How I Was Slowly, (un)Knowingly Killing Myself

It’s safe to say that 2016 was a horrible year for almost everyone.

Last year saw the deaths of numerous icons and loved ones – which any year that brings death can leave the living somber, just it was really bad last year.  

Last year, brought out the worst in people during elections, people who a person would least expect. Maybe I should just let this sit right here for a moment……

Last year, babies, children, and teens, were attacked just to get followers on social media.

Last year saw senseless racially motivated assaults and murders by people who, already having it hard to gain the trust, highlighted the worse, untrained, and racist among this group. It was a whirlwind, where a person didn’t know what to believe.

Last year saw multiple groups of people screamed at, terrorized, and bullied, all in attempt to silence their voices.

Last year saw MANY who, may not have been called hypocritical, but perhaps self-reflection and alone time, may tell them otherwise.

       “But what does that have to do with killing yourself!” you may have asked by (if you’ve read this far.)

Well, I was drinking shots of arsenic.

arsenic

In all reality, due to how one can be poisoned by actual arsenic, this is more real than you may think, and if you go through symptoms, you could be victim, too.  Consider this as a public service announcement.  (More information on how and the symptoms later mentioned.) For the sake of this article, I’m going to cover my arsenic poisoning figuratively speaking, (but I really do believe I’ve been literally ingesting it, too.)

Last year, I grieved reading about ALL attacks, murders, deaths – and only had an emoji to resort to, to express that.

Last year, friends, who I thought celebrated people’s various journeys, either cussed me out for not thinking like them or ‘indirectly’ made accusations based on my multi-cultural family.  My only option was to disengage on social media (which was actually refreshing!)

Last year, I took Bob to mediation, ready to sign divorce papers. Not for cheating, abusing me, or anything like that, but because he was so tired when he came home from work, we didn’t go out on dates like other couples.

Last year, I was battling guilty feelings for wanting my daughter to be self-sufficient and stop following me everywhere.

Last year, we hosted two teen aged students from China. One stopped talking to us because our choice in vaccination for our daughter, the other, who we spent more than required, still didn’t have enough to satisfy her material demands and to be her driver.

Last year, I made career moves that saw my business come to a complete stand still and my own colleagues negating my abilities.

Last year saw a client specifically name me in Yelp, as someone who did her harm, only to discover she really wanted the owner to call her back to get free sessions.

Last year saw me battling depression and anxiety to the Nth degree, to the point I was actually verbally abusive to Bob – for not being as discontent as I was feeling.

And the more I internalized the hurt, the more shots of arsenic I took.  That, and my diet consisted of arsenic.

eblind-eye

Jump to 2017.

The hope of a new year and new beginnings seemed to extend to everyone.

I was referred to a teaching position. Very new to me, and a bit exciting.

Bob had forgiven me and I, him and we’re closer now than ever.  

I limited my time on Facebook, blocked those that added nothing to my life, or changed the settings…

(it was slowly creeping back)

I read on the history of my culture and internally shook my fist at the injustice.  And was told to be silent in the healing process (personally, I think emotional healing shouldn’t be publicly announced during the process.)

This included the daily reading of the injustices happening everywhere on this planet, and realizing there were instigators who actually enjoyed riling people up.

(it was starting again.)

And now, I was starting to find it my duty to correct those who were forcing their personal ideologies on faith, government mandates, life choices down my throat – if they weren’t expecting it in return.  And to do that, meant that once again I was feeling a part of me die.

Jump to June 2017,

I had to have an emergency appendectomy due to the gangrene and inflammation coming from my appendix. The gangrene was spreading to my colon. It’s gone now, but I feel even more pain now.  Upon returning to the surgeon for a follow-up, (keep in mind, I was about to ask him something outside his scope of practice – which was surgery -which he did beautifully), why I was feeling this way if the “original” problem was gone. He could answer within his scope – there may be an abscess or the gangrene is spreading – and that I’d have to return immediately for another CT scan.  To remove more of my insides.

You see, I was raised loving people.  I couldn’t fathom how a person could just fester a hatred toward anyone. (And I’ll be honest and add something extremely unlike the Jesus I follow); especially if it wasn’t warranted by some direct heinous action of that person.  With every shot I took with my empathy, and wanting to prove myself – which, funny enough, was always online to people who were essentially just “letting off steam.” I wonder, if I actually met these same people face-to-face, actually had conversations, would the same entitlement be apparent.

I believe the body can heal itself, if given the right environment. With all my heart I believe that. I believe our thoughts shape our healing. If I don’t believe I’ll get better, or don’t know that the whole body acts upon itself, my actions will align with that. I would be fixing the symptoms and not the cause.   I physically could feel my body getting pinged.  

I believe in and follow Jesus. I love God and know he has no favorites. He loves us all. That’s why I believe He was showing the “arsenic” I was drinking.  Arsenic that bared the names, “Bitterness,” “Envy,” “Unforgiveness,” “Anger,” “Vanity,” and “Jealousy.”

Yes, I am currently doing alternative therapies to solve my problem, to add circulation to the areas internally lacking. But I am also throwing out my arsenic. (And though this won’t relate to some of you, my choice is leaving it at the Cross, and try really hard not to pick it up again.)

So, be honest, are you consuming arsenic? Do you feel depressed, fear, anxiety, caught up in the anger and vitriol (a word I learned last year)?  What needs to happen in your life to get you to throw it out?  Click here to see the symptoms of arsenic poison – which could very well be happening to you.

 

2017 ain’t over…..

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