Trouble in Paradise – Amen for Grace

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I wanted to stop and write this during the midst of my own personal storm.   Especially as being a relationship coach, I’m not sure how else to share the authenticity of real relationships and that every one has its storms, but survival is foundationally based on the decisions made long before the relationship is ever in existence.

My husband and I, are right now at the writing of this blog, not seeing eye to eye.  So much so, that he is at one end of the house and I at the other and not speaking.  I can honestly tell you, both of us are hurt.  Both of us had our well-intentioned words or actions we thought would make things better, but they didn’t help.

My natural “normal’ (in terms of how everyone else seems to solve this problem) self wants to throw in the towel, because, hey, why go through drama? Life is too short, right? I could get a nice, quiet divorce, take our daughter, move in with my mom until I get my own place and just go through the visitation process.  I mean, I was so mad today I couldn’t even look at him.  I wanted nothing to do with him.  That’s how mad I was.  And yet, he was also giving exasperated sighs and movements of frustration that I can only imagine he felt the same.  In the midst of it, our two-year old was happily running around the house saying, “hi mom!, hi da-dee!” 20141225_143728_resized

However, friends, I made a vow.  And I made it before the God I believe is the glue between us.

You see, I had a person who emailed me a while back who was considering my services, tell me that my questions seemed too Christian. She said she was not religious but spiritual and wondered if she should considered my service.

But I asked her, what is she basing her core values and beliefs on?  What if she and her partner could not see eye to eye, on grounds will she go on to have the relationship she so desires?  What was it she was looking for in a partner?

I’m not religious either. As a matter of fact, it boggles my mind why people want to fight over trivial things and think that an All-powerful God is going to care – ….well, I’ll just say whatever would make there be six different churches in a two block area, yet still all proclaim to worship God…..I don’t get it.

However, having said, I did, at least came to know of God in a church. Actually, I learned more about Jesus and how he was definitely out of the box.  And that He was God.  And that He died for me, not when I got it right, or when I wasn’t doing the sinning anymore.  He was there with me protecting me from harm as I smoked from the bong.  He protected me when I was stranded in the desert – twice and yelled out at him for being a sadistic god.  He was there continually pouring out Grace and Forgiveness when I showed Him no respect, all the way to today.  He is here with me now as my heart continually gets heavy at the anguish of suffering in the world around me.

Yet, He made me to be a fighter. Call me a rebel, call me weird, but normal just isn’t making it anymore* ( this was from this evening’s service http://www.echochurchnashville.com. Thank you, Brian! Hey, I’ll still share because I don’t know who needs it!) I’m choosing to honor the vow I made to the Lord (first) and then my husband.

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What that means is, no matter what –

– Divorce is not an option – (we both are solid on that)

– Being in control of my emotions and actions will always be before the Lord

– I will invite the Lord into my heart and actions

– even if my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye, I will respect him and his role as head of the household

– I will fight for the sanctity of our marriage and not let anyone, including our child, come in-between us. (we both agree)

You see when we (collectively as people) are like this, it’s important to go back to what you (individually) believe and who you believe.  Just as I believe in an All-Powerful God, I believe He has an enemy of evil.  Yep, I believe there is a devil.  And I believe that whatever God creates, the devil seeks to destroy.  He only seeks it because he has no real power, unless …. well, for now I will say, unless I give him power.

That power is given to him if I heed to his whispering in my ear, “what about you? he doesn’t appreciate you? you know all women has to go through this. If God really loved you, he would’ve given you a man who really knew how to do his role. You do so much. You’re getting bags under your eyes sacrificing for your family, you deserve more.”

Nope. I’m a fighter.  “Never let the culture define your identity,”  and “Never let the devil have the last move.”* (per this morning’s service, http://www.fourthavenuechurch.org, thank you Patrick!)

“Reclaim your identity.”

That cycle of divorce and broken marriages stops with me.  My daughter will benefit from watching two people love each other and know and experience her da-dee’s love in the same household.  She will see how a husband is to love a wife, but even if he isn’t, which he does, she will watch a wife take full responsibility of her part of the vows that she made.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I looked pretty in my dress, but that day means more to me than looking regal.  I am choosing to be regal.

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I am choosing to, wake him up and give him the biggest hug because regardless, I love him.  I am choosing to love him even when I don’t feel like it. Not because of him. I’m not going to stay with him for the sake of our daughter – (ughhh! That’s an annoying excuse – my opinion, though)  I’m going to stay with him and love him because I made a vow before God.  And when it gets tough, when I feel like I can’t give anymore, I’m choosing to make sure God’s Spirit is right there giving me that extra boost to kill my pride and apologize and love my husband. My posting of our happy pictures is to only remind me of the love I have for him and the gratitude that he is one that I don’t have to question his love for me.

For the upcoming blog, I’ll still write of the core value questions so that you can answer them on your own.  They won’t be right or wrong, they’ll be what you truly believe, and then there will be a scale to measure if you are ready for a healthy relationship, will you be able to recognize, attract, and maintain it.

Love you all and thanks for reading.

Love, Peace, and Happy Dating!

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4 thoughts on “Trouble in Paradise – Amen for Grace”

  1. I’ve come to understand relationships differently this year, you can say my view has matured. While I know that no telationship is perfect and without conflict, I also somehow believed that conflict meant that we’re not “right” for each other. If you’re thinking that those two views cancel each other, you’re right. It’s in looking at other things around that I realized a fundemental truth, life isn’t perfect, we’re all broken and flawed. Conflict is a part of any relationship, its not possible for two people to be in 100% agreement. While you may not agree 100%, you can still work towards a commin goal, the key word being “WORK”
    You mentioned your faith, so I’ll say this. The bible is filled with examples of bad things happening to everyone. While it is an example of God’s grace and love through deliverance from the bad. I think its also an example of a Christian life, it’s not going to be a smooth journey, so I need to change my perspective.
    All things require work, and a question I’ll ask myself this year is “Am I doing as much WORK as I can to make this successful?
    Thank you for sharing, I got lost in my comment somewhere. I think it’s great that you recognize not to just give the “Facebook” view of your life, you know all the beautiful flawless pictures. As I said earlier, we’re all flawed and broken, but our brokenness is only 1 chapter of the book of our lives. We’re also capable of love, grace, kindness and so much more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank YOU! I enjoy reading your comments! You are right on point!
      In previous years, I’ve spoken with clients who revealed their wanting a separation because “he stole the best years of my life.” It was disheartening and more and more, it seems marriage is thrown around like it’s just some “going out” phase, when the couple, before even starting the relationship at needed to be honest with themselves.
      I never understood the “work” aspect of a marriage before our first year in it, but I get it. It’s constantly and daily re-aligning myself with the vows I made and my actions of love toward my life partner.

      Thanks again and have an amazing new year!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a well thought out piece and so true. We often forget the vow we took before God not man. Many of us focus on a Beautiful WEDDING and forget to WORK on a Beautiful MARRIAGE. No Marriage is Full of 100% sunny days. To me the true test of a relationship is–how do we interact with each other when we don’t agree or when our communication channels have gotten cross? That demonstrates the Health of your relationship. If the relationship can only survive under sunny skies and then crumble when clouds appear, the relationship was not built on a solid foundation

    Like

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