The Dating Filter: Are You Truly Waiting for Your Chosen One or Rejecting Who You Don’t Want?

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“No, not him. He’s got extra weight on him.”

“I don’t trust attractive men.”

“She’s not as heavy as my wife was. I want someone heavier.”

“What is her education level?”

“Ugh, she’s got kids!”

“I don’t want to date outside my race.”

“She’s nice, but …”

“I’m just looking for a Christian woman with legs.”

“I guess I’ll just wait on God to send me my spouse.”

I’d like to stop right there on that last quote and elaborate on it a bit.

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” – Song of Songs

“Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice? You who are simple, gain prudence, you who are foolish, gain understanding.” – Proverbs

 

This is a very delicate topic to discuss because truly, as the days get more and more evil, finding the one begins with wisdom, and that wisdom from the Lord. For my non-believing readers, it runs deeper than sophisticated intellect or simple knowledge, this is an actual prodding. Some say a ‘gut feeling,’ or the ‘conscious.’ But it is a clear discernment that is made and the answer in how to proceed accordingly. I’m not sure if I need to reveal if the above statements were made by believers or nonbelievers, but I will let you guess which said this statement, “I just want to do whatever will get me sex.”

And so, in the statement, “I’m waiting on God to send my spouse,”  I will proceed accordingly, and pose a few questions to the person saying it;

  1. Are you in a place in your life where you have never been married and are seeking?
  2. Have you been asked out for simple dates, or are you asking out people for dates?
  3. What are you basing your request for the date on; looks, after a few interactions, personality?
  4. What are the reasons for turning down dates? Looks, personality, after a few interactions?
  5. Do you often go out on dates in spite of making or rejecting requests?
  6. Are you starting over from divorce a spousal death?
  7. Are you giving yourself permission to allow yourself to start to date again?
  8. Do you get anxious that the one date you do go out on, may be the one?
  9. What do you do in your ‘waiting?’
  10. Do you believe that you should only go out on dates with whom you’d consider to marry?

Number ten is a trick question.

While it is a popular way of thinking, there is a distinct difference between going out on dates and dating. One requires you to have gotten to know the person well enough to want to spend more time with him/her. The other is simple discernment as to whether the company is worth being shared in the first place – but again, what exactly are you agreeing or rejecting in your approach with the other person.  What are you basing your answers on?  

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This brings to mind an example of a two clients I once had in my other profession, before the days of matchmaking.  The very pretty female, who had never married, shared how demanding and stressful her missionary work was and how although she once had a relationship that lasted a year, she really hadn’t been able to have time to date, and that there ‘weren’t  any good guys left who could respect her independent way of thinking and living.” She shared that she often had bouts of anxiety and that she was unable to sleep at nights.  She was visibly tense, so much so, I mentioned how it seemed as though she needed to laugh and get her mind to decompress during her vacation period.

Fortunately – or unfortunately, my next client who was arriving shortly, was a well-established, successful businessman who lost his wife 7 years ago.  He was charming and a devoted man, who changed his lifestyle to a more healthy one, loved on his family, loved the Lord, often shared his gratitude for his day – and told jokes that usually made me laugh out loud. 

 

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Towards the end of her session, she lingered a bit longer sharing light conversation telling more of herself, since she was a new client.  The businessman showed up early and when he did, I told him to remind me of the joke he stated to me previously.  He told it, she threw her head back and laughed, which encouraged him to tell at least 3 more.  When she finally left, he stopped me and asked, “WHO was that vision?”

I didn’t say anything more than a new client who was referred to me from my hairdresser.

“I need to ask you, please give her my number.”

I was hesitant, but thought how she did ask me if I knew anyone who was a nice man.  When I called her, I was tripping over my words nervously, but managed to tell her that the man who had made her laugh had ask if I could give his number to her.

As she giggled like a schoolgirl, this is what she said;

“Ohhh, hahah, I’m flattered but I’m not attracted to him. I wouldn’t want to get his hopes up, but tell him thank you!”

 

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In my professionalism, I will refrain from sharing my opinion about the matter and let you create your own conclusions.

I will say, however, that the very thing the lady had requested was brought to her, without her doing anything, just being present, and she turned down a date

Why do I make a big deal about this? Part of it is because in our waiting, waiting, waiting on the Lord for that perfect one, we not only seem to get frustratingly demanding, critical, and unyielding of anyone who does not fit our visual for being our one, we put God in a box.

Again, I ask you to look above at the scenario.  What was she rejecting? Did she know his values? Did she know his work ethic? They spoke for less than 5 minutes and it consisted of jokes and laughter. 

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Conversely, another woman was interested in the businessman. The businessman, though charming about it, simply said she was a nice woman and left it at that.  You see, the woman, though nice was very apparent that she lacked self-control – over her diet, her weight, her emotions, her physical wellness, and without saying so, the man clearly discerned that health attracts health and that she was not a representative of what he was interested in.

On the flipside, when I was single, I actually dated an unhealthy man that broke my heart. You would think I would have learned when the drunk woman who came up to me at a gig I was ready to perform at, told me that she was best friends with the woman he went to sleep with whenever we fought.  You would think that the two weeks he went AWOL on me, I would have known.  Instead I kept praying,

“God, is he the one?  I mean, who am I to judge another? We all make mistakes…but God he doesn’t seem like the one you would give me. Is he the one?”

 

Anyway, after finally coming to my senses, drying my eyes, and allowing God to mend my heart, (with the help of laughter from the Golden Girls), I began to date, not as I did before becoming a Christian, where I’d get drunk and have one night stands.  Nope, I really wanted to belong to someone and have him be only mine in holy union so, I grew up, and those days were long gone.  No, this time, was different and I decided to go out on dates without any expectation except to enjoy myself and the company, and not mentally play out the story how the man across from me would be as a husband. I relaxed and actually enjoyed myself.

One of the men I dated during this time was an awesome man of integrity; a servant’s heart, and loved the Lord.  He had shared with me that he wanted to remarry and his experiences with other dates and his ex, and his prayers to God to send him a wife. I enjoyed listening to his stories, his travels, his experience and Spiritual life.  He and I were (and are still friends), but had only gone out on dates about 2 or 3 times.  One of those times, I think he motioned to move in to kiss me. I said ‘I think,’ only because once I detected it, I turned my head the opposite direction. I wasn’t attracted to him in that way, and especially since I knew he wanted to marry, I almost felt like since he felt comfortable with me, he’d consider me as a wife, but he wasn’t in love. He just wanted to get married.

I started dating my future husband a few days after that.  We had our first date on a Friday, I had a motorcycle date early the next morning with another gentleman. That Sunday, I reflected on things that were said that stood out on my date with Bob (husband), so that night, I asked if we could meet again on Monday (I wasn’t asking for a date, I wanted to talk to him about something I thought was more serious than we had been in previous conversations.)

That Monday when we met at the bench on the roundabout,  I looked him straight in the eye and said,

“I wanted to let you know I’ve been going out on dates with other men, but no one is more serious than the other. I just wanted to tell you because I know you’re not dating anyone and I wanted to guard your heart.”

Bob: “I wouldn’t mind if we courted. Would you care to?”

Me: “Umm, sure.”

Bob: “Here’s the thing, though. I’m just scared I’ll like you more than you like me.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry about that, I go home thinking about you! I’m scared that I may up seducing you if I really like you and you’re not the one.”

Bob: “You go home thinking about me?”

And like middle-schoolers, we awkwardly decided to give courting with each other a try.  He wasn’t what was on my revised (many times) checklist. In fact, but for being a man who walked with God, non-smoker, displayed integrity as a man of his word, that was it.  He was on a four-year decompress from a twenty year marriage. He had a 20 year old son.  He is 15 years my senior. While he likes to travel, he doesn’t initiate trips, activities or vacations. While he can balance a checkbook and is disciplined in his finances, he admits to not being business-minded in financial affairs. Oh, but he’s not a musician, he did have that going for him.  Really, only one ego-inflated talent under one roof is all I can take – and AMEN, I’ve been changing from that!

His story, as a man who was starting all over again, was that after asking the Lord to show him, for the first time, who would be his wife. He set out and started to narrow down his choices with God, like Samuel the prophet did in choosing David to be the future king.

“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected (who you may visually think would be considered the chosen one.) The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

 

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He was NOT what I imagined for myself, and never saw it coming. Neither one of us..

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Afterwards, there were a whirlwind of conversations, including my going back to my friend from previous mention and letting him know I could no longer go out on dates with him anymore because I was starting to date exclusively. It surprised him I did it, but I respected and valued our friendship and wanted him to know.

Another male friend, who I never went on dates with, mentioned how he wanted to ask me out but was too nervous. I mentioned how Bob said the Spirit told him “she’s right in front of you,” and that prompt led him to ask me. The friend said, “Well I heard the spirit, too!” At which I told him, “Well the difference is, he listened. If you can’t follow directions, you and I wouldn’t work out anyway!”

As matter of fact MANY people came out of the woodwork when Bob and I began dating. (He asked for my hand two weeks later.)  Men mentioned how they always wanting to ask me but were scared, one told me that since I wasn’t married yet, he and I could still go out, and finally one disgusting pig told me, after I was married and pregnant and not seeing him for several months, that he wanted to ask to me out for a second date because he wanted to have sex with me.  Yes, he soon regretted that because I couldn’t have put his foot any lower into his mouth then at that moment.  

Women closer to Bob’s age, ‘jokingly’ called me ‘heifer,’ and ‘bitch’ for taking the last older ‘decent’ guy from them. (Side-note: is it any wonder why they are still single? Just saying.)

The following was a comment I found on fb, so pardon the candidness.  

T: THIS IS WHAT MANY GIRLS DO

BOY: Hey! GIRL: Hey! What’s up? BOY: So I’ve been thinking… GIRL: About? BOY: We’ve been friends for a while now and I think you’re really cool BOY: And I was wondering if we could go out on an actual date instead of All those other times we hang out as friends? GIRL: Why are you telling me this? BOY: Because I like you and I have feelings for you. Why? Did I say something wrong? GIRL: No… This is why I don’t have any guy friends GIRL: Most of them just end up liking me and I have to tell them I only see them as friends… GIRL: And I’m sorry but you’re a really nice guy, You know how to love and care, you possess all The qualities every girl needs in a man but me I just love hanging out with you and talking to you just as a friend. BOY: I see… GIRL: I’m sorry if I have hurt you. I hope we can continue to be friends though BOY: Yeah, yeah of course GIRL: Are you sure? BOY: Yeah, I’m sure GIRL: Great I’m glad you understand BOY: I do well I’ll try okay? GIRL: Yeah just hit me up if at all you wanna hang out for fun. A couple of weeks later, she texts him. GIRL: Hey! BOY: Hey GIRL: I miss you! Feels like we haven’t talked like forever BOY: Yeah I’ve been busy GIRL: Oh well wanna hang out soon? BOY: I’ll let you know when I’m free GIRL: Okay sounds good BOY: Okay She begins to sense something was off about him. They stopped talking after that day and didn’t talk for another couple of weeks. She decides to hit him up again. GIRL: Hey, can you talk? BOY: Yeah, what’s up? GIRL: I’m going through a very hard time right now. BOY: What’s wrong? GIRL: So, I met this guy a few weeks ago and we started talking and whatever and we planned To hang out and we did and one thing led to another and we did”things”and everything was all good at first but he’s been acting different since we started doing things. GIRL: Like he didn’t text me as much anymore and he doesn’t seem excited to talk to me or see me anymore… what do you think that means? BOY: Are you being serious right now? GIRL: What? BOY: He just wanted to get some ass out of you and he did and now he’s done with you because he got what he wanted and now he’s probably begun to talk to another girl and probably f*ing another girl as well and forgot you existed. So what’s not to get? GIRL: Why are you talking to me like this? BOY: Because I am mad at you. I am mad that this happened to you. I am mad because I would never have done this to you. You took me for granted… GIRL: I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I always fall for these kind of guys… I feel so horrible BOY: Honestly, Imma be straight up with you. You’re always wondering where all of the nice guys are. Guess where? In the friend-zone where you always put them. Yes, that’s including me. I stopped talking to you because I’m trying to get over you. I know you’ve been talking to another guy; I see the posts and pictures online from you. Do you know How much that hurt me seeing that? I can’t talk to You and pretend like I’m okay because I’m not. I would have never just used you for sex. I like you for you. I can see myself with you. I actually care about you. But for some reason, you’re too blind to see when someone actually genuinely is into you instead of just wanting to get into you. And you always let them which honestly make you so moronic. He didn’t get a reply from her after that message. He figured maybe that made her feel awkward, feel bad, or feel angry. Either way, he knows she’s thinking about it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Some girls don’t realize a good guy when he’s right in front of her and decides he’s not the guy for her. Then, karma hits them back when the guy they thought was nice, turned out To be an asshole. If you have got a guy who cares about you, who’s into you, who puts in all the effort To make you happy, who keeps your life going on, don’t keep him in the friend-zone if he openly told you that he loves you. Try to open up and see how things will work out. You never know he might be your true love. Love is a Beautiful thing….

 

I don’t necessarily agree with the above statement if it involves clear-minded, mature individuals (who wouldn’t be in situations like this anyway.) While this may be the common for others, I ask you to re-evaluate who you are considering asking out for dates, who you do try to date, and why you may be rejecting the requests for a simple date..

 

Love and Peace to you All! 

Happy Dating!

S. Arikah Baly-Jensen, Founder, Two Hearts Offline Matchmaking

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www.facebook.com/twoheartsmatchmaking 

Be the FIRST to Try the New Upcoming Dating App, TWO SHIPS! Like our page!

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