In all sincerity, (and empathy, because I completely understand), there really is a certain vibe or aura that is given off when singles, who are searching, or searching to be sought, give off. Perhaps a girl’s posture gets a bit more deliberate (deep inhales, arched backs). Or a guy’s gets more cocky, (whether or not his body is in shape) or talks in a way where it’s just….weird (i.e. the rhythm, the volume, the long lingering stares). I guess this is what is expected for those who just want to hook-up – and what’s to help with that? Cheap liquor for a weak person will get you that cheap hook-up. Just leave your heart, your soul, and spirit, in your sock drawer when you do it so there’ll be no complaining about not finding the right one. No, this is for those who may be embittered or depressed, too deflated from rejection, and those who cry in private about never finding someone. This blog is dedicated to you.
I am reminded about a time, in my single days, when my spiritual mentor, Nancy, and I were in a meeting discussing why I was so upset that Valentine’s Day.
“I can’t believe I’ve worked at this gym for one year, almost every day, and know just about everyone, yet not one guy even looked at me and said ‘hi’!” I cried. “I don’t know which is worse, the fact they didn’t and looked right over my head, or the fact I noticed!”
She listened patiently and the more I discussed my woes, the more it became apparent the root cause. Really, I had wanted my own dad to call me and talk to me and just be a dad, however, he and I had an on-again/off-again type of bond and that year, it was off.
Nancy finally shared her words of wisdom;
“First, I want to encourage you that ‘what the locust has destroyed, God will restore with beauty from ashes….Also, I want to suggest that you not ‘orchestrate the outcome,’ of whatever relationships with men you may have. When you’re in public, see if you can avoid looking at men, for their attention, like driving down the street. Just don’t give second looks and see what that does for your heart and mind.”
She said more in there, addressing my noticeable anxiety, and deep sadness, but from the quote above, I hadn’t heard it put that way before. ‘Orchestrating the outcome.’ I thought more about that and realized, that was her gentle way of saying ‘manipulate.’
What she said, gave me no other choice, but to face the little subtleties I did to get noticed – not just noticed, but to have someone fall madly in love with me. But it had to be someone I was attracted to (and I had a very confusing time in there where I was attracted to a biker woman…), and he had to have it all together, and basically ‘save’ me from my singlehood of cereal or quick two minute eggs for dinner, a chaise lounge for a bed, and my nights of not having a steady ‘date’ to take me to the movies.
Yep. That was me. (So embarrassed now, looking back how I was.)
And I was 37, so the thought of ever having someone to marry was almost obsolete, although I was briefly engaged to a musician 10 years my junior. Having kids? Well, I was told more times than once (by men, mind you) that my eggs were not getting any younger.
After meditating on her words, I realized I didn’t even have to hang my head, like some of my fellow sisters do, as they sigh, ‘well, I guess, I just have to wait on God’s timing.’ Even though I didn’t have a support group to be proud of my singlehood (I was in a 12-step program though), something in me just clicked.
And it was like the more I avoided deliberate eye contact with men outside of in a professional interchange, I felt ..empowered. I even went on dates, but didn’t sit through it wondering how we can work out for a lifetime, or what our children would be like, or even if I could stand his slurping his food the way he was in front of me. I just smiled, relaxed and let the date(s) slurp their food, talk loudly, or when he reached out and rubbed my hand, I didn’t cringe because I was enjoying myself and enjoying the date and had no expectations put on either one of us.
Next blog, how to relax and enjoy the journey….