. Arikah Baly-Jensen, founder of Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

Office Romance – or How Not to Lose Your Job, but Still Make Your Move

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You see the new, hot honey walk in, looking a bit lost, but gathers himself to the office next to yours.

“Oh MAN, he is CUTE!” your co-worker with the reputation, says eyeing him.  You see other women eye him, too, but he seems oblivious to the attention he is stirring.

 

Here’s some tips to save face:

1.) Welcome him

2.) If the office gossip hasn’t found out if he’s available, make small talk asking how he is adjusting to the environment, how he heard about the job, complimenting any skill or talent you’ve noticed.  There’s nothing wrong with just looking for one thing to say daily.

3.) Ask if he wants to join you and other co-workers to lunch break

4.) Make sure your breath smells good. And your body. A faint fragrance never hurt anyone.

5.) SMILE! SMILE!

6.) the best guys say they notice if potential matches show genuine compassion and consideration towards others, does NOT participate in office gossip and presents themselves as self-controlled and stable in their emotions and temperament.

7.) Allow others to compliment you without knowing they are boasting on your behalf.

8.) Do NOT tell anyone in the office of your feelings for the co-worker – even if you all get along.  There’s nothing worse than the awkward tension in the room when it doesn’t work out.

9.) Don’t let lust guide you. It NEVER works out when it does and that’s guaranteed.  In order for something worth having to last, it takes time.

10.) invite him and his significant other to an outing with you and co-workers

11.) Don’t already have the reputation as “having, frequent or occasional office romances”

12.) DON”T post it on your Facebook wall, for crying out!

13.) perhaps buy an extra coffee?

 

Let me know how this works! Love to hear your stories!

Happy Dating!

The Right Way and Wrong Way to Chase Him

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True story.

A long time ago, I had a very good friend who found Jesus the same time I did.  We understood heartaches, trauma, and overcoming.  We were like peas in a pod and really didn’t think of looking at each other in any other way but  through a platonic friendship.

But one evening, when we were sitting in his car after a bible group meeting, I remember (vaguely, but I do remember some things), crying about feeling unloved and unattractive to men.  I poured my heart out to him and being the good friend he was, he listened.

Then he said , “Shakira, one day you’re going to find a man and he’s going to be lucky to have you. He’s going to love you and you’ll see you’re worth it!”

Well, and if you didn’t know where I was going with this, I immediately thought he was talking about himself, so suddenly, the “scales fell from my eyes” and I started to like him. A lot.  I mean…… – a lot.  And unfortunately, it was one sided. Yep, I took words from a friend and made them – no, molded and forced them to be something they werent.

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As a matter of fact,  I told everyone in church he was going to marry me and be mine.  I told God (bwahah) that he was husband and to go ahead and make it happen.  I remember calling him in the middle of night one night to say something (important to me, but really drama!) and hearing him say, “Shakira, you’re scaring me. Are you drunk?”

UGHHHH!

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“OH, he WILL marry me one day!”

Ok, lesson learned – friendship forever ruined.  WRONG WAY – FAIL! Bye Felicia! …

A few years later, I went to live on the other coast and attended the singles group.   All the women were very close knit and comfortable and secure with the men to go out on dates, hang out and just be friends.  A new guy came in to the mix and all us women were checking him out.  He was sweet and attractive and fun.  He and I went out on a date which was at the gymnasium he taught at and it consisted of jumping in a pit of foam balls. IT WAS CRAZY FUN!!  But I didn’t really pursue him. In fact, another friend of ours in the group had her eyes on him and in so many words made clear that she was going after him.  I don’t remember her carrying on like I did, but I do remember it just being implied.  I think because we all loved each other, the women rallied around her to encourage it to happen. We prayed over her (and him unbeknownst).  I remember her doing little things for him, giving baked gifts to him.  They went out on a few dates and during that time I moved again.  The next thing I knew there were wedding announcements.  They are still together with two kids and are strong for each other.

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Both of us women are Christians, but I believe her maturity spiritually, socially, and mentally allowed her to not speak about her conquest before getting counsel, prayers, and confirmation.  I simply stated what I wanted and set about to loudly make him love me – which is why I put that picture above. That’s probably how I came across.  My friend, on the other hand, was able to control her emotions enough to not question him, but get to know him and stay in prayer.  Her friends, who she trusted, gave her great advice and served as her sounding board.

Many women over 28 – no, 35… no 43,… ok 50, swing in the pendulum of all or nothing.  Either there are no guys around to consider, (many times meaning there’s a bit of loner-ism to them) or they settle for the worst possible choice.

I even had a client who enjoyed her online dating experience because although she did want to marry one day, she wanted to enjoy herself out on a date.  When she finally did meet the man she would later marry, she made the comments of why they were waiting to exchange nuptials.  She proposed to him! Five years later, they’re still married strong.

Why not get a little bold – with self-control?

Yes, I was humiliated, but the awesome news is we’re all married to our chosen ones, without regrets.  Although the friend and I no longer speak, I’m so incredibly grateful he wasn’t the one.  As my own marriage grows and my husband and I get to know each other each day, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Is there anyone you’ve had your eyes on?

Some have resorted to this .   Click and find out if this works for you.

If you want my services go here to go to the site and let me help you find love today!

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